A
female
age
30-35,
*ourcesgal
writes:Firstly apologies for what will appear to be a long and confusing story. I am 20 years old, my boyfriend is 22 and we met at university, we live apart as I am still there and he has graduated and works full time. We’ve been together for 14 months. Next year I have to go abroad but a large lie he told is always at the back of my mind and I’m worried it will affect my ability to trust him.In the summer of 2008 before we got together he slept with a woman who was on holiday in his town for a yearly carnival event. As this was before we were together it was of no interest to me.Throughout our first few months together he would talk about the carnival week as being amazing, and his female friends said I should come as I’d enjoy it. Yet when I asked what he thought he said he would prefer if I didn’t as it would be just him and the ‘lads’ and I’d be left out.Well carnival week came and went without a hitch until 3 weeks after when pictures appeared on a social networking site. The women he had slept with a year previous and her friend had come back for three days of the week.I confronted him and he told me he had lied about who he was with. Instead of being just the lads they’d hung out with these women, there were pictures of him and his friends in their hotel room with my boyfriend on the bed, he told me he’d lied to protect my feelings as I’d be upset that they were there and I wasn’t, he told me nothing had happened even though said woman told him she still had feelings for him he had knocked her back.I believe him and still do, as my boyfriend’s female best friend had seen them out and said my boyfriend did not look happy about being them being there.I was devastated by his lies of course but forgave him although it was hard to trust him again. I gave the matter no more thought and assumed that would be the end of it.Every New Year we celebrate in my boyfriends’ home town at his friends’ house then head out into the town where everyone dresses up. The night before New Years Eve my boyfriend turned to me and told me he had to tell me something I would be unhappy about. This same woman and her friend had come down to go out with us and he’d known for a week.To be honest I just started crying I really didn’t want to see her as I feared I’d get upset but I went to be the better person. The whole night was a disaster, I tried to ignore her but kept getting dirty looks and before we headed into town she told her friend whilst I was stood in the same room that she’d only come down as she’s in love with my boyfriend and thought I was no competition.We’ve started the New Year afresh and my boyfriend has promised no more lies. But if I bring up how hurt I was he simply replies ‘when are you going to forget about it and stop going on’. I just want to know whether you think I’m being irrational in letting it affect me or whether you’d be as hurt as me. And how should I breach the subject with my boyfriend without starting an argument?
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female
reader, Chantelle x +, writes (20 February 2010):
 I think when bringing this up it will be a touchy subject. If i was in the same situation then i would be as hurt as you especially as you have had to keep rebuilding the trust just to have it crushed even more.
If i was you, i would just tell him what you are feeling out straight, this way it gets everything out in the open and a decision can be made about how you deal with it.
I hope this is a little help.
Good luck. xx
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