A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How will I know it was the right decision? I split with my partner after over 4 years of being together a couple of months ago. We didn't live together or anything so it wasn't a messy split.For me, things hadn't felt right since about September last year. I had started to question our longer term future and felt that we wanted so many different things out of life - both professionally and socially.My feelings for him had also changed but I don't feel as though I've had any control over that - it just seems to have happened and we ended up just like old mates.He has been in touch with me since and would still make a go of things but I feel deep down that I'd made the right decision - but how will I really know? I can I deal with this doubt? Has anyone else felt the same?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Royoftherovers and Askeve - many, many thanks for your excellent advice. I'm pretty sure I made the right decision. I had also started questionning our future prospects and where I could see the relationship heading. He has two lads aged 13 and 17 and I also have a son aged 11 - like I say, we didn't live together or anything but I think one of the issues here was also the fact that even after been together over 4 years, I could never imagine us physically all living together - it's not this scared me, I just felt that I could never do it as it didn't the right next step...
We were simply a relationship of habit I think - going out on a Saturday night. The rest of the time we did odd things with the kids but then he's be watching the football or going to the pub and I'd be wanting to try new things, go places and I really enjoy my holidays which he's not too bothered about - I think that's where the compatability comes in.
Anyway, I'm off to answer all of Eve's questions now with a large wine - thanks again for your help - any further always grateful.
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (2 June 2007):
 You say - "We split up before Christmas last year for a few weeks and then tried to make another go of it - it simply just wasn't working out but it wasn't for the fact of not trying." - You have to believe in your mind that he just wasn't the one for you and only when you accept this and close the door on this relationship then another door will open for you. Do keep me updated as to how things go and what decisions you come to okay?
Eve
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (2 June 2007):
 If what you say is true i believe you you have done all you can to save try and save whatever remained. As long as you know you did everything you could in your power to save it you can walk away knowing you done the right thing.
Your feelings for him may remain, but are they enough to go back down that road? Probably not if you have made this decision.
I had a similar experience with an ex, tho the background was a bit more complicated, she clearly just gave up on the relationship ignoring her own issues which contribuuted to the breakdown and still to this day is unwilling to admit to the truth which everyone could see.
If you really feel you cant take it any further and you have been honest with yourself all the way than you have done the right thing. Just start to re-build your life now and the fresh feelings you have will fade but not be forgotten...Use your friends and family as support.
All the best..
R
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Royoftherovers and Askeve. Thanks for all your advice.
To AskEve - I will make the time to answer the questions.
To Royoftherovers - we have talked together immensely over the last few months - it wasn't just a case of me giving up on the relationship - please don't think that I walked away lightly. We split up before Christmas last year for a few weeks and then tried to make another go of it - it simply just wasn't working out but it wasn't for the fact of not trying.
Any further help, always appreciated.
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (2 June 2007):
If you have doubts it is worth really questioning yourself to figure out what these doubts are about, and how deep they mean to you.
It sounds like you had thought about this for a while and you might of been better expressing how you felt while you were with him (no mention of that). Relationships can always find a way to work if both people are honest about things and upfront with their feelings.
im not saying this would of made things work 100%, however you might of owed it to him to explain yourself while you felt the way you were feeling. You dont say much about you relationship as a whole.
What was the relationship based upon in your eyes? was it just lust or was their an emotional bond or something deeper?
Was he not understanding to your needs?
What were the different things you both wanted that couldnt reach a comprimise or understanding?
If you love someone understanding and comprimise should go hand in hand, if it is beyond that than fine but you have to ask yourself did you give it the 100% when the relationship had the chance?
At the end of the day the choice is yours, but doubt should never just be ignored. Love should be worth fighting for but only you now can make that choice if you think so.
Whatever you decide you need to be sure it is the right decision, and if you are happy with that than you can move on. Doubt might creep back in there but you will have the answers for the questions it poses.
R
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (2 June 2007):
Reading your post I think you know deep down he wasn't for you and the relationship was one of habit more than anything else.
1. After 4 years you still weren't living together
2. You both wanted different things from life
3. YOUR feelings for him changed in that there was no "spark" there any more.
I think these are pretty good reasons for knowing he's not the one don't you?
You are old enough to know your own mind and what you WANT from life. Here are some questions to ask yourself.
1. Did he make your heart flutter every time you saw or thought about him?
2. Did you think about him all the time and put his feelings first above every one elses?
3. Did you like to see him happy?
4. Did you trust him implicitly?
5. Were you comfortable and content and excited just sitting in together?
6. Were you happy with him and didn't even think of being or looking at another man?
7. Did he make you feel special?
8. Was he the most important person in your life?
9. Do you miss and yearn for him?
Now think about the answer to these questions...
1. Were you bored in his company sometimes and wish you were ever somewhere else?
2. Did you ever wish he had more "oomph" spontaneity?
3. Did your eye ever wander and wish he looked more or acted more like another man?
4. Did you ever feel embarrassed with him?
5. Did you ever wish he was more loving towards you?
6. Did you ever feel taken for granted and unappreciated?
7. Did you ever put off seeing him, preferring your own or company?
8. Did you ever think... "is this it???"
Answer these questions honestly when you have the time and I'm sure you'll know yourself whether or not there is any doubt in your mind.
Eve
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