A
female
age
30-35,
*rivateGirl
writes:My parents have been on rocky waters for the past few years. They married young and have found it hard to keep the passion a live. They have been separated for a couple of years but hadn't verified it exactly. They still live in the same house. Recently my mother began to bring her "friend" into our family, like invite him to lunches etc when my father wasn't present. Then as time progressed they started to show more affection towards each other etc. which is so disrespectful to do in front of me when we had never discussed my parents separation or the fact that she was getting into a new relationship.She has brought him into our home without warning which is outrageous as I live 150miles away from home so when I come home it's like a comfort. Whenever we say anything to her about him she becomes extremely defensive but I learned from a relative that my father and her sat down and discussed her relationship with the new man and he agreed it was time to move on also while still living in the same house. My problem is my parents have never discussed their separation with me. I learn it all from my aunt or from catching parts of phone conversations. The worst is my mother told my father that she had spoke to me about it ...She doesn't talk to me anymore because I don't accept her boyfriend. I don't dislike him as a person just his role in my life. She's acting like a rebellious adolescent.how do I pull her up on her behaviour without hurting her feelings? My family needs her to change. I need to her to change or our relationship will be ruined forever.Thank you in advance for any advice given x
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): PrivateGirl your main problem here is that people still view you as a kid and you're kind of still playing that role and acting like a kid.
You don't come second to him at all, you chose to throw a tantrum instead of talking this out like the adult that you are and you're still not thinking of anyone here but yourself.
Sure she could have handled this a bit better and been more communicative but when your reaction is that she's somehow taking away everything you ever knew then talking is a bit futile don't you think? Why would she sit there and try and talk to you when she knows you're just going to criticize her, put her choice down and call her disrespectful for doing this to *you*? You even put her down and condescend her to the point of calling her "a rebellious adolescent" and that you have to "pull her up on it" no offence private girl but who the fuck are you like? I would become very defensive with a person with such an uppity attitude as that.
Look PrivateGirl, you're an adult and it seems to me like you're starting to gain a lot of freedom and independence and finding your way in the world now. Her job of raising you is done. It's time you approached this like an adult and not a petulant kid. I'm not trying to put you down or offend you but seriously read over your post and tell me your attitude doesn't stink a bit, can you seriously not see how your approach is completely counter-productive and more than a little selfish?
You want to be included, you want explanations and you want to know where you stand and what's going on, well you're an adult now so you go talk to her like an adult and have a serious and frank discussion with her. No criticism, no condescension, get rid of this idea that she's somehow in the wrong, or that she's somehow less than you that you have pull her up on her behaviour. Show some respect to your own mother and she'll probably give that respect right back to you. All you do is criticize her, all you're doing here is putting her down. How do you expect to solve anything when you can't even show even the slightest bit of empathy or respect for your own mother?
Until you can snap out of this, stop viewing your mother as an idiot, then nothing is going to get solved and she's going to have to continue living her life and not including you in anything because no one likes to be treated that way and as her daughter you should have a lot more respect for her and not only think about her life affects your life, or how her decisions inconvenience you.
You still have a lot of maturing to do OP, or you can approach this an adult, woman to woman and just talk to your mother.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): Sweetie by not participating in any situations where he may be involved, you are screaming out with your actions that you do not like him, so you are in fact expressing it by your actions. I understand that you think it is a matter of loyalty, but should she remain unhappy simply because she has a family. It is hard to see someone else come into your family and change the dynamics of the family, and that is what is happening. Your mother does have responsibilities, as does your father, and they should be the one's taking care of the house and the two small children. Which is what they may be doing when you are not there, and since your there they may be taking the opportunity to spend some time doing things for themselves, that is however unfair on you. You can bring up how you feel about feeling as though you have come home and are caring for the two younger children, and feel your left to run the house. You have come home to see your family, not babysit. But your still missing the point, your parents have separated, so even though they still share a house, they no longer live as husband and wife, that relationship between them is over and they are free to date other people, which your mother has decided to do.
This part of your update says a lot:
This is very hard for me to see everything I've ever known taken away from me...
It's not being taken away from you, it has changed and a new person has been added to the situation, you need time and patience to adapt to that. We all have to adapt to situations we wish we were not in, but the only way that anything will be taken away from you is if you continue acting like your happiness is the only thing that matters and if you refuse to give your mother the respect she deserves as your mother. It is her decision to be with this man, and as her family you should also be giving this man a chance, you don't have to like him, just be polite when he is there. Your not going to get the answer you want that will tell you your absolutely right and your Mum should dump this guy because your so uncomfortable about it, because your not right and you are still a child and even though your 18 years old you still have a lot of growing up to do. It is your mother's life and her decision, respect her decision.
As I said though, you can tell her that you do not appreciate having to take care of the younger children, and you feel as though yur running the household, which is not your responsibility. Your happy to help out around the house, but anything beyond what is reasonable you do not wish to do.
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A
female
reader, PrivateGirl +, writes (30 July 2012):
PrivateGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for your advice but as I look back I realise I haven't explained the situation to its extremity. I respect that you think I'm not being understanding but for a woman to put her family in a situation where they come second to an outsider is outrageous in my eyes and if you can't see it I think there is something very wrong. It's about loyalty. I never expressed my dislike for her boyfriend I just wouldn't put myself in social situations where he'd be.
I have came home for the summer and I am more or less running a household of two small kids while trying to work.
She has responsibilities and this is what I mean when I say she's acting like an adolescent.
At the end of the day I'm 18, in most peoples eyes I'm still a child. This is very hard for me to see everything I've ever known taken away from me...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): There is so much wrong with your post, and it has nothing to do with your Mother and her new relationship. The fact is you have no right to pull your mother up on anything she does with her personal life. You can talk to your Mum and let her know that you are hurt about the fact that you have heard about the current situation from other people and not from her, but as for her starting to see someone else it is none of your business. The fact is the one who is acting like an adolescent here is you, and you need to grow up and accept that your parents are people and have a right to be happy. You need to learn to respect that your mother has made her decision and you need to respect that. Your father has accepted it, and they are remaining in the same house, so it seems you are the only one with a problem here. Your mother does not need to answer to you, How would you feel if your mother acted this way when you had a boyfriend, I bet you would be on here asking how to get your mother to mind her own business and stay out of your personal life. So my advice is mind your business and start showing your mother some respect, and accept she has a new man, and show him respect by being polite. As for him coming to the house, you are 150 miles away, so the only people who have a say about who can be at the house is your Mum and Dad, anyone else is overstepping the mark. It is not your Mum's responsibility in this situation to change her actions to suit your attitude, it is your responsibility to change your attitude and accept the situation as it is now.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 July 2012):
 You say your mother is acting like a rebellious adolecent. I say you are acting like a spoilt brat!
*whine* I dont like him coming because I live so far away ITS MINE!
*whine* she wont talk to me because I wont accept HIM
*whine* they show affection towards each other thats so disrespectful to Me
*whine* she discussed it with my father but not with ME!
Your parents have discussed the situation. You don't live there, its not your marriage, your mother already isn't talking to you (you dont say what you actually did but I can imagine), you need to pull on your big girl panties and accept that things have changed.
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