A
female
age
41-50,
*rista217
writes:I dated my husband for two years and we have been married for one year, so a total of three years off and on, much of which was long distance. During this time he has cheated on me with 2 different women, had an inappropriate relationship with his ex wife (nothing physical from what I know but at one point while we were married they discussed getting back together and said I love you to each other), and I recently found that he had emailed a few women he found on the internet "looking for a friend or two." That is just the tip of the iceberg, the list of things he's done that I don't agree with goes on for miles. We do have a small child together and I hate the idea of divorce. I recently told him (after I found the latest in emails for "female friends") that I am done once and for all and I am moving out. I have said this countless times before though and he always manages to win me over again. These last few nights he has been wonderful, helping with our daughter, being very attentive to me, doing everything I always wanted and then some. So my question is a)is it worth another shot and b)if not then how do I move on when he won't let me go?
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cheated on me, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, I love you, long distance, move on, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, krista217 +, writes (23 July 2008):
krista217 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I have assured his parents time and time again that the issues with him and I have nothing to do with our daughter or them seeing her. I knew his family several years before we started dating so they know I want what's best for my daughter and I want them to be in her life as much as they choose to be.
If I hadn't been through all this before, empty promises time and time again, I would try the counseling. But the reason we got married (and so soon after we got engaged) was because he said that would help him to be faithful after I found out he met/dated/lived with another woman while we were engaged, and that only ended when I found out and was leaving him. I always wanted to marry him because I loved him but love seemed to play a small portion in his reasoning...I do think he loves me but I don't understand his definition of love.
After reading these posts and talking to friends I was somewhat considering trying one more time, but last night I found out (by seeing it, not by him telling me) that he got another tattoo a few days ago, once all this talk of separation started. I'm not against tattoos but he has several and we are in a tight financial position since I recently was laid off and I always told him I did not agree with him getting more until finances were better. So a) he got one and b) he didn't tell me about it. That is very "him" and that was the icing on the cake.
As much as I want(ed) it to work I don't know if I do anymore, and this nice him is only temporary til he gets me back and then it's back to the fighting everyday...the main reason I wanted to leave because I don't want my daughter thinking THAT is what love is or how men should treat women.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 July 2008):
 His parents are terrified that you'll take their grandchild away and won't let them be part of your daughter's life. Remove that worry from their shoulders. Don't hold the baby as collatoral in this.
Go see that attorney and make sure you understand all your options. Divorce laws vary from state to state.
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this with your new girl, who by the way is very cute.
Look, I could be way off base in this and he will change and want to stay faithful. I just want you to empower yourself and get yourself on stronger footing before you make any major decisions. Does that make sense?
Your daughter needs to have a mother who is strong and settled and happy in her life in order to grow up healthy and strong herself. You owe it to her to make the best decisions you can for yourself.
Line up your support system, your family and friends. Get all your legal ducks in a row. And take control of YOUR life.
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A
female
reader, krista217 +, writes (22 July 2008):
krista217 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThey despise him...they all think he was bad news from the start. The only people who support this and think I should try harder are his parents who say I am the best thing that's happened to him.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 July 2008):
What do the people who really really love you and know you two think about him? Your friends and family?
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A
female
reader, krista217 +, writes (22 July 2008):
krista217 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just don't understand him. He says he loves me, he says he is depressed at the thought of me leaving and has pleaded with me to stay, but the years we've been together I have cried more than laughed. I can almost pinpoint the good times, they are the rarity and the bad times were the norm. I do think he loves me, and Lord knows I love him, which is why I don't understand how or why he acts the way he does and why he takes me and our marriage for granted.
He is getting the house beause we bought it together a few months ago and I want nothing to do with it so I am the one choosing to leave. There is nothing worse than being in love with someone you can't trust. And even though he has hurt me so much, a simple I love you or hug makes it all go away which is why it is so hard for me to leave him. I know to most it sounds crazy, and I wouldn't understand it myself if I was reading this as a 3rd person. He says he will go to marriage counseling but that only helps if you want it to help and he doesn't think he has a problem, he thinks the latest email string was "doing nothing wrong."
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 July 2008):
You're very welcome. I'm sorry that I was so negative about him, but I think that you need to get very smart about this. Why do you need to move out? He's the one who is untrustworthy and while I agree with you that divorce isn't something to be desired or sought out, you need to start your planning. He's going to notice a change in you, so expect to be sweet-talked out of any worries you may have. But do start your planning now. He's not going to change his way overnight. The best thing you can do is to look out for your child and yourself.
You could try some couples counselling if you think this might help; I may being too cynical about this. It would be great if you two could resolve this, but he needs to want this too. And the trust that has been destroyed needs to be acknowledged too.
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A
female
reader, krista217 +, writes (22 July 2008):
krista217 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Tisha-1....thank you for the advice! You are correct that he does have a child from his first marriage and his constant need to not want to let her go or let her move on (although he would never actually WANT to be with her again, he was miserable when they were married) is just another issue I have. When I found out about his inappropriate actions with her he quit cold turkey (and I confirmed that with her) which just proves he was saying these things to keep her wanting him but he never intended on being with her again.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 July 2008):
Okay, if he were my husband, his butt and the rest of him would be recovering from the rough landing he's just had by the forcible ejection he'd just had from me, strong enough to land him in the next county.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
He's a cheater, and I have seen plenty of them in my life. They could talk a dog off a meat truck, they could sell a freezer to someone who lived in the Arctic circle. They are handsome and sweet and so much fun to be with and they are perfectly happy trying to get other women to sleep with them and also try to keep their poor wives from leaving them.
You need to do what is best for you. He's not going to change, he's figured out that he can con you time and time again. May I guess that he has other children besides the one you two have had together? And that maybe he was trying to sweeten things between his ex and himself because she was upset about the child support?
Start planning, consult a divorce attorney and line up your ducks. Sorry, there is no way to change his behavior. The only one who can change here is you.
Good luck.
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