A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so this is a really embarrassing and very silly problem. I am a confident woman. I date. I don't have any trouble picking up guys, but for personal reasons I am not interested in a relationship at the moment. BUT for the first time in about 10 years, I have an utterly ridiculous crush and its become a problem. I'm part of a social group that meets once a month. About a year ago this boy joined the group. He is 23 years old, nearly 10 years younger than me. Physically he's my type and I was attracted straight away. But beyond that I didn't really get to know him and there wasn't any natural connection. A couple of months before Christmas, we got drunk after the group and made out. The next month we ended up in bed together. This was repeated the month after. Then after Christmas he came back with a girlfriend and the few times I saw him obviously nothing happened. However after they broke up there was one more drunken night, where we ended up in bed a couple of weeks ago. I'm not an idiot. He is 23 and gorgeous and from the sound of it bedding any girl he can get. He's made no effort to get to know me or spend time with me away from that regular group and to be honest, when we're sober we avoid each other there as its a bit embarrassing to be the source of gossip. And if I'm totally frank - I don't know him well enough to be falling for him. We don't have a personal connection. Half the time when I do hear him open his mouth I cringe with embarrassment. Personality wise there is no real interest on either side. Yet - I never stop thinking about him. I am constantly checking his status to see what he is up to. I get jealous when I see him with other girls. It's not healthy and its pure fantasy - I don't know this boy and what I do I don't particularly like. He's not someone I could ever have a relationship with, even if it was an option. And its making me feel like crap, disrupting other relationships, even distracting me at work.The reason I'm asking for advice is that I thought things would get better this summer - I'm going away for work. No contact, no chance of bumping into each other, no mutual friends about, no reminders, and a massive project to focus on - exactly what the doctor ordered. However I have just found out that (as we work in a similar field) he will also be going to the same place for the summer. What was originally a break - is now 6 weeks trapped in the same house, with very few other people around and lots of drunken social events. IN the short term, not going to lie, sounds like a blast, but after nearly a year I'm exhausted from feeling this way. I don't want to come back deluded that I'm in love or worse - heartbroken because I'm seeing first hand the number of ladies leaving his bedroom. I've got to focus on work. And this person is a distraction when he's living miles away and the only contact is FB/Twitter. How bad is it going to get when we're living together? So I need to get over this NOW. And aside from some sort of hormone removal therapy I need some tips. I want to forget this and move on, but off my own back I'm failing miserably. So - any suggestions folks? :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): I think there's something going on here that another reader has pointed out.You do seem VERY afraid of getting hurt - another reader has said you are frightened of an actual relationship. But to be fair to you, the guy in question does not sound ready for an actual relationship, just sex, with lots of women.BUT what I think may be happening is that you ARE still afraid of 'letting go' in a relationship and this is what has made you become attracted to a young man who is, to all intents and purposes EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE. The thing to remember is that emotionally unavailable men come in all different forms, and often we don't realise that this is what they are. BUT the really, really important thing to remember is that, whilst they are unavailable emotionally, SO ARE WE. It is a form of 'protecting' ourselves from any deeper, or even everyday, intimacy - because we are shit scared of being vulnerable AND, ultimately, of being rejected. The gravitational PULL that you feel towards this guy - and all the disruptive emotions that you feel - which I totally relate to by the way - and which spoil your working day and eat into your life is, basically speaking, your self telling you that YOUR EMOTIONS need to be sorted out, put on a level. In a way, the guy is not the important thing here - he's just symbolic and if it wasn't him, it would be someone else 'triggering' you. You feel so strongly attracted to him because, deep inside, there's a very strong urge to connect with someone in an intimate way, but at the same time every defensive mechanism is kicking in and being played out - BECAUSE he is emotionally unavailable. In the background your emotions are saying "sort us out please, we desperately need to connect to someone" and then, in the foreground, other emotions are saying "we are frightened, we must not connect at any cost". You're in turmoil and the 'power' that he has, for you, comes from this extremely heady mix of conflicting emotions AND your ultimate desire to connect. You will also get a VERY strong but temporary sense of power from being with him, in bed, each time - but it's a 'false' sense of connection and it actually comes from lack of intimacy in other aspects of your life.You have a choice - either try to form a relationship with him or leave it alone until you have figured out why you are emotionally unavailable and what you really need from a partner. If you have a fling, I suspect you won't be able to handle it and will come out more hurt and confused. See the bigger picture and pattern and it may help you to understand yourself before you do anything else.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe 6 week fling option is tempting - but that's sort of how I got in this mess. Besides I know me - I get jealous and he would be off with other girls.
I'm not trying to be mean because of his age. If he was in any way genuinely interested it wouldn't be an issue. But as he's not it just makes me feel even more ridiculous.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 May 2014):
 why not ask him if he wants a 6 week fling since you two will be in the same place at the same time.
after that you will know if it's supposed to be over or your supposed to stop making excuses as to why it can't work with a younger guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYep - I totally see where your coming from. And I'm sure on many levels your right - I don't want a relationship, scared of getting tied down, massive fear of rejection. I will agree to all that. But I don't see how fronting this situation out is going to help that.
There is no doubt - I will get rejected by this boy. He's a less obvious version of Barney Stinson. Whatever I'm feeling, there is no question of him seeing me as anything other than a notch on his bed post.
The fear I need to face is the one where the rest of my life is getting disrupted by an unrealistic fantasy. I need to stop this getting in the way of my life - now its threatening to invade a really important opportunity and I don't trust myself not to waste time daydreaming about a boy.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (21 May 2014):
 You have so many fears about being in a relationship. Your post is all about convincing the reader and yourself that you should not fall in love with him. You've pointed out all that's wrong with falling in love with him. You've built a very damning case against him. But I see it all as a facade to mask your fear of falling in love. Perhaps this time spent together in the same house is exactly what you need to face your fear head on. Personally I don't see it as a bad thing. I think this will help you to grow, evolve and learn. This always happens when we face our fears head on. I don't have any advice about avoiding your fear. In fact, I encourage you go with the flow. Exciting times are ahead:)
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