A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ok so a few days ago i proposed to my girlfreind (she said yes) we are both keeping are own faiths even though i offered to convert. she says its when we have kids that we can raise them as a mix of our respective religions, so they know about their mum and dads traditionas and heritageher mum and dad hate the idea and they want their future gran kids to be raised in the maternal religion, and have threaten to boycot the wedding unless we do as they say. This is realy upseting my soon to be wife and the stress is making her illmy question is this how can we get her mum and dad to come around to our way of thinking?I want more than anything to have a good relationship with her mum and dad, but this dispute is theating to sever any like we have to be with them please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2012): If her parents have threatened to boycott the wedding, then let them not show up for the wedding, that's all. They are invited, and if they choose to decline the invitation that's entirely within their right. It does not mean the wedding cannot happen just because they have decided they don't want to attend. they also need to see that their daughter's life does not revolve around them.
It's their fault if they will miss their daughter's wedding. It's no one else's fault except theirs.
It's your marriage, your life, you're the one who has to live in your shoes so you should do as you see fit and if your in-laws hate you for it then that is THEIR problem which THEY are creating.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 July 2012):
 Well my take on this as a jewish woman (because it has huge bearing on it religious wise) depends on if you are both of a similar faith (i.e both of a Christian sect).
IN Judaisim, the religion is defined totally by the mother. That means if a man is Jewish and the mother is not, according to Judaisim the children are not Jewish (this does not apply to reform Judaisim as they have changed the rules to embrace more folks that do not wish to follow 635 commandments)....
IF the mother is Jewish the children are Jewish no matter how they are raised or what they are taught...
that's a fact of my religion.
as for her parents... well my mother's parents refused to attend her wedding. She was 19 and my father was 22... they said he would never be anything and they boycotted.
Guess what? A few months later they realized the error of their ways... embraced their new son in law and later said to my mother "we liked him the least of the three son in laws and out of all of them he turned out to be the best"
so in the end everyone loved everyone....
the WEDDING is just a day... the MARRIAGE is what matters..
do what you want... her parents will probably eventually come around and if they don't... it's their loss
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 July 2012):
 "my question is this how can we get her mum and dad to come around to our way of thinking?"You can't. But you are adults now, or at least you are heading into adulthood. Being an adult means that you must accept that people will disagree with you, and that there will be conflicts. The world isn't all flowers and rainbows. People will disagree with things you do or say, and you can't make them change their mind. However you can ignore them and continue to live your life as YOU see fit. You and your fiance should not get stressed out by her parents. You came to an agreement on how you wanted your marriage to be. Then that is your choice. Her parents can choose to disagree, that's their choice. If they don't want to attend the wedding then that is also THEIR choice. You can NOT take responsibility for THEIR choices. They can come, or they can stay away. But they can not force you to change your minds any more than you can force them to change their minds. Go on with your plans. Leave her parents to make their own decisions, but do not let their decisions impact your future marriage. You want to have a good relationship with her parents, but THEY aren't interested in having a good relationship with you. If they wanted a good relationship with you then they'd respect your wishes. They don't. They're creating trouble because they are only looking out for themselves, and they don't care how much trouble they give you and their daughter. They don't care about their relationship with you either. So don't bend over backwards to please someone who isn't even trying to meet you half way. You're an adult now. You and your fiance made a decision, then stick to it. Even if her parents disagree they are forced to accept that you do what you want to do.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (14 July 2012):
You both need to explain to them that you have made a decision as a couple to explain to your future children about both their parents’ religions. Even if you raised them in the maternal religion as her parents would like, they would still know about their father’s faith too because they would be growing up with your presence in their lives. Presumably you would prefer to let them make their own conclusions. The blunt truth is that her parents don’t have a right to tell you how to raise your children, but it is understandable that they are concerned to see the family’s culture and traditions handed down to the next generation. You both need to reassure them that the children will know about their mother’s traditions and religion, but you also need to explain to them that it is your choice as a couple that they should learn about their father’s heritage too. Incidentally, that’s a wise choice that you both have made. You should also tell them how hurtful their stance is for your fiancé, how much it would mean to her to have her parents at the wedding, and how important it would be if they could respectfully disagree with your choices without turning their back on their daughter on her big day. Ideally, she should be leading that conversation with you supporting her, it’ll be most effective if it comes from her. They might dig their heels in and refuse to back down, and if so your fiancé will need a lot of emotional support from you, but at least you’ll both know that you did everything you could. There are no guarantees with family disputes like this, but sometimes even when they can’t be resolved, it helps to come to terms with it knowing that you did all you could to achieve a resolution.
I wish you all the very best.
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