A
male
age
30-35,
*acticalTodger
writes:My ex (fiance) and I broke up after 14 months of dating, due to differences that she was over in the uk to study and ended up moving in with me for those 14 months. But then out of nowhere she wants to move back to WI, USA because that's where her family is from. Now I'm 22 and she's 27 age was never an issue, well I said I didn't want to move to the USA right now as I need to keep working so we can have enough money to support ourself (Bare in mind i'd be an immigrant to the USA and would have a major issue getting a job from what I've seen) So I wanted to go on holiday there just for a trial run and I loved every moment I was there. So when we got back everything was fine but then she consistently saying she wants to move, which in the end caused an arguement and she went off and we were on a break while she stayed at my female cousins. THEN out of nowhere I get a message from my COUSIN saying that she left for America without a goodbye to me, now myself being bipolar this was hard and I took the dumb approach of sending around a picture of her (her butt) to a few people in which she found out, where she completely flipped, I completely understand the mistake I made but she still even now holds the grudge. I've tried to make up for it there is no way I can find of (she blocked me on facebook, ignores letters, xbox, etc, hell I even took another holiday there to try and work things out nothing, she ignored the door. Now she knows the kinda person I am I understand I will never date her again but that's not what I want I just need her friendship she's been a major part of my life and I even know still think of her and still try to make it right just what is the approach to this? See I've had my sister spoke to her but she said she couldn't handle talking to me as she said what I did with the picture of her was personal and that she felt so betrayed and that she wanted to take her own life because of me. And honestly I've felt the same way over her and I don't want her hating me I just want to make it right, now hearing from my sister that she doesn't want to be hurt/betrayed by me makes me think does she deep down hate me or does she still care? I mean we had plans to settle down and it seems a bit much for us to completely be out of each others life because of my one mistake, she knows my medical history too and was glad to hear that I was going to the hospital to get my chest sorted. Now I understand the question isn't so clear so I'll just say what they are now I've given the background of it.Does she really hate me? How do I make her my friend again or is that completely out of the question? Finally how the hell do I move on as I have no clue, I've always been once I love somebody I CANNOT have feelings for anybody else and this puts me in a major I'm going to be alone state as I have major self esteem issues and well she was really hot and I'm not all that hot as i've been told.
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male
reader, TacticalTodger +, writes (18 June 2013):
TacticalTodger is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Wise I do fully take the blame and I'm fully aware of how she's hurt and how I shouldn't of took that approach. I know she is a victim of something which I hope will never happen to her again, I understand I did it out of pure rage seeing as it was valentine's day and she wasn't by my side, I understand that pictures of her may be floating around the internet with not knowing who is looking at it. All I can hope is in a few years down the line she's ok with me but that leaves her to contact me which she won't and if I tried to contact her 3 years down the line lets say what's not to say I can't find her? I know time heals all wounds and what I did was a childish act and I hope someway down the line she will forgive me. And I'd just like to know she knows my emotional levels CAN be a factor to a point where I'd blow off steam by taking the anger out of myself (once again another point of worry for her) I understand not everybody knows the full story as I've only stated mine. So thanks for the replies.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): Leaving you without notifying you of her departure was wrong. It was a major disappointment in your life for sure.Are we supposed to measure who hurt whom the worse here?Your pain and disappointment are justified; but you're not a victim of any crime. Your embarrassment is contained. Her's was spread to be observed by the masses. We have to offer her benefit of the doubt; because she is aware of your bipolar condition, and knows your behavior under duress. She feared the unknown. Many people placed in her position, may have chosen the wrong way to handle the situation. Who really knows the better way of handling this under the circumstances? How would anyone know how you would take it?She didn't allow you the closure. She chose the cowardly and easy way out. She was avoiding the full emotional event that could have unfolded; had she rejected you to your face. "Goodbye" wouldn't have given you any closure. Maybe she anticipated that declining your offer of marriage might have created a rage she wasn't prepared to handle. If you lost it for her leaving you without notification; how was turning you down for marriage going to be more pleasant?You do know what to do now, you just aren't emotionally ready to do it. You must start accepting things as they are; and allow yourself to heal from the pain and grief of your loss; where she's concerned. You should discontinue any further contact. Leave her alone to recover. Don't reintroduce or prolong her suffering by communicating with her.Her naked image has been exposed for the world to see. She was rendered powerless and exposed by a man who lost his temper. Sorry, I don't care about the reasoning behind it.There is no excuse for cruelty. Your intent at the time was to shame her. Regret comes only after the deed.She had more to go on than what is written in your post. She must have experienced several incidents involving your temper at other times in your relationship. Which may be more related to your bipolar condition. If not anger-management issues in general. We may never know the full history behind your story. This issue can't possibly be the only time you've lost it.We do know that she is a woman, and you are a man. She can't match your physical strength and she must have feared your anger. I am sure she has laid witness to your temper in other situations; and leaving without word may have been the result of your past behavior. We only have your side of the story to go on. Not the full history.Leaving without word was probably her escape. Only you two know the truth.Your reaction was definitely rage. That justifies her fear.Your long letters of apology may be accepted over time.She has to get over the shock first. She may require profession help; if it truly brought her to the brink of considering suicide. This may have only been a dramatization for your benefit. Who knows? However; that would be stretching it.The image of her naked body will circulate for a long time to come on the internet; and it will have a lasting effect. You literally stripped her of her dignity. Now face it.Her forgiveness may never come or may come over time. So until then; you can start by forgiving yourself. Hopefully your conscience has forced you to realize the impact of your action. Doing yourself harm serves no purpose. Seek help, if such an impulse returns.Your guilt and sorrow only buys partial pertinencefor the harm done. You have expressed a strong sense of remorse. That accounts for something.Love will come to you again. You will find redemption; because we all make mistakes. This will all pass. Breakups suck. We all act outside of our usual character when it happens.We all sympathize with your hurt feelings; but it is she who suffers from your wrongful deed, and deserves more empathy. She isn't pretending to be a victim; she IS a victim. She is a victim of a cruel and senseless act of rage. In this case, she is defenseless. All she can do about it, is live it down. Never knowing who will recognize her.To not own the wrongness of the action perpetrated; is to minimize and excuse the wrongful deed. You've confessed what you've done; yet you offer excuses to justify an action done out of rage. In a sense, that is saying she deserved it. Your bi-polar condition didn't render you unable to execute the action; which required premeditation and some knowledge of the affect it could have. When you admit to yourself, she is truly a victim; you will begin your atonement. Disappointment and shame effects our minds differently. Shame runs much deeper. That was your chosen weapon.You served it in retaliation; did you not? Admit to yourself that there was no justification for doing her any harm, and you can begin to forgive yourself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 June 2013):
 OP, - please disregard my answer which obviously has nothing to do with your question and it was in fact meant for a totally different poster. I don't know if it was a glitch of the system , ( I could have sworn I posted under the right thread ) or if.... maybe I am getting senile :), or it's the weather ( very warm here today ). Anyway, my apologies .
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A
male
reader, TacticalTodger +, writes (17 June 2013):
TacticalTodger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies ladies and gents.Firstly I've wrote multiple long letters all of which were long winded but got the point across of why I did it and what not,like anybody I've of gone insane in the mind if somebody you planned on marrying just left out of nowhere, I've tried to do the wrong to the right like I said I don't expect her to drop everything she's doing right now and come back into my arms I know that's not an option I simply just want friendship. As for me being the bipolar as an excuse I've never used it as an excuse sure I may not take my medication sometimes (by not remembering to) as I sleep through the alarm that's when my emotions are high and yes I also shouldn't of been drunk that night also when I shared the picture, I know what I've done I'm not saying I wasn't in control but I was and I honestly thought drinking was a lot viable solution than doing something to harm myself. I fully understand that I broke the trust we had and ever will have I never expect us to be as close as we were. I've asked for closure through letters too with no response I've tried contacting her mum/sister too needless to say I accept the hate she has towards me as I was in the wrong, but I feel as if a lot of people seem to side with her, even though as somebody mentioned I wouldn't of sent the picture around if she'd of said goodbye at least, sorry but not knowing that your fiance is leaving the country as she refused to tell me is awful and I would hate for anybody else to go through it. Now for the advice people have given me it seems I should just give up and hope she'll eventually come around and it seems to be the females seem to think it's both of our fault (which is what I see it as) While a lot of males say I broke the trust and I'm fully in the wrong. And as for not confronting me because I'd of done something, I'd of happily accepted the closure than to be left unknowing why she did it all of a sudden, etc...Needless to say I'm stuck on what to do now.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 June 2013):
I think it is a reasonable assumption to say that "he used some bad language " is an euphemism for " he made a gross drunken spectacke of himself, pissed off and offended everybody and spoiled everybody's fun ". Of course I do not condone your father's friends for trying to bash his head in,- asking him to leave and showing him the door would have been enough- but neither I blame your father for not wanting to see a remake of this embarassing experience.
I am also a bit concerned about your take on Bipolar, do you think that this entitle him to do anything at all he wants ? ..It does not, and it should not, since Bipolar is not a synonim for stark raving out-of-control insane. Actuallly, if he is Bipolar ( with severe impulse control problems, apparently) , he should be on medications, - and if he is on medications he should not drink, period.
Too easy to say, Hey I am Bipolar , anything goes .
I think it is understandable- and fair- that your father wants to be spared the possibility of any further scenes in front of his family and friends, and wants to keep his distance from your bf.
If you two do eventually end up married and with children, I guess your father will have at some point to relent and accept the unavoidable. But by that time hopefully your fiance' will have learned, for his own sake, to take better care of his mental health- and to stop drinking himself to unconsciousness.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 June 2013):
 sharing a picture like that was pretty bad, no doubt. but let me just say .. packing up and leaving for another continent without telling your fiance kinda trumps all else. that's awful!
i'm not condoning your response because doing that is never okay. but wow. i would be devistated if i were you. i think you should give yourself a break. stop beating yourself up over this. anyone in their right mind would feel crazy after something like that. you were just really crushed and acted out of raw emotions and being really hurt. sounds like she's playing the complete victim in this situation and not taking any responsibility for the role she played in this. thing is, you'd have never even thought of doing that had she not hurt you so bad in the first place (again, never condoning what you did).
you should write her a letter or email and express all the final things you want to say to her. get your closure. let her know how she hurt you and how sorry you are for your PART in what happened between the two of you (cause you both played a big part). let her know that you wish to some day learn to be friends again because she was very important in your life. then leave it at that. there's nothing else you can do.
best of luck. and remember: don't beat yourself up. forgive yourself and move forward. everyone makes mistakes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): You did a vile and vicious thing by posting her butt over the internet. Now to appease your selfishness; she's supposed to just forget about what you did, and just forgive you and pretend it never happened.Do you not realize the damage you've done; or do you just feel that what you want, is more important than her feelings and right to privacy?What did she do to intentionally hurt you; or to make you be so mean? She went home after telling you, that is what she wanted to do eventually. She didn't trust you to handle it well. She rightfully avoided your potentially dangerous reaction.She was correct, wasn't she?She told you from the start she was returning home to the USA, and once her student visa was up, she had no choice anyway. She changed her mind and decided not to marry you.It was hurtful for the both of you, I'm sure. However; it was a wise decision. Evidently!!!Don't use your bipolar condition as an excuse; or you may give her an even more concrete reason to avoid you. If that is what you are capable of doing when angered; she is better off choosing to avoid you. If you continue to bother her, she will have to seek help from legal authorities. You don't need that.The best advice anyone can give you; is to get over her, and get on with your life.What you did to her is incomprehensible and very cruel.She may not be safe around you; and she may provoke the worse in you, when you are unhappy with her. She has to protect herself; because you are capable of doing her great harm. You even admitted you may harm yourself. That is far from healthy thinking, for either of you.I'm sorry it didn't work out. Please leave her alone; and try to get some help if you can't move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): You did a bad thing, it was an extreme measure- but then again we all do really crazy things because of our feelings- and bipolar is pretty extreme from what I know. Don't beat yourself up- but then again remember it IS very extreme what you did and she may decide it's inexcusable. I think I would sorry... You may have flipped, and clearly wasn't in a stable state of mind, but a lot of girls wouldn't be able to get past the violation of trust... My advice would be to write her a long letter, apologising, depicting every feeling that made you do it- speak completely from the heart, don't worry about length or sounding like a sap, just emphasise how hurt you were at her not saying goodbye and exactly what you were feeling when you did it, and that you're earnestly so sorry for the violation of trust. Other than this what can you do? You need to write this letter, make sure she receives it- follow up, wait a few weeks at least. If she says she can't be friends, don't freak- she may just need time.At least make sure you get this closure, cos you will need the knowledge that you've done all you could to move on. In the meantime, check your medication, your condition - maybe it needs to be altered, at the doctors and just try and get on with whatever you can in life, hard as it is. I sincerely wish you luck! X :)
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