A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone - your help is needed! I split up with my partner of 4 years over two months ago now. I had been feeling confused over my feelings for him for a good few months before finally ending things. I think I have changed over time and don't know if it's because I feel stronger as a person than when we got together - we were friends some time back and got together shortly after my marriage ended. I didn't feel attracted to him anymore and seemed to have removed myself from the relationship months ago really - I wasn't bothered whether we spent time together or not really which can't be right.I do respect him as a person but really couldn't see a longer term future for us. I wasn't 'in love' with him anymore. How do I really know that I made the right decision? Could we have got together on the rebound after my marriage ended and it's taken 4 years to find the real me? What if I've let him go and then never ever meet anyone else?Please help...I'm so confused.
View related questions:
split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): I am going through the same thing and I think the answer is that we won't ever know until our time on this place is at its end unfortunately.
A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (9 July 2007):
You will have to make the decision to stay in an unhappy relationship where neither of you were realy happy,or move on. We all can give you advice. But when push comes to shove, You'll need to go with your mind and your heart. Please Note That I put your mind before your heart It's too often that the mind knows that a change in this or that is best for us. But the heart just won't let go of bad things in our lives. And our hearts keeps us into emotional and relational messes, that we cannot really change,because only,she or he, our partners have to do the changing in order to make the relationship work. And that is where I see you are at. In a "Mind and Heart emotional conflict". Guess what I'm saying for once go with your mind, Not your heart. A Heart can be such a fickle thing when it comes to our relationships at any age. May God bless you both.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMessage for Irish49 - can I get your ehlp again please? Just to update you:My partner and I split up in February after just over 4 years of being together. I have a son (12) from my previous marriage and he has two lads (13 and 17). We didn't live together so the split wasn't messy. My feelings for him changed last summer and when he was on holiday, I really didn't miss him. I told him how I felt and the relationship somehow continued until just before Christmas when we split up. He really wanted to make another go of it and we got back together in January - only to split again mid-February. I don't know what changed within me - I felt like we were just a relationship of habit and plodding along. I have always been the organiser in the relationship and suppose I felt taken for granted.Anyway, we split up in February which was my decision. Since then, he's contacted me a few times and wanted to sort things out between us.We have seen each other a few times over the last few weeks due to a mutual friend's death which was terrible and somehow made me question whether I'd done the right thing in ending the relationship. He's an honest and genuine guy and we get along great -there just seemed to be something missing - the spark, feeling special, chemistry, attraction - I don't know.We met up yesterday and he has said that his feelings for me have now changed and that at this moment, he has now got over our split and doesn't love me anymore - which means now we are both in the same situation.He does, however, still care for me greatly and still wants us to try and get back what we once had. And, to be honest - there still seems to be something left with me but I'm not sure it's enough to make the relationship a success. I'm not sure if I could go back to the 'whole package' after being apart for 5 months.Has anyone else felt the same? Could it work out if we started right at the very beginning again or now that something is lost, is it lost forever?Help - as I don't know what to do for the best - there are kids involved overall and I don't want to be in this mess again in six months time if we try and make a go of things and it doesn't work out. Any help, much appreciated.Many thanks.
...............................
A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas +, writes (30 May 2007):
Hey! You did make the right decision.
I go along with Irish 49, Great advice from a woman who has it together. You would do well to listen to her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): I think you are second guessing your decision, bigtime. This really is natural process. Most people actually do this and some will even try to salvage their relationship. Irregardless of how the relationship was faltering, it's tough to give up a familiar pattern, You invested 4 long years into this relationship and even though you respected and loved this guy, your gut instinct told you, it was time to hit the road. But by cutting him loose..you did the fairest, most decent thing for him and for yourself. He really deserves a woman who loves him, unconditionally and completely. You weren't giving that to him...you probably found out you were somewhat incompatible. I think when this happens we have to finally get to the point where we stop and really face the reality and know there will be a loss. Anytime a person has lingering doubts about remaining in a situation they know is over..they need to accept that the best decision was made. So please do not regret what you did because it does sound like you were unhappy. I do think this decision was the best one to take. You will meet someone else..it might take time but finding the best people for our lives does take time and perseverence. Hang in there, keep believing in yourself and be strong. You did the right thing.
...............................
A
male
reader, DV1  +, writes (30 May 2007):
 If you didn't feel anything for him anymore, than you made the right decision. He didn't deserve to have it dragged out, and you ended it, which was kind of you. If you can't see a future with him, that answers your question. If you don't see a future with someone, you can't and never will be with them. It sounds like you're afraid of being single. I don't think that you've found the real you yet.
DV1
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): hi it sounds like he was ur crutch at the time but now your stronger and are having doubts weather you should be with him ?if he loves you he'l wait for you if you've made the wrong choice but then he wont wait for ever and you must be having doubts now or you wouldnt be asking the question. dont worry it will work out in the end the way its suposed too its called fate . take care and dont think too much let things just happen
...............................
A
male
reader, Cag Lee "Apollo" Adarma +, writes (30 May 2007):
 Hey,this is not rare. You have grown, you maturer, stronger in yourself, wiser, a completely different person that you were 4 years ago.So what?we all evolve we all adapt to new things in our lives. And your not 'in love' with him anymore, you didn;t mind if you didn;t spend time together, and maybe now that you've let him go what if you don;t mean anyone else...in that 4 years of feeling stronger..what have you learnt, from a marriage and a 4 year relationship?You speak of him as though he were a commodity. i don;t think you know what love is. not many people do and i'm not pretending to.It makes me wonder how long your marriage lasted and whether you want your cake and to eat it to.Maybe he is better off without you to find someone who will love him and you can move on to the next 'toy'understand this is what i gather from what you choose to tell me. I think its time you evaluate your life some.Peace be with youThe Capt
...............................
|
