A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys,Thanks in advance for taking the time to read my post.Basically, my GF of almost one year has told me that she feels more like my best friend than girlfriend. I really need help in fixing things as I care about her a great deal and would be gutted to lose her over something like this.She has told me under no certain terms that she’s falling extremely hard for me but on the other hand holding back a little because she doesn’t want to get hurt. By nature I am not very in touch with my sensitive side. We regularly go out and do things together. I’ve included her in many plans that involve my friends and family and are listed in a relationship on social media so I’m not hiding her or anything along those lines before it’s suggested. The main downside for me is I find it hard to show through my actions how I feel. I have been this way for my whole life and I even struggle with my family in regards to this, not just my GF.I’d appreciate any advice in how I can make her feel special and valued, it feels embarrassing to even have to ask a question like this. But I’m getting desperate here, she has brought this up a few times now and can feel her getting to the end of her tether.Thankyou.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys.
I have received some great advice here and I appreciate every single one of you taking the time out to help me. I have read them all and will take them into consideration moving forwards. I have a lot to go off here.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 June 2018):
 Google The Five Languages of Love, maybe you and your girlfriend speak different languages, there is a fun quiz that you could each do that will enlighten the other as to where they are coming from.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2018): Being with a man who does 'everything ' for you is one thing . I'm with such a man but I feel just like your partner and have told him . For me it's all about words . I don't care if he takes away all the gifts and holidays and making me coffe or filling my car with gas . I need need need to head the romance , hear the words . That's my romance . That's what does it for me and without that any relationship feels dead
A man without a penny could wisk me away with words if he knows how to connect with me on that level
How expressive are you verbally , so you tell her how you feel and how you see her ?
Is this what she means ?
Maybe ask her that
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2018): Post script:
Being tender is not being clingy. Showing affection is what you have a girlfriend for. If you can't figure-out the difference, you're in bad shape. She doesn't necessarily mean she needs you to fawn all over her and act sappy. She needs to feel connected. You're getting a lot of answers. Some might be missing the point slightly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2018): What your girlfriend is asking for; is for you to be romantic and spontaneously-affectionate. Show some softness towards her, to make her feel like a woman. Not just a friend!
Women often imagine you as a husband and a father. They want to see traits in you that show you can be playful, gentle, and let your guard down for them. She imagines how you would hold the new baby she birthed for you. Yes, they think well into the future; and it's how they determine how much of themselves they should give to you. It's also your final evaluation, before they decide to breakup with you.
Walk-up behind her and wrap your arms around her waist and just hold her. Dance with her alone, just the two of you. Hold her and sway to a soft love-song. Kiss her behind the neck. When she walks into a room, call her over for a kiss. She needs spontaneous affection. She expects kisses when you're making love. She expects foreplay and stroking. Play with her hair. Look deep into her eyes. If you see a pretty item you think she would like; something small she can keep as a keepsake, nothing expensive, just get it for her.
Let her feel your strength, lift her into your arms; and carry her to the bed. Tease her and hold her close to you.
Tease her and chase her around like the boogeyman!
It won't be mechanical if you practice these things here and there; until they become natural and fun. You'll love the responses you will get from her. The sex will be dynamite.
Hold her hand when you walk together. When you're sitting on the couch together watching a movie or TV, place your head in her lap. This shows your lover and partner your vulnerability, and your trust. Stroke her shoulders and her back, this lowers tension; and lets her sense your masculinity. You have to make your partner feel closeness and warmth. If you're standoffish, it's like she's your sister! Not your lover!
Do these things totally out of the blue. She will be surprised, and it would add to the spontaneity. She will wonder what's gotten into you? That's what she means she wants!
Practice being more affectionate. It's not awkward if you love her as much as you claim you do. If you don't pull her close, she will grow more distant. She will give-up on you. She has to feel your magnetism drawing her in; and she will in-turn offer her heart to you fully. She's holding back, because you are.
You are afraid of a full and meaningful commitment. You are afraid of showing affection, and seeming vulnerable. You have a shield up; because you see sensitivity as effeminate. You are always too busy trying to prove your masculinity; and how much of a macho tough-guy you are. Mr. Machismo. Your dad isn't around to correct you, or call you sissy boy. You can show your woman your tender-side. She wants a man who shows his gentleness to no one but her.
At a concert, grab her hand and hold her fingers between yours. Grip gently every few seconds. Every-time the music gets louder, pull her closer. Listen to her heartbeat, when she sleeps. Compliment her hair and how good she smells.
She wants to feel she has the power to bring out the best in you. It's what women are designed to do. It's what femininity is designed to do. They were created the way they are for a lot of reasons, my friend.
I can only say this. If you don't make your woman feel romance and affection; she will get bored and tire of you. She will leave you to find someone better. Someone who doesn't have to struggle to make her feel like a woman. To make her sense her femininity through tenderness. She doesn't need you to show you're a man by being "butch!" She needs you to show her romantic-love to let her know she can bring out the tenderness beneath your tough exterior; and that she holds the key to your vulnerabilities. Then she can let her love flow freely; because she knows you would stand by here through thick and thin. She will never fully trust you until you do.
If she doesn't fully trust you; she can't fully love you either. Not sleeping with other women isn't the only way you earn trust. You have to show tenderness and vulnerability. If you can't, you don't deserve her. She'll be the first to decide that!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2018): I’d suggest making more physical contact with her. For example, if you’re on the sofa together, give her a hug, or a foot or shoulder rub. If you pass her in the hallway, grab her and give her a kiss occasionally. If you’re walking down the street, then initiate holding her hand or put your arm round her shoulders for a little bit. If you’re going for a day out together and she’s made an effort to dress up, then tell her she looks good. When you’re not with her, send her a couple of texts throughout the day.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 June 2018):
 I think she is used to insecure guys and you sound like a level headed person. A clingy boyfriend is easier to control, and is less likely to leave her. A normal boyfriend makes it unpredictable and creates insecurity in her mind. Honestly I don't think there's anything you need to change. She is falling for you and that's the exact position you want to be in. If she leaves because she is scared of being hurt then it's her loss. What she is dealing with is the uncertainty. Life does not come with guarantees. You can not say you will never leave her in your lifetime, after dating for one month. You don't want to do anything against your nature, like turning into a sap when you are just content the way things are. The downsides of making her feel secure may turn off the attraction she has for you at the first place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will be honest, I did have that perception of her before I got to know her. She has told me that she has never met anyone like me before in the respect that she said it’s hard to read me. I know that she has had BFs in the past that have done a lot of chasing for her and I’m not the type to do that, so I think she isn’t used to it at all. She has mentioned a few times that she doesn’t know where she stands with me because of my lack of emotion.
I will use your idea of asking that she tells me whenever a situation arises that makes her question the relationship and see where I get with that. Thanks again for the advice.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 June 2018):
 She's being a little unfair on you here. If she can't explain what she wants, then how can she expect you to DO what she wants? You are bending over backwards to try to accommodate her needs, yet she is still not happy.
You already sound like you are doing a lot of little things to show her how much she means to you. Have you considered that, just maybe, she is just very high maintenance? Considering she doesn't know herself what she wants, but is not happy with what she has, she may just be one of those people who is NEVER happy with what she has, always looking for something more. In which case, you will drive yourself crazy trying to make her happy yet still not succeed.
In your shoes I would say to her "Listen, I do my best to show you I care for you. I treat you all the time. I am as tactile with you as I can comfortably manage. You KNOW I care for you. I am at a loss what to do you make you happy. If YOU can't explain to me what you need, then how can I be expect to know?"
Perhaps next time there is an instance of her feeling unloved and "not in a relationship", she can draw it to your attention? Her feelings are, I assume, based on such instances. It might be easier for her to do that, for her to say "This is the sort of thing which makes me feel like I am not in a relationship with you".
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello youcannotbeserious, thankyou for your advice.
I did ask her straight up ‘what do I need to be doing?’ And she said ‘I can’t explain it, I don’t know how to describe it along with ‘I just don’t feel like I’m actually in a relationship sometimes‘ and ‘I don’t want to be full on without it being reciprocated’.
I am a very laid back kind of guy. I don’t tend to let many things phase me which I suppose could be my undoing here. She has mentioned that she’s a very touchy feely kind of person. She loves hugging and kissing and the sensitive kind of things, which I do do. Although it mustn’t be to the level that she requires.
I do think I’m doing a lot to keep her entertained. I usually book quite obscure, last minute plans. For example last week we went to an indoor waterpark, we have attended a few music festivals together, we went to Poland earlier in the year, I bought her flowers and took her for drinks on Valentine’s Day and I have paid to take her to Amsterdam for her birthday and she has told me that she loves all the activities that we do together. Therefore I’m assuming that it’s only the sensitive side that she wants to improve.
Therefore how does someone who’s pretty cold change their ways? I want to be able to give her what she wants without coming across as awkward or forced.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 June 2018):
Has she given you specific pointers on what SHE needs? Everyone is different and, while one lady might be more than happy with what you have given, this particular lady is obviously looking for more.
I have always believed it is pointless saying vague things like "you don't make me feel special" or "I feel more like your friend than your girlfriend". That is just negative and gives you no clue as to what she needs to feel happier.
ASK HER what she needs to feel more special. Don't let her give you a general reply. Press her for specifics. If SHE was writing in, saying "my boyfriend doesn't make me feel special", I would be saying the same thing to her: TELL HIM what you need to make you happier.
Just to give you a general example, I have lived with my partner for many years. I got fed up of him just leaving all the housework to me, regardless of what other commitments I had or how little time I had to do housework. Despite many comments on this, nothing changed. He did not UNDERSTAND what I needed him to do. So I gave him a list: 1. If the kitchen bin is full, don't just cram the rubbish down harder, take it out the the bin. 2. Put a fresh bin liner in the kitchen bin. 3. If the dishwasher is full, switch it on. 4. If the dishwasher has finished its cycle, empty it. You get the idea? Not a general, "I need you to help more in the house" but SPECIFICS.
If there is something on her list which makes you feel uncomfortable, tell her "I have never done this before but, for you, I will try. If I don't get it right, please understand it is strange to me, tell me and I will try to do it to please you".
It may be that she has to compromise and accept there are certain things you will never be comfortable with. On the other hand, maybe you will find yourself getting more comfortable with them once you have tried a few times.
Good luck. You sound like a caring guy. I hope things work out for you.
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A
male
reader, Roboaxe  +, writes (24 June 2018):
 So many ways to make her feel loved and special. But remember that every girl is different and she may not like certain things. But as far as romance goes I'd suggest to text often, call more often, see her at least twice a week, hold her hand, kiss her all the time, tell her how she makes you feel, hold her close, hold her hand,etc. I hope sex is on the table as that is extremely important in establishing intimacy and being the boyfriend as opposed to the best friend. Buy her a gift that only you could think of, not chocolates or flowers. Don't do all of this at once as it may seem weird and try hard however. Best of luck man!
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