A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Okay before I begin please dont judge me. I know a lot of you are going to and I dont come here to be judged I come here for advice.Okay so my boy friend and I are both the same age and we were both virgins. We both decided that we were ready and mature enough to have sex so we did. But Im afraid all my friends are gonna find out and judge me completely different. A couple of them already know and dont really think its a big deal but some of my friends I know will sort of flip out. How do I make sure they dont judge me for this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you llifton, Cindycares, and Youwish. You all gave me helpful answers and I believe I know how to deal with this now. Thank you :)
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (28 January 2013):
Mature enough to have sex? Maturity means taking full responsibility for your actions. If you get pregnant, the cost for raising a child from birth to 18 is around $250,000.
Are you "mature" enough at 16 to take that responsibility?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 January 2013):
 I see that lots of people apply the term " judgemental " to anybody having an opinion and I don't think this is correct.
People are entitled to have opinions, you can't prevent them from having opinions. You could prevent them from EXPRESSING them, but, if you are really friends, I don't see why you should. If you consider someone a friend, you assume that their opinion is not coming anyway from the will to hurt you, shame you or embarass you .
Your friends would be passing judgement if they'd say : "Oh she had sex THEREFORE she must be a bad person ,a fool or a slut unworthy of our attention and affection, let's not talk to her anymore ". ( And they would show they are not really your friends ). If they , instead, simply think that having sex at 16 is not a good idea, it is dangerous, it is too early or what not, they are just telling you their opinion, and , if you are convinced of your decisions, there's no need to be afraid or feel embarassed. You could simply say " I don't see it your way on this ; we both decided we were ready and mature enough to have sex so we did ". End of story .
The problem is, if you have to be afraid of what people would say or think, you probably aren't nearly as ready and mature as you think. Adults have the courage of their opinions, and they OWN their actions. If you have to do something , but then you have to sweat it to keep that something secret, because you can't deal with the idea that not everybody will agree with it.... you'd better off not doing that something to begin with. Wait until the moment you can be accountable for, in fact proud of , your choices and actions, and you'll have nothing to fear then.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): You can't make sure they won't judge you, two of your friends already know, so I guess its a matter of whether they and your boyfriend can be trusted not to blab your personal business around so everybody knows. What you can do to reduce the chance's of the wrong people finding out is to keep it to yourself, or only tell people you know you CAN trust...if you need to tell people/someone. Really though, its your business, what's done is done and can't be changed, and its your life at the end of the day.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013):
What is being "judged"? Are you worried that they will give you a scarlet letter? Are they going to treat you like a piece of human trash? Nobody has the right to treat you that way no matter what you do.
Do you mean that you don't want anyone to disapprove or think any differently about you because you have had sex? Sorry but other people have every right to feel however they feel.
You have the right to make your own choices. But you don't get to decide how other people should feel about them. If you are mature enough to make the choice then you will accept the consequences of it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 January 2013):
 Hold a second here. Why are you so terrified of being judged? If you don't regret having sex, then what does it matter? People live for judging other people. Some people have a kind heart, and then they judge you, they also have compassion and see the value in you. Other people judge you who are unkind, and they can't be pleased no matter what.
You can't make sure your friends don't judge you, because they will. Focus more on learning lessons from life rather than simply throw off what people say as casting judgment.
For example, whether you have sex or not is your business, but would you worry about judging a 2-year old who is about to touch a hot stove, or would you say LOOK OUT! and protect her? You need to know the difference in your own life. People telling you that you're too young for sex, or that sex with random people is risky, or make sure you use condoms isn't judging, especially if it's coming from parents or friends who care about you.
Truthfully, if you're this nervous about being judged for having sex, you may not be as mature and ready about it as you think.
People will have their opinions. Best now to grow a thick skin, listen to wisdom when you hear it, and it won't affect you. If someone says "What did you do that for? That was stupid!" just answer back kindly "I wanted to, and I don't regret it. I made the choice with my body" If they press you about it, tell them "I respect your opinion, please do me the same courtesy and open-mindedness to respect mine as well."
People will judge. React with confidence and poise, and it won't bother you as much as you think it will.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 January 2013):
You can't force your friends to not judge you or act a certain way. All you can do is figure out what you want to say to them when (if) they find out. Have something in mind ahead of time that expresses your reasons in a way that makes it clear that you've thought about it and decided that it was the right time.
Sometimes things happen that cause friends to stop being friends. It's just a part of life and you shouldn't worry about it too much as long as you're a good person and always try to do what you think is right.
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A
female
reader, Dayzy  +, writes (28 January 2013):
Your acquaintances will all find out because it's human nature to NOT keep secrets. However, if you were older you probably wouldn't care what your friends thought because you would know it has absolutely nothing to do with them. I understand that when you're young you share this kind of information with your friends, but it really isn't a group decision now, is it? Just be as sensible as you can be and perhaps speak to your family doctor if he is nice. Or perhaps you can speak to your parents. You and your boyfriend have ventured into an experience that as you know can have repercussions for your health and emotional well being. Breaking up can be devastating, and a lot worse when you have been intimate. So just be careful, and I suggest talk less to your friends about your sexual experiences.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 January 2013):
 you're at a tough age. it's an age where you really can't tell how your friends will respond to this type of stuff. it's amazing the difference just a couple of years will make when it comes to these types of things. when you turn 18, suddenly you'll stop having to worry about this anymore, and all your friends will be talking about their sex lives.Just be safe about it. but unfortunately, you're right. girls can be harsh. there's really no sure way to make your friends not judge you. if they're immature, they just will, no matter what you say. there's not much you can do about it. just let them know that you know you and your boyfriend both are ready and it wasn't a decision you regret at all. and if they make you feel bad about it, just grow a thick skin and know that you're happy. and that's all that matters. good luck.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (28 January 2013):
 Don't tell them??!! If some people know can you ask them to keep it quiet?It's a private thing between two people and doesn't need to be school gossip.
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