A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So in this past year of self reflection and detoxing myself from the dating world of getting a hook up and a crappy gf I have learned a few things. The ultimate thing it comes down to is that I am the fixer upper. I take on women with problems and DIY fix them and then they bail. I never understood why til just the other day. My mother has been paralysed from the neck down since I was 7 years old. I am now 33. I grew up taking care of her my whole life. It has occurred to me that I go for the needy woman not because of self esteem issues or low self confidence. Its like they say, you go after some one like your mom. I have this need to take care of and "fix" a woman. That has stopped...so the question is how do I go about deciding what it is that I like and want in a woman? now?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 August 2011):
 "in therapy for hoarding etc."
RedAthena what have you landed yourself in? Hahaha, Im sorry, that one just cracked me up. I'm taking notes though, I have realized I do the exact same thing. I go instinctively for the weak and needy.
Personally I think it comes from the roles we had as children. You, male writer, grew up in a role where you were the caretaker, that was your role. I did the same, I grew up as the "protector" of my younger siblings, so I always want to fix things, help people get up on their legs, and offer way too much. Not that offering of yourself is a bad thing in itself, but this role of mine have broken my people picker as well. I go for the ones who appear to need me. Makes me feel wanted and welcome I suppose, and I feel useful.
It's not something I make up either, every parent of every boyfriend I've had has told me how great I am for them, how much I made them improve their lives, they changed for the better (working out, getting a job thanks to me, complete their studies, eat healthy etc. etc.). However no matter the great influence you are on these "broken" people, they are in essence broken. And they have flaws that we can't change. If they are insecure we can boost them up all we want and protect them from the world, but they will turn their insecurity issues over on us.
If they have economical problems we can help them budget all we want (read my article on not being used financially to know the full story), but we can't make them good with money, and the problem is always there even if we temporarily "fix" it. In the end it comes back and bites us in the arse.
I think we need to be very realistic and think with our heads and not our hearts. See that even if someone is charming, if there are red flags, no matter how much you wish it'd work, you need to leave the person be and move on.
Then it was the thing about the red flags. When you look back on your ex's, maybe write down what they key character flaws were that caused the trouble, and avoid those things. Such as "unemployed" or "flippant decision making" or "easily irritated". Also try to remember how you viewed these people when you first met them! Were there are signs you saw already then, that you got confirmed later on? Or at what point in getting to know them did the first red flags appear, and how did they appear? This will help you know what exactly to look out for.
And, last but not least, if there is a deal breaker, leave. No taking back, no trying again, no second chances. Just leave.
Find someone who have sorted themselves out. Good luck to you, and I'll be off writing my own list of qualities that RedAthena suggested we write.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (3 August 2011):
 Boy, do I know about this one in my dating world.
I am on a dating hiatus at the moment because I recognized that my picker was broken and I kept picking up wounded birds. So, I will let you know what was suggested to me and how I am revamping my dating life and fine tuning my people picker.
Concentrate on the charachteristics you DO want in a woman.
Stick with the basics at first that you know you MUST HAVE to make a healthy, adult relationship work.
Stability
Honesty
Integrity
Humour
Affectionate
Then expand on other charachteristics you WOULD PREFER a woman to have.
Example: Loves to Travel, College educated, Politically Liberal, etc.
Then write list of WOULD BE NICE to have/but not critical.
Example: From the United States, brunette, knows how to scuba dive.
Since you know you naturally tend to gravitate towards fixer uppers-write down a list of your DEAL BREAKERS that you want to avoid in a person.
Example: Unemployed, unresolved debt, drug use, jail time, divorce not complete, in therapy for hoarding, etc.
When you meet someone who qualifies for one of your dealbreakers, it is simply ok to tell them, "I am sorry, but i am not ok with (fill in blank) and do not see us dating/having a relationship successfully. I do wish you well."
Now, how do you go about deciding and meeting a woman that meets your qualities?
Try a dating website that matches based on personality and values. Then go out on actual DATES to experience different people. You are not CHOOSING a woman to be your mate when you are dating..
Dating is the trying people on for size like you do when you need a new coat. Some will be too big, some too small, some will not meet your needs, and some will be too damn costly. But, eventually you figure out what you need for your every day life and one is just a great fit.
You do not meet the great fit until you try just getting to know people.
Remember, it is OK to ask questions! When you buy a house, car, or interview for a job, we ask questions and comparison shop! Why do we not do that with someone we are considering living with and committing to?
Set yourself up dating boundaries and relationship boundaries. What would it take for someone to be in a committed relationship with you?
You do NOT have to get serious about anyone you date.
You do NOT have to sleep with anyone you date.
You do NOT have to fix anyone. Grown ups own their own stuff.
Have to talked to someone about possibly being a codependant addict?
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