A
female
age
41-50,
*uchagem1981
writes:I just read this article about having to let go of a true soulmate; that certain brands of soulmates come in fast, passionately - like a tornado only to be the impetus behind the ultimate crash and burn. So you love someone who also loves you but you've crashed and burned. This is what has been happening to me for over the past 7 years with a man, only the crashes happened more than once; we split, I move out, and we end up reconciling because we love each other, I move in and thus the crash happens again and the cycle continues. Without droning on with the number of reasons and issues that are evident every time we break up, I've just moved out again right at the reconciliation phase; living temporarily with a friend until I can find my own place. And despite knowing that if I don't ultimately get that place, I'll not stop this cycle from happening again, I feel still that I want to be back with him and I hate this nomadic feeling of being away from my home with him. He would love for me to stay, but he is a huge part of the reason these breakups perpetuate and I couldn't find it in me to assume this time is any different or that we've truly learned anything. I too need to self reflect to find my self that I lost and recover security and clarity. I need advice on how to toughen this out so that I don't continue the cycle and promote good change and evolution. In deepest sadness, I find myself weak.Anyone have any pearls of wisdom?Thanks so much!
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male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (24 June 2017):
 I don't believe in sole-mates. This is a romantic idea to make people that are in love think there is no-one else in the world that can make us happy, when we can be happy with many different people and most often see and fall in love over and over again, not for the same things with one as another.For now you are mixed up. You know this person is bad for you. He has his good points and at the same time has some bad points. He is like a weed that needs to be put out of your life . One man’s weed can be another’s rose . What is a weed but something that grows where it is not wanted. You have not made up your mind fully if this guy is realy a weed, but you see the spots and your eyes are starting to open. You need to put as much distance between you two as you can . block him from every place you used to contact . Then just give yourself the time to get over him as it is like a death. You need time to get better and time to move on. You are the only one that knows how much time but you will not see this until it has happened as your too close to see clearly today. As an second bit of advice, if you can, try meet new people . If you can join a club of some type, get out more, fill your time you used to fill with him with new things, only good will come of it.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (24 June 2017):
 Are you sure he is your "soul mate"? If he was that TRULY, you could not bear to be away from him. You MAY have a strong connection, and you may always remember him as a special person in your life but, if you can't stay with him for long without breaking up, then I would suggest, despite your best efforts, you two are really not meant for each other. You are just hurting each other over and over again by resurrecting this relationship over and over and replaying the same mistakes and pain over and over. You have already tried to make it work and you KNOW it doesn't.
If this was a friend of yours asking for advice, what would you tell them? Treat YOURSELF as a friend and give yourself the same advice.
If your main pull back is that it is your "home" (totally understandable - most of us need this feeling of "home"), then I would suggest your top priority should be to get a place of your very own and make THAT your home. Decorate it and furnish it exactly as you want. Make it very special with everything you like so that it becomes "home" and you don't want to leave it.
Next, stop all contact with your ex. You KNOW you are weak and easily convinced to go back and put yourself through pain with him again. Give yourself the best chance possible not to keep repeating this destructive cycle. Go out with friends so you do not think about him. Find new interests and hobbies so you meet new people and make new friends.
Take it a day at a time. Promise yourself each morning "Just for today, I will not make any contact with him". If you fail, start again next day until it becomes easier. Strength is not about failing. It is about keeping trying.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 June 2017):
 Pearl #1 Pop psychology articles are a dime a dozen. If you want something that applies to your unique situation you need a qualified specialist look at your situation. Your situation is not the same as the ones the article addresses.
Pearl #2 there is no such thing as a soul mate. your recurring nightmare is certainly not a "soul Mate" because you cant stand to be with him for very long.
Pearl #3 Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.
Pearl #4 You already know the answer to your problem. You know this won't work, You know you need Change, You know you need to be Tough.
Wrap up and advice: There are plenty of people who make the same mistake over and over. Usually the cycle isn't broken without significant pain. I hope you are not suffering that now. In your situation where you keep returning to the same guy my first advice is to go No Contact. You will need to change numbers and block his. You need enough time without hearing his voice of seeing his face to get over him. My Second advice is based on your statement, "I hate this nomadic feeling of being away from my home with him" you need to learn to stand on your own. You need a year or two without a man in your life. So no Bounce back and no Rebound. This is how you get tougher. For now you just need to remember that you do have a reason for what you are doing. and if you slip up, it doesn't mean you can't do it, it means that you pick your self up and get back to your plan right where you left off.
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