A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for a year and I am still in school. My mother is still paying for my tuition and not my husband. My mother does not want me to get pregnant because she wants me to graduate then work to build my future so I can be comfortable. But the problem is that my husband wants us to get pregnant this year and I do not know how I feel about that. I feel like I am being pulled in two different directions. I am confused and I do not know what I want. One day I wake up wanting a baby, next day I wake up wanting to work for a few years then start a family. What is the smartest decision to make and how do I not fail my mother and husband at the same time? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (20 March 2015):
Your mother is in charge....for now. As she is paying your tuition fees etc she's right to ask you not to have a baby and focus on your career. So for now live by her rules. Your husband needs to as well. It's not forever just for the time being. Be patient.
Both of you should be respectful to her wishes. You're young and can always have a baby later on. What's the hurry? Sounds like your mum wants only the best for you. Think with your head hun, not your heart.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 March 2015):
 The smart decision: do as your mother says. Graduate, get a job, then have a baby. Do you know how hard it is for a woman to get back on track, especially if she's not even ON the track? You need to start your career FIRST. Unless you boyfriend wants to be a stay at home dad while you get a career.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (19 March 2015):
your husband can help decide these things when he is able to pay for all your needs including your tuition. Your mom is paying for this so that you can have a more stable future, do not pass up this chance. You have loads of time to have a baby
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): I think your husband is the one being unreasonable right now. You are out getting your degree so that you can have a career so that your future with him is more lucrative and more comfortable, as your mom put it. He is your husband so if anything he is the one who should be helping you pay for your degree, not your mom, and he should be supportive of the fact that you are doing something wonderful for the betterment of your future together. I assume he doesn't help with your tuition because he can't afford it? And/or he doesn't think it is that important? If it is because money is tight and he cannot afford it, then that should give you even more incentive to get your degree and have your own career. Your mom in the meantime is nice enough to pay for your studies. Even though I think your husband should be helping in this, but whatever. So now, in the midst of getting your degree, he wants you to have a baby. How are you going to manage that? A baby is a full time job! You are probably going to have to put your studies on hold in order to do this. Is that what he wants? It's almost like he is trying to sabotage your future. I think the fact that he is your husband, not your boyfriend, but your HUSBAND, and he is not the one helping you with your tuition to get ahead in life, speaks volumes of him. What if you drop out of school, have a baby, and a few years down the road you both divorce. You'll have no degree, no career, nothing of your own to fall back on. And if, as a HUSBAND, he cannot even help you with your tuition, shows you very little support to achieve your goals, what on Earth makes you think he would be any more helpful as an EX husband? I know parents can be annoying sometimes and even when they mean well, it often feels intrusive, especially when you are at an age where you are trying to establish your independence from them. And I am not saying this because she is your mother. But only because of the logic behind what she is saying. But I can tell you with absolute certainty that, of these two, the person who has your best interest at heart and KNOWS what she is talking about, is your mother.
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A
female
reader, CattyCat +, writes (18 March 2015):
 Put your career first, so that you can earn a comfy future for your family. Your husband will just have to understand that and respect it. Encourage one another to get a career. Then when you are ready to settle down, have kids.
I've been with my partner 6 years now, and we're still not married nor do we have kids, but we have career's and live together. I'm pretty sure we're comfortable now so we may start in a year, but that's the thing, you can afford to take your time with big decisions like that :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015): I'm kind of in the same situation, married and my parents are paying my fees. But the difference is my worst nightmare would be to fall pregnant right now. I want to finish studying and work for a few years and travel! I find babies adorable but if I had a baby now, I'm sure I won't give us the life that we could have if I waited a few more years. My husband agrees! I take my contraceptives religiously and have a whole stack of pregnancy tests because I freak out that I might be pregnant and take tests periodically to make sure i'm not.What is the point of studying for years only to drop off the professional path with no academic qualifications and no work experience? If you get pregnant now it will be incredibly hard to a) go back to school in the future - I wouldn't expect your mum to pay AGAIN for you to pick up where you left off.b) find a job with your resume after having a baby because you will have 0 experience (you'll be competing with fresh graduates who have no responsibilities and can work the extra hours)Also, god forbid, but if it did happen that your husband fell ill or lost his job or died or your marriage failed, what would happen to you and the baby then? Even if you don't intend to work - keep that option open.Having a baby is not proof of love or committment or anything so your husband doesn't NEED it to happen immediately. It can wait. Your education NEEDS to be completed now since you're already doing it and your mum is willing to help you pay.Definitely wait. Ps. you should have talked about this with your husband before getting married. But it's not too late to talk to him now.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 March 2015):
 Listen to Honeypie.....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 March 2015):
 I don't think it's your husband's CHOICE to decide WHEN it's time for you to get pregnant.
You write that you don't KNOW how you feel about it, which leads me to think you are NOT ready. Even if you wake up some days thinking UH baby! And the next UH career! Doesn't mean you HAVE to decide RIGHT now.
YOUR mother is paying your tuition. She WANTS you to have an education so you can HELP yourself and your family (hubby and future kids) make a better life.
How much longer do you have in school? Why not FINISH school and TRY working for a year (maybe two) and see?
Your husband needs to respect that you may NOT be ready just yet.
I think the WISEST choice it to graduate. TO put YOURSELF first. Because with a degree you CAN help provide to your family. Whether you stay married for 50+ years or end up a single mom.
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