A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About two weeks ago I had an email from a guy saying that his girlfriend has been having sex with someone and he thinks it's with my fiance. I confronted my fiance about it and after a few minutes of him denying it he finally admitted it. He said that they had sex in work on the desk in the office. He has my old phone so I looked at the usage and they've been texting late at night till early hours in the morning when I was in bed for two months. He says that it was just normal friendly conversation then it got a bit flirty then after they had sex they text eachother saying they couldn't believe what had happened and that it would never happen again and then they carried on texting normal friendly conversations. He has admitted to me that if I hadn't found out he would have carried on texting because he thought they were just friends. He said when the flirting was happening he thought it was just a bit of fun and he said when they had sex he has no idea what he was thinking. He has stopped texting her but still works with her. He's one of the managers where he works. He promises that it will never happen again and that he realises now just how much he loves me. I can't get the images out of my mind. I want to hurt her so bad! We have a baby who turned one the week after I found out. Any advice for how to move on and stay together and stay sane would be very appreciated
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 May 2014):
 Believe me I understand about the mental images of them on that desk.
Is there any way he can get rid of that desk and get a new one?
If your partner doesn't seem to be able to understand how he lost your trust in a second and it will take a long time to regain consider showing him some of the answers you have received here.
I hope you can work it out
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the advice so far. I know I said that I want to hurt her but I never actually would, it's just how I feel. I cannot stop thinking about them on that desk
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 May 2014):
 Hurting her will NOT fix your problem nor will it make you feel better. He's the one who did wrong to you NOT her.
Put the blame where it lies... on him.
In order to move on and stay together you will have to FORGIVE him... you never have to FORGET it but you need to relegate it to memory that does not pop up often.. that will take time.
I suggest if you two are committed to working this out you two need to talk a lot about it... Couples counseling could not hurt... and in addition he will have to be totally transparent with you... being open to having his phone and his mail and his browser history inspected on demand regularly till you are satisfied he's being honest with you.
trust is very fragile... it can be fixed but it will NEVER be 100% again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): You want to hurt the girl?!?! She's not the one you have a relationship with, she's not the one who shared your bed after sleeping with someone else and she's not he parent of your child. Your idiotic boyfriend is the one who needs hurting.If you're certain you can forgive him, then it will take a long time to forget. He was still texting her after it all happened, that's not the actions of someone who is sorry. He doesn't know what he was thinking when he had sex with her? That's absolute crap and if he's going to be forgiven by you he can at least be honest and admit his flaws. Your pain shouldn't be directed at the girl, your boyfriend needs to know exactly how he's hurt you and damaged the relationship then he can take steps to recover it - if that's what you want x
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (21 May 2014):
Why hurt the girl, she didn't cheat on you, the person you should be concerned about is your boyfriend, he is the one who couldn't keep his dick in his pants.
It will take a lot of work for you and your partner to move on, especially on his part, as the trust you in him, which took time to build, was broken in an instant.
He needs to work on rebuilding that trust, he needs to show you every day that he is trying to rebuild your trust in him as a partner. He needs to make sure he never gives you a reason to doubt his words or his actions .... he needs to understand you are going to be suspicious of his every move, so his behaviour needs to be unscrupulous.
If he can do that for about the next two or three years you should be okay, as long as he remembers what he almost threw away for a quick roll on a desk.
The images in your head will go away eventually, as long as your partner makes sure his actions and words don't put them back in there.
There is no need to break up if you are sure he wont cheat again, if you believe he recognises he over stepped a number of boundaries, and if he also recognises what brought him to this point.
I hope you can work through it
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 May 2014):
She's not the one who wronged you, he is because he's who you had the commitment with.
The thing about cheating is that unless you find out why it happened and address the problem, not only will you most likely never get over it, but it will probably happen again because whatever caused them to cheat is still a factor. Which is why you can't get over it, because you instinctually know it'll happen again.
So, talk with him. Is he bored? A serial cheater? Insecure? Was it a lapse in judgement caused by letting things go too far? Etc.
Figure it out and fix it and you'll find that moving on comes a lot easier.
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