A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my husband has a female coworker and their work relationship has made me uncomfortable. More so because of the actions of my husband. He has lied to me numerous times and all lies have been associated with her. While this was happening, I was going through some pretty rough post partum depression. He stated he lied to me to avoid causing unnecessary stress and to spare my feelings. I really don’t know what he was trying to spare being that I have never had an issue with this coworker before until his lies started. Although I don’t feel he physically cheated, I do feel he wanted to impress this coworker, but while doing so, he just crossed the line. The lies involved him calling her but lying about it, dropping her off at her house and hanging out at her house a couple times but saying he was elsewhere, and buying a pretty expensive gift for her birthday. We are working through this at the moment. I now feel very uncomfortable and insecure because he has to see this coworker everyday and I know she tags along sometimes when a group of them go out to lunch. Any tips or suggestions to help me move forward and stop letting this coworker get to me? I know, I sound pathetic, but it’s just so hard to get that trust level back that I had before because of all the previous lies. I have talked to my husband about my feelings but he says the same thing, I need to get confident again and get over this because nothing is going on and he only loves me. Thank you,
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (21 October 2018):
 The onus is not and should not be on you to feel as though what you are asking is deemed 'controlling'HE NEEDS TO BE IN CONTROL OF CLEANING THIS MESS UP. What has he learned from all this -nothing! Instead he chooses to immediately behave deceitful by unblocking her number and then go so far planned to be sneaky, underhanded and insult your intelligence by creating a fake number to fool you. If he was genuine and considerate of your feelings, grow some balls and say honey, I understand your concerns but this is work and I need to keep her number, here is my password blah blah blah...My advice, get yourself a key logger /web watcher program for both his phone and computer gather as much evidence as you can by getting your ducks in a row. I bet you my left arm you will get nothing but being told " we're just friends', 'you need to get over it', " your being ridiculous"," I'm telling you the truth", "Your PPD is making you crazy" all the while knowing you cant police what he and her get up to at work let alone any phoney baloney stories he gaslights you with. If you are not satisfied with that - Tell him you'll talk to her instead. Trust is such a long, tiresome road and never do you really get there. He'll get there to where he wants and needs to be by shutting you and the problem down because even in recovery it's all about them. I really do wish you peace and happiness-good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2018): I've been in a similar situation and I wish I'd taken different action, as I wasted over a decade of my best years trying to trust someone untrustworthy.
My opinion of this is, he is the kind of guy where everything, ultimately, is all about his needs. He will put himself first and foremost and then, if you are lucky, he will think about your needs once he is sorted. This is not the same as working as an equal team.
For that reason, he is probably used to you being exactly what HE needs for him to feel okay and, when you then got postpartum depression and could not give him all the attention he is used to, instead of immediately seeing that he needed to give attention and support to you, he just started looking elsewhere for attention. He sounds like a narcissist, who fits everything around his own needs AND will manipulate people psychologically to get what he wants.
The gift giving to his co-worker was paving the way to getting attention and sex from her but NOT because of anything special about her. Please try to see that this is ALL about him - the woman involved could be pretty much anyone - if it wasn't her he'd find someone else. He's not ultimately giving her a gift because she is special or better than you, he's giving her a gift as a way of fulfilling his narcissistic ideas about himself - something along the lines of 'hey, I'm being neglected by my wife, poor me, I'm gonna get attention elsewhere because that's what I deserve and I'm such a hot shot that I know how to charm this woman at work and then she will give me the attention I deserve'. There will not have been a thought in his head for what you are going through.
He's a very weak man - actually a man child - and you sound like a very strong woman who has been mothering him and found this too much when another child - your baby - came along. I think you are the kind of woman that would keep going and going, trying to support and love someone even when they are unfair or cruel, but this time your mind and body has said "enough! you have a real baby to look after, so we are going to make you depressed for a while to make you take stock of what you are doing until you get your priorities right". My bet is that you got the depression because you weren't getting enough support from him. It will sound harsh of me to say this, but I've had depression a lot myself, and I've learned it can often be your own mind and body's way of protesting about what you are doing/how you are living - sometimes the mind becomes so desperate for you to change your ways that it puts all the brakes on and creates a depression, until you learn to treat yourself with more self respect.
If I were in your shoes I'd go to a counsellor alone. Forget the marriage counselling - I think he's not worth your time. Get counselling for yourself and think of a better way forward for you and your child. Don't leave it too late like I did and don't expose a growing child to a stressful relationship like I did.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2018): OP Here
Thank you for all for weighing in.
Since this has happened, I had him block her number and not have any contact with her outside of work. There was one time where he actually unblocked her number and put in a fake number to fool me. I called him out on that and he stated he only did it because he wasn’t getting any of the group messages. He is in a group chat with other coworkers and she is part of this group. Obviously I knew that was bs because I know how phones work. Anyways, he has promised he will keep his distance. Currently he isn’t speaking to her outside of work. He does have lunch with her and I have told him it bothers me only because I don’t feel comfortable. But he keeps saying she only walks with them and it’s nothing and I am thinking too much about this. He said if I was having lunch with only her then I can understand but I’m literally just walking with two other people and she is part of that group. I asked if for the time being he can just make lunch plans with other coworkers or I don’t know, just have lunch by himself but he thinks it ridiculous. I mean I don’t want to be controlling or tell him what to do. I want to trust him and hope that he doesn’t get caught up in her world again, but it’s so hard. I just feel like my feelings don’t matter here. But at the same time, I do want to build my confidence up again.
It’s just been a hard healing process because I do feel I am doing it all alone even though I wasn’t the one who created this mess.
Thanks again everyone for your advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2018): I see one solution for the short term. Get him to quit his job and cease all contact with this slut. No, it is NOT unreasonable. We all have our breaking points and how much we can take. Why should you stand by and watch this affair blossom right under your nose?
Then for the long term, becayse he is likely to repeat the behavior, therapy will need to figure out the root of his issues and what makes him cheat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2018): YOUR HUSBAND IS PATHETIC. NOT YOU, OP!You've got to nip this problem now and end it by standing your ground firmly. Tell him you will not compete with anyone nor should you have to! If you aren't good enough for him that he is on the look out and open to other options, then you will do the SAME THING!! Start by pulling away. Going out more without him etc. If he LOVES YOU, he will be scared of losing you and drop this fantasy pronto!!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 October 2018):
 Your husband is not as innocent as he's making himself out to be. He's lied to you, he hasn't stood by you during your post-partum depression, he's crossed the line with his co-worker and he's definitely not to be trusted. Not just that, he's pushed the blame on to you.
There is absolutely no way I could forgive someone like this unless they went out of their way to prove their faithfulness towards me and my family.
Has he done that? Words are useless unless followed by actions. How do you know he's still not lying to you? And why should you believe him just because he says so, when he's already given you enough reasons to doubt him? Does he think it's that easy, like flicking a switch on?
And most importantly, what does your gut feeling tell you? Do you believe him or do you think there's some hanky panky going on? I say always trust your instincts. Get your ducks in a row in case you need to file for a divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2018): My dear, you do not seem pathetic and your concerns have legitimacy. Your husband is being too friendly with his co-worker and lying about it has compromised the trust in his marriage.
If he doesn't want to cause you stress, how about spending less time sniffing around his female co-worker?
His commentary sounds very patronizing if not condescending; and his behavior is very suspect.
Inform him that since he doesn't take you seriously; you will simply have to consider his behavior inappropriate. Tell him in no uncertain-terms that you are considering marriage-counseling; since he doesn't seem to take your concern that seriously.
It's your only option, if you want to keep this matter under-control. He's about to do something; if he hasn't already. Preventative-measures just might save your marriage.
He's being dismissive, in spite of the incriminating-evidence; and that's a very bad sign. If he was truly concerned, he'd stop; and keep a professional-distance from the woman. He's got his wife writing to an advice column about it. If you can't trust him, there is no marriage.
I think the ultimatum of marriage-counseling will show him how serious you are about it. If you let him have his way; he will just continue what he's doing, until he does something he will regret. Hoping he hasn't already. Playing down your concerns is disrespectful; and the evidence makes him appear to be guilty of cheating on you.
He has no business at her place. Don't make idle threats, start looking for a marriage-counselor as soon as possible.
Tell him that if he refuses the counseling; then you'll consider the more serious option. Divorce!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2018): Red flags everywhere on this one.Somethings goin on.You bear his child and he buys his workmate a gift?Oh h e l l no.Then he tries to turn it around on you? No no no Maybe if he wants to really regain your trust he would stop gaslighting you because that is what is going on.Your marriage is in trouble.If you go to consuling go alone if he is gaslighting you it will never work on him.Get your ducks in a row and get a lawyer.Get your life back.You have alot more to think about like do I want my child to think lying cheating and
Gaslighting are normal parts of a relationship?I assure you they are not.You deserve much better and you know it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2018): Easy for him to say, if the shoe was on the other foot would he be okay with you hanging out with another man, buying him a present if he was suffering from depression, answers on a stamp!No I don't buy he wasn't trying to make something happen with her or at best just really liked her as a friend and you was going through a rough patch. But you just expect you to 'Move along, nothing to worry about' is utter bullshit.He needs to show you he can be trusted and that means keeping his distance from this woman in every way he can. It won't resolve how you feel, that will take time. Maybe couples counselling will help you both talk about things openly.But you have every right to feel how you do, he wants you to forget it because that suits him, but it would always be at the back of my mind why he did that, only you can work out if you can ever fully trust him, words mean nothing, actions do!Best of luck and I hope you are feeling better in terms of your post partum depression x
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (20 October 2018):
Hey hey hey, hang on there lady- back the bus up! There is nothing pathetic about your concerns. These are some serious red flags. Your question is not how do YOU move forward it should be how to WE move forward. Sorry but you husband has taken advantage of you and your post natal depression in an attempt to cover his deception. You are correct, I would be LIVID to find out my partner lied about his whereabouts instead hanging out at some chick he works with home, as for the expensive gifts- way to personal and that stinks to high heaven of cheating or at least considering it. He has a bloody cheek telling you to get some confidence back when he is responsible for shattering it. That sound very much like you are on the road to being gaslighted from here on when it comes to this woman and his antics. His job is to EARN back your trust, how he plans on doing that really needs some uncomfortable for him discussions. This is his mess that he created for himself and it is you that now has to suffer. What do you want from him to do, what boundaries and the consequences for him and the relationship ? whatever they are stand your ground, dont let him discount his behaviour by calling you insecure, crazy, jealous of whatever. His love for you is taking some heat, responsibility and showing you some respect. Wishing you well
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2018): Honestly unless ur completely willing to forgive him u really can't do anything about feeling better u never will. That shit is way crossed the line as u mentioned d! Dont trust that shit one bit! Its all fucken fucked up dood! He broke ur trust clearly and ur gonna go crazy tryna get it back.. I worked at a place where the designer and his boss assisant were seceretly together (not seceretly they would hella flirt and super out out there there clearly more than frends) and people talked about how he had a gf :/ id leave him girl i had to leave my ex for cheating and it sucked i loved him so much but thats one thing about me i NEVER FORGIVE cheating and neither should u no matter what.. Id rather be alone single and struggling with a kid than be with a guy whos with his affair every single day of the week girl 100 Unless........ Lol u do the same start not giving a fuck and do the same thing hang out with who ever wear whatvever the fuck u want and the whole 9 ?? but if ur like me u know it all be for nothing and in the long run its all gonna crumble to shit regardless...fuck relationshipsSorry i hope this helps:(
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