A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was seeing a man for almost 2 years. We had chemistry and attraction and a connection and our moments together were very tender and special but during that time he also dated other women since he never committed himself to me. this hurt me very much but i never said anything out of fear of losing him. eventually all that repressed hurt caused me to break it off with him last December. I told him i couldn't do it any more and that i wanted emotional security and to get married and have a family. After i stopped seeing him contact was very seldom mostly by email or on msn. 9 months later, totally out of the blue, he called me up to tell me that he moved across the street from me and that he thinks I'm an awesome girl. i have not seen him yet but we talk on the phone( he's helped me with a couple of problems i had and wants to be there for me when i need him. I still have feelings for him and i want to keep talking to him because i don't want him out of my life but I feel that I need to do one of 2 things( talk to him about our past to get closure on that so that our friendship can stand a chance)- this i am so afraid of doing and don't know how to bring it up without scaring him off OR ( avoid him because him being so nice to me and helping me out when I need it makes me love him again but also scares me cause i'm afraid i might get hurt again if i get emotionally involved again)- I CAN NOT just talk to him without my heart feeling things for him again, we were too close and shared so much!PLEASE HELP!............................THANK YOU
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't feel pressured by him at all, he has been the sweetest man so far.He is only trying to be a friend to me, I don't need space from that. I want that and should he ask me for more ( a real relationship NOT sex), I would give him my heart again with no hesitation because he is the man I want. he once told me that it has to come from him IF he feels its not up to them woman to say that they are in a relationship( this was based on an experience he had with someone else) I agree I do need to tell him about my feelings so that he can either meet me half way or so he knows not to take advantage.
Thank you all soooooo much, it really helps to talk about it:)
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (17 September 2009):
 Under these circumstances you don't want to dangle either of you on a string.
Maybe just tell him you need some space or simply try and be kind to him and tell him that you're still dealing with personal reservations.
You know him best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): Since you haven't moved on, then you need to admit your feelings for him and tell him what you want, which is a commited relationship. If you don't expect marriage right now, you can say that, but you deserve his loyalty to you and you keep settling for less that you deserve.
That is not going to get you the commitment that you want. And wouldn't it be better to know now what he wants then to waste your very love life on a man who just wants to be friends. Because I can tell you, he knows the answer to that question, and if he loves you and wants a commitment with you then he will be happy about your question.
My guess is he doesn't want that, and will be happy to use you as long as you let him, but if you want a friend only relationship without benefits then he sounds ready to accept that too, so you aren't going to scare him off.
What you are scared of is the truth and asking for what you want. Don't do that to yourself. You deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't feel I have moved on I just want a friendship right now because it feels safer and because i know he can and is willing to give that to me. I care for him so much, of course I want more but I have not dealt with what happened in the past and I'm afraid to ask for more just yet.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (17 September 2009):
If you have reservations about the past relationship but want friendship only, then you have to tell him that you still need time to reconcile the two.
The best thing to do is tell him what it is that you want which is closure on the past, but that you value him as a friend only.
If not, then you have to tell him that you've moved on otherwise.
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A
male
reader, Entropy_Anarchy +, writes (17 September 2009):
Afraid, fear, losing him, scaring him off...these are not qualities you want to base an honest, adult relationship on. Tell how how you feel, be honest. Tell him who you are and what you want. If he's scared off by that..then consider yourself fortunate that you didn't fall further along the path with him, and ended up in a painful relationship or marriage. Right now, you're neither here nor there, all because you don't want to lose someone. How long will you keep your own needs hidden for the sake of someone else? You're a grownup, he's a grownup..act like responsible adults.
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