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female
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anonymous
writes: i am currently "dating" a married man that i work with. i too am married. he told me that he loved me almost 6weeks into the relationship and i returned with i love you too. he has 3 kids and i have 1. we see each other maybe 2-3 times a week and talk almost every day on phone. maybe twice a month we meet at a hotel for "our time". he has had affairs in the past on his wife, "but never loved anyone like me" before. he also separated from his wife in the past for 2 years, and said he would not do that again. he says that i am the kind of girl that he would marry, if he wasnt already married. i feel very competitive right now, like i want to win him for myself. i have made this clear to him. we have now been seeing each other about 12 weeks. we are both mature adults in 40's, not kids. i feel like if i work hard i can encourage him to leave his wife for me. how can i do this. and how can i make sure that he really loves me like he says he does. he constantly tells me how beautiful i am, and pumps me up. though he doesnt really put his wife down, he lets me know that i turn him on much more than she does. i really want him, how do i get him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): I feel sorry for that woman because she is destroying not only her marriage and her child but she is also destroying the MM's family as well. I think she should be concentrated on respecting her housband to win his love for her and respect her child to give him/her a good life in the future. seek for help from above. and live MM in peace.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): He is never going to leave his wife and kids, wake up and smell the coffee. You are a beautiful woman and you would be a catch for any guy,therefore leave him. MM just like to have their cake and eat it too. You should know that this is not a man with the values a woman looks for, having had several affairs in the past. Don't put yourself down, walk with your head high and walk away, I firmly believe all of us will one day find what we are looking for from someone who will cherish us and give us 100% of his time as we deserve no less.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): I agree with the other posts, a married man(MM) just has to much vested in his family, kids, wife, lifestyle etc and they are NOT going to let this all go for no guarantee of it being better on the other side. MM are very smart creatures. I myself have been involved with a MM for 2 years and I am the one that has put an end to it. I was tired settling for the crumbs that he was throwing for me, I am a beautiful woman and there's plenty more fish in the sea from what he came from. Yes, it hurt a lot breaking up with me but in a way I realised that I did not want him to settle down with and therefore saw no point in breaking up his family life. I wonder though if he would still try and get back together with me or is it life as normal for him..was just curious as to how the MM thinks..if indeed he genuinely liked me a lot or so he "said"
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008):
I've decided to have a professional only relationship with the contractor His wife is a witch yes, but he's still married to her - no kids - So I need to step out of this picture totally. If we are going to leave our spouses we should do that alone. If we happen to meet again down the road and circumstances are different, well then we'll have to see about it.
:( It's not making me happy, but at least I wont hurt anyone else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): Oh yea... He's twice my age... :Z I'm not weird about it, he's not either. He's actually aged VERY WELL... I mean come on... I liked him in grunged out worn out clothes. Why would age be a huge factor? I've told him that he only likes me because I'm new and that if we were to leave eachothers spouses that I was sure he'd get bored with me. He assured me that if I was even the slightest bit more considerate to him than his wife then he'd love me forever. Thats another reason that I am not going to do anything with him until I am single and he is single. I dont want to be the OTHER WOMAN. My mom raised me with just a little bit more respect for myself and others. Yes. She's a stupid tramp who takes her life WAY WAY for granted. But it's not my place to get involved. If he's going to leave her, I want it to be because he wants to, not because he wants me. I could not live with myself hurting someone else like that. I'm just sayin.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): I've been married for 2 years and I have a wonderful son with my semi-wonderful husband. My husband is great and all, but we dont talk, share affections of any kind. We dont go out we just sit there in a quiet room, doing nothing again tonight as usual. I love my husband. He used to be this wonderful perfectly imperfect man. I even cancelled our wedding, the church, the dress, cake, friends and EVERYTHING because his grandfather was dying and I chose to get married in a hospital for this man. A month later, on our original wedding date, he died. With him, so did my husband. I've been working alot lately and in my job I come into contact with a lot of men. No, I am not a stripper or bar tend, I perform state inspections to make sure that buildings are built to code. Well, one contractor... Caught my eye as I caught his as well. He's married, but doesnt wear his ring. He loves her, but is in a love less marriage. She degrades him and tortures him about his work. The way that we met, I went out on one of his jobs and failed it. I called the office - his wife answered. - I told her who I was, the address, and my rating. With me on the phone, she started yelling at him. "WHAT'D YOU DO WRONG NOW?" At this time I had no idea who he was. I just knew he failed and it was a simple fix. Minor issue. Well he got on the phone and started yelling at me asking what he did wrong. I cannot blame him. He later called back at my office. My secretary answered and he said, "I need to talk to ______" in an impatient voice. Like my husband does when he calls.So she patched him to my office and said, "I think your husband is on line 3"So I answered the phone like I usually do for my husband "Hey baby" He said "Well Hey Baby to you too!" in a joking manner and laughed and apologized for being rude. And explained that his wife does that kind of thing to him all the time, and makes him feel like he cannot do anything right. I told him that it's fine and I've been called worse names than what he called me and it just rolls off my back in my profession.Like I said, I still had not met this guy.A couple days later he called me for a re-inspection and asked if he could be there when I was working. I allowed it. But I got there first. I began my inspection and as he was pulling into the driveway I was finishing up. I turned around and forgot everything I had looked at. We started talking... About work, construction, trucks and dogs. We hit it off... as friends. Well, that same day I went to 4 more of his jobs, They were on my list. And he followed me to each. Then he remarked on how much knowledge I had for being a female and said that because I looked so beautiful that hearing that he had failed was much easier when I said it. (I used to model) So I get a lot of different reactions. But his was cute. I knew he was married and I wasnt even thinking about it. But I flirted back in an innocent way. We still have not done anything, but we talk alot and meet for lunch and discuss new codes and orders.But it's like he is crying out for help. I can tell that he really really likes me, but the look in his eyes when he looks at me... He looks so sad. I feel bad for the old lug. He's trapped by a psycho. --- Not going by what he said. I've talked to her several times and she is VERY degrading and mean to him. Even in front of other people. And he works SOOO hard. Put her in a VERY nice car and a HUGE million dollar home which was the first job of his that I inspected. I'd love to be in her position. He still tries to make her happy, he calls her cute little pet names on the phone and she says "Whatever cut that bull shit out." She thinks that he is alone in his truck but I can hear it all. I feel so sorry for him and for her. She's got this wonderful man that she verbally abuses daily. The only thing holding me back is my husband. I love HIM, I fell in love with this man and maybe I'm not happy right now, but I cannot help but hope that it'll change. Said MM wants to be with me. He says it and I can see it in his eyes. And when I leave after lunch or I leave his last job after I am done with the inspection, he looks like a sad little puppy and it makes me sooo sad. He'll usually call me 15 minutes later to "make sure I would be coming back tomorrow" Then we'll end up talking ALL day. I cannot tell you how much this guy actually WANTING to talk to me makes me feel. He'll call me just to say he was thinking about me. And he calls in the morning just to see if I can come to his work on my day off, just so he can see me. We went to lunch and I paid since he is MY CLIENT. He tried to pay, but if he did then it would have been a date in my eyes. Then he tried to give me money to go get my nails done. "because I deserve it" . I quickly told him that I am more than able to pay my own bills and take care of myself. He quickly responded. "I can see that."He's the sweetest man, EXACTLY like my husband was when I fell in love with him. Just innocent and sweet. But I wont do anything with this guy. Namely because I am married and even tho my relationship sucks right now. I hope that it'll get better. As much as I'd love to be with this guy. I'd much rather my husband return to his normal self again. That would make me the happiest woman in the world.The funny thing is... When I told him that I was more than able to take care of myself it was like a weight lifted off of his shoulders in a way of hope for him. His wife married him because he's got ALOT of money and she doesnt hide that at all. I've never been one to care about money, I use it to pay my bills. Other than that, it's just paper to me. I just want to be happy again. As far as his wife goes... That's her man, I'll be his friend forever. But I'm not going there until we are BOTH single. If that'll ever happen. Later replys will be posted under MAN INSPECTIONS
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reader, WhattheHey  +, writes (16 December 2008):
I dont see why you would want to have a guy thats married its, makes no viable sense to steal someone elses mate, I dont care if he is miserable, he should have thought of that before he gotten married and decide to ruin his children lives.
the question is, why would you want to have a guy thats already married and going to leave his wife.
i know this one woman who was dating a guy, he was married, she told me that he was leaving his wife for her, he eventually did after 8 month he had 2 children with his EX wife, and 2 DUI driving. Why would any woman want a guy like this, Yeah he works owns a house. I tried to explain to her, that a person who leave his wife after finding someone else has a plan. So I figure this guy will do the same to her, get her pregnant have a few kids with her, and then leave her for another woman. since they work together in the same building they see each other everyday, but soon the work place will be going under, and they would have to work apart. this will give him a chance to find something else, not right away. but a chance to find something else. its wierd how woman fells for the wrong guy, i mean really if the guy has a wife LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!! so simple, i dont care how much he has CHARMED and LOOKS and money. GEESUS!
Go look elsewhere, where its not takened, tell him to go away!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): I have a different spin on the situation. Please don't feel or think that I am a hyprocrite. I even now feel it is wrong to pursue someone's mate; whether they are married or single. I have been the one cheated on in my past relationships. I am now the other woman; but until recently did I want more. I will explain, I met my m/m during a vulnerable period in my life. I had just found out that not had my mate been unfaithful, for the millionth time; but he and this b!tch had been together the entire length of our relationship. She was very disrespectful and made her presence known. I was so hurt this last round of adultery that I couldn't cry. I left the situation, but my ex didn't want to accept the fact I was leaving him. I met my m/m due to his job and the psycho things my ex was doing without any regards to the children. We developed a friendship, I brushed off advances, he kept chasing me; one night after being here as my personal body guard, my ex crossed the lines and before you know it-m/m and I became intimate. I treated it as getting my needs met; had second thoughts; I told him how I felt about my doing to someone else what had been done to me so many times before.
This is where things get interesting- my ex tried and tried to come back; he used the kids to try and get under my skin. the friendship I had developed with M/M allowed me to see my ex differently. I allowed myself to get closure with my ex. I forgot to tell you all by this time I was pregnant with M/M's child. My ex knew I was expecting, he wondered was it his. M/M said the course of our friendship had changed, the day we found out he told me he loved me and whatever happened as a result we were in it together. He has kept his words, until recently to make a long story short. Here's the background- we have 1yr old twin boys., he was there every step of the pregnancy, the birth, they have not only his last name, but his father's first name, he's an excellent father to my four other children as well as the two we have together, then his two from a previous marriage, he's a provider( a real man in every aspect), I no longer drive, he takes me where I need to go, he goes alone with the twins to their doctor visits or we go as a family, he has been there for my birthday, most of the holidays, he has even came for my other children's birthdays, he has been around my family, I his friends, his sister wanted to meet me, I declined out of respect for his wife, he wants to bring his children around, his family knows about my boys, he's been depressed due to losing his job and ran to me for comfort, didn't even tell her until three days later, I know for a fact he was here those three days, without leaving unless I accompanied him. I know what family means to him, he has expressed that through action, even with the 6 kids here. He is currently appealing his wrongful termination at his job,it ahs been a year of emotional rollercoasters for not only him and his finances but mine as well. I can not go to work, it wasn't possible with him working a full-time job and several side jobs, daycare for three toddlers would defeat the purpose. I had the luxury of being an at home mom when he was gainfully employed. I offered to go back to work to relieve some of his pressure, he declined, doesn't want his children in daycare. I now how to rely on government assistance WIC,Medicaid, and food stamps.So I was forced to take child support out on him in order to continue receiving benefits. I am a full time student majoring in Criminal Justice and he wants me to focus on the kids and my education( I have a year left in school). He has been in numerous short term affairs, that started within the 3rd year of their marriage. She adopted his kids from a previous marriage, they have none together, she didn't want any and he did. His kids were emotionally scorned from their birth mother's actions( and have only been out of therapy for about 4yrs), that's why he has sole custody and she no rights. I am all about children and what is BEST for them.He has been forcing me to acknowledge whether I had feelings for him and wanted to be with him. It took exactly 2 and a half years for me to open my heart up to him(Fourth of July to be exact). We talked about his leaving and telling his spouse about us. I called her and was as compassionate as I would have wanted the women that slept with my ex to have been towards me. I do love him and it has deepened. I care more about the children's feelings that are involved in our situations. He has agreed to move in twice within the past month and I have been the one with the change of heart and mind. We tried to end things two days ago and it was very emotional and heart breaking for both. We tried to be amical, he came to bring my house keys back and I returned his belongins to him. The kids greeted their daddy and step dad at the door with hugs and kisses, he started crying, because he is torn between two women and two families; one woman is using the kids to keep her grip on him, and I on the other hand am willing to let him go and still be a major part of the kids life. He ended up staying and we made love, he didn't want to leave, but I told him it was best. He's doing it for all the children involved, and I am okay with my decision, I ache for him, but it's for the Best, he doesn't want to leave me with the kids and want me to not give up on us and to wait to see what the final disposition is in his case, that's coming up in a few weeks. I want to be with him, but not at the expense of hurting the kids and making someone else feel as I had once felt not too long ago, that led me to get involved with him in the first place. I know he truly loves me, our boys, my other kids from a previous relationship, his kids, I know he has to have some feelings for her, she made sacrifices to be with him and his children, she's from Germany, no family here, but him and his kids, she's been their mother( more than what that surrogate that gave birth did). I know he feels indebted to her, and he is a good person, but their relationship was long in ruins before me, and he has stayed because of the kids. This woman is highly unstable the threats and tactics she has made and taken to keep us apart and him from our boys. I know that he won't be able to live there under those condiitions and the bond he has with our children and my other children. I had a high risk pregnancy and he waited on me hand and foot, went into pre-term labor and he left work and came to the hospital to see when they thought I would deliver. He was a Detective and was in the middle of an investigation where parents were suspected of abusing their infant twins; when I actually was rushed into an emergency C-section, i didn't call him and he was mad, because he wanted to be there and cut their cords. He visited me constantly while I was there and the boys everyday, if he didn't he called to check on them in the neonatal unit. He went with me to bring them home. Other than the way he works, his children nor mine has missed that much. I know that they aren't having sex, I leave vivid purpish passion marks on him, to make sure they don't. I have never tried to be vindictive intentionally, we connect mentally, physically,and work out our differences together as one. until July, we never had any major arguments concerning feelings, and our relationship per se. Not complications on his end, we have dealt with so much, stalkers, child custody, you name it, between my ex, him and myself, my ex is partly to blame for his job being lost, not to go into too much detail. I am not wishing either way, but I am preparing for whatever the outcome might be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): I've been involved with a MM for just over a year. I was 37yrs old & as the movie title goes, I had "Never Been Kissed". Muchless anything else. (Background: I had gone through a lot & though, I had many male friends/admirers, I never really trusted anyone to get involved with them). My MM & I started talking @ work. I knew he was married, but there was an ease about our conversations. He was comfortable and I thought, safe (married). So, I continued to talk to him. (He works 2 jobs. I see him at the 2nd job and during the 1st job, we talk for at least 4 hours a day). Little did I know, I was falling in love. He became my best friend. Knew everything about me. We can finish each other's sentence, know each other's thoughts. All the classic corny stuff. 2 mos into our relationship, he gave my my first kiss. 8 mos, was my first time and ours together. It has since been our only time because I have a difficult time with the emotions involved with our situation. That was 5 months ago.
I've met his wife. Nobody likes her. In fact, people either know or suspect at our work and surprisingly, they are so encouraging. They see how she treats him and how great we are together. They are pulling for us. I thought that was pretty strange.
He wants to leave. He has two small kids. His father was a dead-beat and is scared that his kids will hate him the way he hated his dad when he left. Everyone (instead telling me to end this) tells me to be patient and to be understanding because of the kids. They all believe that he'll leave and he tells me that he will leave. He wants to be with me, wants a future with me. I'm just scared.
I know that no one can say it will or won't happen. Every situation is different. I never thought I'd be in this situation. I'm very religious and that was a big obstacle to deal with (I'm still trying to come to terms with that), but I love him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): Forget him. I'll tell you why. I've been seeing the same married man for 10 years. I never asked him to leave the wife and kids and never will, because i know he won't and because at one point, there was a separation, he came to me and about drove me out of my mind staying at my house. It opened my eyes big time to what a completely different person he is when you live with him. I know, i shouldn't still be seeing him, but i have grown to care deeply about him, so it's hard to end it. But i will never, ever expect him to leave his family. Oh also, they were separated because SHE wanted it, did some nasty financial things to him, and when she could'nt make it on her own, she kissed up to him and he went back. Please, learn from this. I knew he would go back, and i was relieved actually. Get out while you can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): If you want something badly enough it can be yours.
I'm also in that situation. I've been dating this guy for 9 months. I love him and he loves me. I have tried all tricks to get him to leave his wife including getting a good samaritan to call the wife and telling her what me and him get up to. It worked a bit but hey she still hung in there.
The man is going to be mine, by hook or crook.
Watch this space for details....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Ephesians. Go figure it out. Work it out, figure it out. Fetch a clue to what its all about. Indulgence of your indulgence is not the answer. Ephesians. Ephesians. Ephesians. People love each other once and then trade out like a new car. The euphoria wears off. Then they wonder why they traded. Work it out. Forgive. Don't pull apart another marriage. Love the one you married.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): As a fellow woman in kinda the same situation, I don't think that there is any way to make him leave his wife. It will just happen when the time is right. And as far as leaving his kids, I hate that phrase. He isn't leaving his kids, he will still see them and spend time with them whenever he can and if he doesn't then how great of a man could he really be!! I have been seeing the same man for 5 years as of today and just last night he promised that by our 6 year anniversary it will be better then the last 5 all put together. It has been a really rocky road and it hasn't been easy at all!!! When the affair started we were both married and after 2 years I couldn't handle what I was doing to my husband any longer. I couldn't look at him and keep thinking how I wanted to be in another mans arms. I moved out of the bedroom and into the spare room the year before but, I just finally couldn't handle it anymore.
When I left I thought for sure that he would leave his wife shortly after and guess what he still hasn't!!! This relationship has taken a good bit out of me but, I just can't give up yet!!! I have spyed on him at night when he has been home with his family to see for my self that him and his wife weren't sitting around holding each other and I have gone out of my way to check up on him to see if they seem happy together. He kept promising he was going to leave and even gave me dates but, they would come and go. Finally I ended up admitting my self because I tried to hurt him! While I was in the hospital he came to see me everyday and promised me he wouldn't give up on me and that he would be by my side threw it all. He was!!! He have good days and bad days and we fight alot and I try to end it but, he keeps coming back. The most I have gone without seeing him since we started this affair was 1 day. He has used every excuse in the book not to leave and that is what they feel like they are, "excuses". I even called his wife and told her everything and she still stayed with him and he won't give up on us. He works 3rd shift and he comes over ever night after work to sleep with me and goes back home in the morning. He bought a house and is redoing it and says that as soon as it is done he is leaving! He just wants a place for us and the kids. I don't know what is going to happen between us but I do know that everyday I have been getting more and more strength to finally say enough is enough. I look at every single man and wish he was more like the man I am seeing so I could leave and begin a life with a single man. Don't get me wrong, I would never go back to my exhusband and our marriage had been over for a long time before the affair started but, he gave me the strength to finally leave. If your heart tells you to hold on then do it and when you finally have had enough you will know. In my eyes if I can push and fight with him and he keeps coming back then there must be something there and maybe one day it will work out for everyone. As far as the bitter wives go. If your man cheated then there wasn't much of a marriage any way!!! Now is your chance to find a man that will love you and treat you the way your husband didn't!!! Why stay in a unhappy marriage when we can show our kids that there is happiness out there and you should never settle. Do what will make you happy so your not one of the millions of people walking around depressed because your not happy!!! LIFE IS WHAT WE MAKE IT AND HAPPINESS SHOULD BE THE BIGGEST PART OF IT, DON'T SETTLE UNTIL YOU ARE HAPPIER THEN YOU COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): I am so sorry for you, as I know what you are going through. A friendship began between my neighbor and I, we were not attracted to each other but began to discuss issues regarding our community. I was married with two children and he is married with four. After two months of being friends, a spark occured between us. Before we new it we were involved in an affair and we made it very clear to each other that we did not want to leave our families and that we should pull away from each other. That became impossible because we were both weak, if I did not call him, he would call me. Two months into the relationship my husband found out that something was happening and I did not lie. My husband left me and a month later he told his wife he wanted to get separated and she had a fit. She became so violent that she even got physical. She begged him not to leave and he did just that. He did not leave. We continued with our relationship, seeing each other everyday and vacationing together. Within this last year he has attempted to leave her 3 times but does not follow through. She begins to cry and tells him that she will die if he leaves her. He adores his children, actually he does everything for them. He cooks, bathes them, plays with them and puts them to bed. He tells me that it kills him to think that he will be separated from his children and unable to do this routine with them. It also hurts him to think that he will be hurting his children, he assures me that he no longer loves his wife but he does care for her but his biggest fear is to start all over and to hurt his children. So my friend let me tell you that I lost my husband, although I admit our marriage was not the best. But it is not easy to be a single mom and to just sit around hoping that this guy toughens up and decides to start a new life with me. It is not going to happen!!!! It has been a year and he has had several opportunities to leave her but when he is faced with actually having to leave it all behind, he just stays home and guess what? Most of the nights I sleep alone or he will get up in the middle of the night and go home. It is very torturing and it affects your work, your social life, your kids, this relationship begins to consume you and you battle between feelings and morality. I honestly thought that when my husband left he would shortly do the same but he did not follow through, now a year later it is not going to happen. We have tried to just break it off and completely stop talking and seeing each other but it does not work because we are both weak. What I am trying to do now is to begin occupying my free time and although we are each others best friend and we tell each other everything. I am trying to call my girlfriends and relatives instead of sharing everything with him. I am going to the gym and trying to spend more time with my girls. I never ever thought I would be in this situation, I was always in control of my feelings but this man has got a tight grip on my heart but I am slowly trying to get it back. I know that anything is possible and if you want some hope, because I dont have any anymore but one of my best friends mom and step dad have been married for 30 years. When they met they were both married to other people. Actually the two couples were friends. My friends mother and this man became attracted to each and till this day they say that they are sole mates. They left each others spouse and married each other, they are till this day so in love and get along wonderful. But this does not happen often, I agree with the comments that if they don't do it withing the first few months of the relationship they are not going to do it later. I wish you luck and internal peace. I can tell you that at this point I am longing for internal peace.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): My "married man" affair ended exactly 24 hrs ago, despite the fact that we were "in love", and his constant reassurances that by next year we would be together, my intuition correctly told me otherwise. I am now heartbroken and feel so hurt and sad.
Affairs rarely work the way we want them to, and if they do, you quickly find they were not what you thought they would be, so my advice, is tread carefully, and dont believe they will leave their families until there are actually living with you!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): Go get him girl!
I am currently seeing a married man and we are in love!!!!Anything is possible if you want him you will get him.Watch me get mine all to mylself
Good luck chick xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): God! That will never happen! He is just a well experienced womanizer and you will never be happy, never! Why not find a man of your own? Why snatch someones husband thinking you are 100% perfect for him? Do you know what turned him to his wife when she was still young and pretty? You will never win him unless you want to be a permanent another woman.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): You both sound perfect for each other.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): What about your marriage? Are you seriously going to uproot the lives of 3 children and two other adults simply because you get off on it. Marriage and children are not a game. If you were "mature" you would know that you don't play with people's lives. Look in the mirror and find out what is wrong with you, before you hurt innocent people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): Dear Girlfriend,
I am not writing in judgment or hate, but as a fellow OW who has been in similar situations. The first began when I was 19 with a 32 year old, married man with 2 kids. I know how it goes; you meet, deny dating the married man and are finally wooed by his charms and affection. You start the affair without intentions of an involved love affair. You figure you'll just have some fun and before you know it, you're caught up. You love the man and no other man compares to this married man. You convince yourself that sharing this perfect man is better than all the available men because none of them will measure up to your married man.
You play this game for a while, and believe me it is a game. You are empowered by his dislike of his wife and honesty and affection towards you. You might even admire his "honorable" qualities of not wanting to destroy his family. After this, the waiting game begins. You begin to hope and wait for this man to leave his wife.
This process will go on for as long as you allow it. You, as the other woman hold all the power. I don't think that it's impossible that the man will leave his wife, but I do think that it all depends on circumstance and timing. The bottom line is that if he is going to leave his wife, he's going to do it quickly. If you've been dating this married man for 2 weeks and he's seriously talking about leaving his wife, he's going to do it within a month or two. After that, it’s not going to happen. If you've been dating a married man for more than six months or even years as I had, he will NEVER leave! He may fill your head will vague promises that keeps you hoping, but in reality, if his situation was that bad he would have already left. By staying, you enable his marriage because you fill in where his marriage fails.
In the end, I got tired. I realized that I was always going to be the other woman. That doesn't mean that I stopped loving him. I just grew up and grew tired of the situation. I wanted more. I wanted a full time man and I began my search within this world full of men for the perfect one that would be able to be there, ALL of the time. Trust me; there is more than one man for you.
After I got out of that situation which lasted from 19-23, I reconnected with an old flame that I learned had married and had a child since our last connection. The messed up thing is that like the previous man, I REALLY liked him! It makes me wonder if all the good men taken or if I just have some deep rooted issues and am drawn towards unavailable men. On some level they are safe. You know where they are and know that they are the marrying type because they did it before. Rationally, I know both situations are BAD, but I was emotionally drawn to both of them. The new married man started calling me everyday and I started really enjoying our conversations. I asked myself, "What the hell?" "Why is he calling me and why am I talking to him?" All the old feelings I had for him came flying in like they had never left. He invited me to visit him and he flew me 400 miles away from home and we enjoyed a passionate, whirlwind romance. I just arrived home a week ago and he was already talking about sharing the rest of his life with me while I was there with him. Exactly a week after I had left he announced to me that he was going to leave his wife. I'm giving him a month to get his shit together. If he hasn’t left by then, he's never going to and our connection wasn't what I thought it was. I know, on some level I must love drama.
After all of this, I would like to still give the signs that a man will NEVER leave his wife for you:
1. It's been a year (or more!)
If you've been involved in this affair (sorry honey there's no kind way to put it) for a year or more waiting for him to get his business in order, then darling it's likely never to happen.
2. It's not the money
Aren't you worth more to him than his losing half his net worth? "As soon as I can move some of my assets out of her name, I'll leave". Sure! Remember you also have some assets to bring to the relationship besides enhancing his wellbeing.
3. I'll wait 'til the kids are older
How old do the kids need to be? All kids grieve when parents split no matter what age. In addition, is raising kids in an unhealthy marriage good for the children?
4. He spends more nights away from you.
I know he doesn't want to create suspicion at home. Soon he'll leave her and you'll be together?.forever! Hmmmmmmmm read point 1 again.
5. The flowers, dinners out or weekends away slow or fade away.
Ah you're now apart of the furniture. The romance is dwindling. Perhaps it's just as well you didn't take the big step.
And finally remember if you are going through this now could it happen to you later. Does a leopard really change his spots?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): Dear Girlfriend,I am not writing in judgement or hate, but as a fellow OW who has been in similar situations. The first began when I was 19 with a 32 year old, married man with 2 kids. I know how it goes, you meet, deny dating the married man and are finally wooed by his charms and affection. You start the affair without intentions of an involved love affair. You figure you'll just have some fun and before you know it, you're caught up. You love the man and no other man compares to this married man. You convince yourself that sharing this perfect man is better than all the available men because none of them will measure up to your married man.You play this game for a while, and believe me it is a game. You are empowered by his dislike of his wife and honesty and affection towards you. You might even admire his "honorable" qualities of not wanting to destroy his famiy. After this, the waiting game begins. You begin to hope and wait for this man to leave his wife.This proccess will go on for as long as you allow it. You, as the other woman holds all the power. I don't think that it's impossible that the man will leave his wife, but I do think that it all depends on circumstance and timing. The bottom line is that if he is going to leave his wife, he's going to do it quickly. If you've been dating this married man for 2 weeks and he's seriously talking about leaving his wife, he's going to do it within a month or two. After that, its not going to happen. If you've been dating a married man for more than six months or even years as I had, he will NEVER leave! He may fill your head will vague promises that keeps you hoping, but in reality, if his situation was that bad he would have already left. By staying, you enable his marriage because you fill in where his marriage fails.In the end, I got tired. I realized that I was always going to be the other woman. That doesn't mean that I stopped loving him. I just grew up and grew tired of the situation. I wanted more. I wanted a full time man and I began my search within this world full of men for the perfect one that would be able to be there, ALL of the time. Trust me, there is more than one man for you.After I got out of that situation which lasted from 19-23, I reconnected with an old flame that I learned had married and had a child since our last connection. The messed up thing is that like the previous man, I REALLY liked him! It makes me wonder if all the good men taken or if I just have some deep rooted issues and am drawn towards unavailable men. On some level they are safe. You know where they are and know that they are the marrying type because they did it before. Rationally, I know both situation are BAD, but I was emotionally drawn to both of them. The new married man started calling me everyday and I started really enjoying our conversations. I asked myself, "What the hell?" "Why is he calling me and why am I talking to him?" All the old feelings I had for him came flying in like they had never left. He invited me to visit him and he fley me 400 miles away from home and we enjoyed, a passionate, whilrwind romance. I just arived home a week ago and he was alreadt talking about sharing the rest of his life with me while I was there with him. Exactly a week after I had left he announced to me that he was going to leave his wife. I'm giving him a month to get his shit together. If he hasen't left by then, he's never going to and our connection wasn't whatI thought it was. I know, on some level I must love drama. After all of this, I would like to still give the signs that a man will NEVER leave his wife for you:1. It's been a year (or more!)If you've been involved in this affair (sorry honey there's no kind way to put it) for a year or more waiting for him to get his business in order, then darling it's likely never to happen.2. It's not the moneyAren't you worth more to him than his losing half his net worth? "As soon as I can move some of my assets out of her name, I'll leave". Sure! Remember you also have some assets to bring to the relationship besides enhancing his wellbeing.3. I'll wait 'til the kids are olderHow old do the kids need to be? All kids grieve when parents split no matter what age. In addition, is raising kids in an unhealthy marriage good for the children?4. He spends more nights away from you.I know he doesn't want to create suspicion at home. Soon he'll leave her and you'll be together?.forever! Hmmmmmmmm read point 1 again.5. The flowers, dinners out or weekends away slow or fade away.Ah you're now apart of the furniture. The romance is dwindling. Perhaps it's just as well you didn't take the big step.And finally remember if you are going through this now could it happen to you later. Does a leopard really change his spots?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2007): my husband had an affair with a divorced mother of one boy. i myself have one four years old little girl who love her daddy more than anything in this world, but my husband now leaving because of her. she is such a evil women who is using my husband for money and i am also very very angry to my husband who is leaving this marriage after 8 years. i don't know why some women always try to find happiness over someon'e sorrow. think about those children how will they feel not having their father with them. just leave that family alone and don't destroy someone's family. or one day you will have to pay for this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): Mature? Yeah right. He is not going to leave his wife and kids for you. He is just very confused. If he wanted to leave his wife and kids he would have already. You need to walk away and let him decide on his own. I am so tired of people who commit adultry and call themselves mature. Do you even understand the negative impact this could have on his wife and children should he leave them? You already said he has cheated before and still he has not left his family. He only tells you he loves you so that you will stick around. He want's it both ways. You reap what you sow. Walk away now before you hurt his family and yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2007): Hi there ~ im in the same situation and i get real tired of people judging and saying we're homewreckers etc. If you really love someone it is not like that at all. My MM and i have seen each other for 3 years and about a year ago we committed to each other and have decided that in a years time we will be together. Oh yeah at times i think im fooling myself but then again he is definitely worth the wait. Some people dont realize that its the hardest on the OW. She is having to sit back and only have part of the man that she loves , the man that means everything to her. If you fall deeply in love, then you really should be together. My MM has no kids with her. His first wife was killed in a car accident , this one he said he jumped in way to quickly with. He feels he wants to take his time and he is scared of alot of things. I know not to push him and i know i cant around forever. But i love him and if i ever have to give up and let him go then i can guarrantee his wife will know the truth. We do love each other and if im ever gonna be happy in life then he will be mine. If he was happy at home then he wouldnt be with me. He wouldnt be having the need for the affair. Id like to hear some advice from people who have really felt the love for a MM and successfully had the chance in life to be with him. Id like to know how she did it, how she was able to hang onto the love and hope of the someday. Advice from nonjudgemental people and who have really felt the hurt and pain that goes along with loving someone in this situation. It would be greatly appreciated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2007): you should be ashamed of yourself what about those poor kids you clearly don't care about how this will affect them
Your sick to try and break up a marriage and see 3 kids loose there father.
Wake up and walk away from this before you hurt alot of people.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (26 October 2006):
 "... how do I get him?"
You don't. He has the best deal and has no intention of changing the status quo.
Even if you somehow get him - and destroy a bunch of young lives in the process - he will cheat on you. Guaranteed. And when he falls far short of your expectations, you will cheat on him. Guaranteed.
It seems clear to me that you care nothing for the well-being of your child, but only for the selfish satisfaction of your animal desires. So divorce your family now and get on with a life where you don't further damage your child and where you can do some growing up.
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A
female
reader, SERENE  +, writes (25 October 2006):
I sincerely feel that you are in for a lot of hurt and pain. Try to break away.Its probably the most hardest thing for you to do.It's going to kill you, but you have to. Just remember my angel, that if he can do this to his wife, he will marry you and then have an affair behind your back. God bless and I hope he gives you the courage to break away slowly.
SERENE
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006): THis reply has come a bit late but i wanted to post an answer as your question is similar to my life at the moment.. I have been seeing a guy for a year although he has a long term girlfriend who he wont leave. I can relate to that competitive feeling you described although it is childish. its the fear of rejection and the confusion of 'well why wont he leave her for me.' Unfortunately, as in my situation if your guy has not left his wife already then he wont. Why? Because many guys want security and comfort of a woman and leaving their partner and hurting them is just too much hassle.. especially as there is no need for him to leave her cos he has you as well.You want to know how to get him but you have him now - as much as you ever will have him. From my experience nothing changes.. he will carry on telling you how he feels about you which i believe he sincerley means but he will go home to his wife and carry on as normal, and never leave her.I have accepted that my guy will never leave his girl, i know how much he likes me etc but i know that it will remain as a fling for as long as I let it. He will never stop it. It has been a long road to this conclusion.. i have had the worst hurt iv ever had in my life.. loneliness, jealousy.. tormenting myself.. all of it cos the chase got to me and its hard to stop. It became my life. My advice to you is try and let it go if you can cos your headed for a lot of pain. But i know how hard it is when you really like someone. Plus you have what i dint have which should help you. you have a family. try and focus on that.. make efforts to get your marriage back on track - make that your challenge. i wish you so much luck and hope you are happy x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2006): Im sorry to say it but all married men in affairs say that they will leave they're wife at one point or another, but the important thing is that he has split from his wife for a previous affair and he went straight back to her!.
He is gonna say things to keep you strung along, "I love you", "you turn me on more than my wife", I would say that was hes way of keeping you around. HE WANTS TO HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT!!. this relationship is going nowhere.
So if he says he wont do it then I think he has learnt this the hard way. If i was you I would concentrate on your current marriage and try to iron out the creases.
Sorry babes the truth hurts. xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): You say you are not a child but you are certainly acting like one. What you propose is to break up someone else's marriage, as well as your own. Spare a thought for this man's wife: you would destroy her, and her children, not to mention your own husband and child. That's FIVE lives you'd destroy, which frankly is selfish beyond belief. I know it's not all you: this unfaithful husband you're "dating" must take some blame too. Think about it: he is currently cheating on his own wife, how do you know he wouldn't do the same to you? You don't. Don't take his word for it, that's for sure. It seems to me you and your lover are both in loving marriages but both want what you can't have. He's obviously having various issues with his own wife, and is dating you to make up for what he lacks in his marriage.
You are being incredibly foolish, but then again- if you and he can act with such disregard for his family and your own: maybe you deserve each other.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (20 October 2006):
 Hi Anon,
I am telling you this as a man. If I were him, I would not leave my wife for you. Firstly, the are four kids that I would not want to screw up with this. Second, I am getting sex from two women (maybe more)who both tell me they love me in the same time period. Why wreck that?
Next, the financial complication of a divorce...could be the end of his lifestyle.
Finally, there is no guarentee that leaving his wife would make it work between the two of you. He has everything to gain in staying and nothing to lose.
Wake up dear. He has got the perfect set up.
Focus on your marriage with your husband, and think about your child. See if you can make the relationship you actually have work out. What you have with this guy is a nice past time. You owe it to your child not to be taken in to assume this is anything more than it is: an office romance, that would end if either of you changed jobs. Try it. Change your job, and see if you two still hang out together.
Good luck. You are going to get hurt thinking the way you do.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): Dear, this is not high school where two 14 year old females are vying for the attentions of a 16 year old boy! As a woman in her 40's...don't you think it's time to grow up? This is the adult world where two marriages, two spouses and innocent children's lives will be deeply affected by the painful,delibrate unthinking actions you propose to do. Are you that uncaring that you can live with yourself knowing you've helped destroy other people's happiness? Here's a newsflash, hun. This is not all about 'just you'.
Putting aside your moral compass for a moment, let's think about this married man and his character? Is it really truely in your best interests that he leave his wife for you? As Camille mentioned, we are talking about a 'serial' cheater here, a deceitful, dishonest man who does not value his family so therefore likely does not value you. If he really did value you, he would've left his wife a long time ago to be with you. And what about his sense of committment? He married a woman and had children with her and yet, he can't commit to that? Do you honestly think he'll commit to you because he gets 'great sex' with you. Sex is not the end all to a loving, devoted, meaningful relationship. But let's say you finally 'win' this challenge and you both end up together. What will you have for a man? And..what's going to happen when he gets bored of you? He'll find another little honey to accomodate him? Don't think that will ever happen? Think again. You will never, ever feel safe, cherished by this man.You will never trust him. Never. How could you feel loved and cherished by such a man...his past speaks for itself. You well know, If he can't cherish the very people he has built a life with such as his kids and wife...how is he going to do that with you over the long term? Where do you see yourself with this man in about 5 years? Bet my bottom dollar, you'll be another casualty in his long line of infidelities. Is this really what you want, dear. Go back to your husband and child and become a stronger, more giving person. Get some individual counseling to find out why, you can so easily disconnect and detach yourself from your sense of love and committment to your husband and child with no thought of the pain and suffering you will be bringing into their lives. I truely hope that you see the light and eventually find the courage and strength to really love/value yourself and love/value and respect your family enough, to kick this married man's ass to the curb. Time will tell.
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A
female
reader, eidden06 +, writes (20 October 2006):
I know this too well. The man will NOT leave his wife for you. If he was going to do it, he would of done it already. You are easy access for him. I was in the same situation. I was married for 12 years and we were very unhappy--it ended in divorce. Shortly after the break-up, I was obviously not ready to date, but I accepted a dinner date with a married co-worker. It turned into a 2 year roller coaster affair of different emotions. He would tell me the same things, but when I realized he would not leave, I slowly stepped away by finding my happiness. You have to tell yourself that you are worth it to have someone for you, not a married man. I truly regret what I did and prayed for forgiveness and got the courage to get away from him. I belive in bad karma and it will follow you. Pray to get the courage to walk away, and that is when all the loud noise in your head will go away because I'm sure this is distracting you at home, work and everything you do. It is not a healthy way to live. I have since met a wonderful (single) man and we are enganged. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (20 October 2006):
 You say you're a mature adult yet you speak of this as if it were some kind of game; a challenge. The fact is you are both married so perhaps the first thing you should do is leave your husband if you do not want to be with him. Then see what happens. I'd be surprised if this man who is a serial cheater will leave his wife for you, but even if he did, how would you trust him? How could you ever trust each other?
If you're on your own then at least you'll be doing one decent thing. Right now all I can see is two lying cheats who deserve each other. I wouldn't dream of advising you how to "win" him as he doesn't sound like a prize to me. Get a grip and sort your self out before you make a fool of yourself (maybe too late for that). He's having sex with you so why should he leave his wife?
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