A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in desperate need of help. Don't take this the wrong way. My boyfriend and I are in love and happy and hoping to start a life together. The only thing we really seem to have a problem with (or rather he has a problem with) is in bed. More specifically what I do in bed. I am very inexperienced and he wants me to really put an effort into trying to make him feel good in bed. But no matter what I do I can't figure it out. I feel so stupid cause it seems to be something that would just come easily and would be kinda obvious but I actually have no clue what to do. I am so worried that if this doesn't improve then in the long run we might not work out. He gives me hints that I never pick up on and he doesn't want to have to straight out tell me. I have looked for answers in books and online but nothing works. Does anyone have suggestions as to how to figure out what makes him feel good? Signs that I could look for? Things to try on him? Stuff I can actually do in bed?Places I could look for more answers?Please I need answers and at this point anything will help. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): you don't have to ask him what he wants during the deed,
you can...
...talk about it before and use the dirty talk as "foreplay"
...together look on the internet, and he can show you on a xxx-site what turns him on? the same thing for you.
...watch him play with himself and see how he does it
...tell each other little stories and use the third person to explain what you/he really wants
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): Sex is meant to be enjoyable, something that you discover together. He is making you feel nervous, and by telling you that you aren't doing it for him isn't helping your inexperience at all.
i know it's hard try to relax and do what feels good and natural, if it feels good to you, then hopefully it should feel good to him too. I agree with DB you need him to help with what he likes too, you're not a mind reader.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 August 2010):
 The Kama Sutra is just the thing for you two to read in bed together. It's not all that explicit and it will elevate both your orgasms to new levels never experience before.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (11 August 2010):
 Well, here's the thing, he doesn't have to constantly dictate what you should be doing. Hopefully once you learn a few techniques that really get him going, you'll remember them and use them in the future. He won't have to constantly be telling you what to do eventually, but until you learn what gets him off, he needs to help. If you have trouble picking up on his subtle hints, then he needs to be less subtle at first. Like I said before, it's all about communication.
Here's an idea. If telling you what to do kills the mood for him, then have him tell you afterword what worked and what didn't. While this isn't as good as immediate feedback, it can still give you some direction.
Expecting you to know what gets him going without ever telling you is not fair. The more experience you get, the more you'll pick up on his signals, but until you get there, he has to help, or he has no right to get upset about it in my book. To me he sounds like an ungrateful bastard.
This is the picture of him I have in my head:
"I know you aren't experienced, but you should know how to please me anyway. Even if I won't tell you what I want. Then I'll belittle you about your efforts, even though I'm completely unwilling to tell you what I want or give you any guidance. Why won't you please me like I want you to?"
I'm glad that he can please you. That shows that at least he isn't completely selfish. I hope you can find a way to make him and you happy. Books, websites, even the advice here can only point you in a direction. Without him being an active participant all you can do is try a bunch of different things and hope they work. It would be worlds easier if he said, "I like _____________." That's really all you're asking of him. If that's too much, then I'm thinking he's not worth the effort.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesn't want to have to constantly tell me what to do and narrate during sex cause it ruins the mood for him. He can make me feel amazing and he is really good at it he just wants me to do the same in return. Which is why I'm having trouble.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (11 August 2010):
Well, a couple of books you could check out are "The Joy of Sex" and "Kama Sutra." Those have tons of positions listed and things to try.
My suggestion about the other stuff is learn first what makes you feel good. Often I've found that when I let my girlfriend take charge and do what she wants to, it feels really good for me too. For example, I love it when she's on top in either cowgirl or reverse cowgirl. She's in control and I can control my orgasm better. It is also a way that I can be more sure that she's getting fully pleasured, which is typically my first priority.
One thing I'm wondering is why he won't tell you what he wants. This is one of the best things he could do. The best sex I've had has always been with people who aren't afraid to be a director when it comes to their pleasure. Tell me what's working. Tell me what's not working. I'll learn and keep those in my bag-o-tricks for next time.
Something you can do is ask him if he likes what you're doing. If you try something new, ask him in a sultry voice if he likes it. His answer will probably range from yeah to ooooooohhhhhh yeah.
I still suggest that you tell him you want him to direct you. He sounds like he's unsure of himself when it comes to that, but it is something that you can adjust to pretty quickly. I've had some pretty kinky girlfriends so one of the games we used to play was "sex slave." I'm not talking in an S&M sense, but more in a "you are going to do everything I say with the purpose of getting me the most pleasure possible." It is a lot of fun when you both get a chance to participate as the master, and it is a great way to learn what really gets your partner's juices flowing.
Ultimately, it all comes back to communication. Communication is the most important thing you can have in a relationship. It affects everything.
Does he put in such an effort to make you feel good too? I'm not getting a good vibe about him from what you've asked.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): talk to him about it!!, tell him your arent used to stuff as much is he is and tell him you dont fully understand what he wants you to do?, tell him you have looked for clues over and over again but just dont understand what it is he wants?
just be straight with him:)
hope it helps:Pxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): talk to him about it!!, tell him your arent used to stuff as much is he is and tell him you dont fully understand what he wants you to do?, tell him you have looked for clues over and over again but just dont understand what it is he wants?
just be straight with him:)
hope it helps:Pxx
...............................
|
