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female
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anonymous
writes: Have been with my partner a year. He has an 8 year daughter and a 4 year old son. I met them after we had been together 6 months and it has been going great. The kids took to me really well and me to them but recently Ive noticed the little boy sometimes being a bit funny with me. It all came to a head yesterday with the boy being very rude to me and because I got upset I decided to leave so as not to be that way around the kids. My partner called me back but seemed adamant in telling me how I overreacted, he didnt know where all the trouble came from and I was way too sensitive. He said I needed to make allowances for his son as he was just a kid. I apologised for not being very adult about it and admitted I was wrong in walking out but wanted him to understand how important it is for me and his children to get on as I know that if we don't, that will probably be the end of me and my boyfriend. He doesnt seem able to put himself in my shoes though and just thinks im making mountains out of molehills and that the whole blow up was my fault. Anyway when we woke up this morning, as soon as his son saw me, he stopped in his tracks and just stared at me for ages. Eventually we got him talking but im worried that this is now the beginning of the end. My boyfriend says his son is tired and just going through that age when he gets stroppy (I know he does it with his dad and his mum) but how do I deal with it? I really want this to work with my boyfriend and for the children to enjoy being with me like they have so far but im now worried thats never going to happen and I'll just end up getting hurt when he finishes with me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2006): I can only tell you that from my personal experience your situation sounds very familiar. In my situation I was the one with the kids. My children were 4 and 5. My husband and my younger daughter did not get along. I oftened witnessed my husband get to the level of my daughter's age. I can tell you this is a big mistake. Children act according to their age, so when an adult stoops to their age level, I can assure you it will not be a good result. This would be like 2 children fighting over a toy and having to have an adult intervene to stop the fight. So when the 4 year old is fighting with the 30 year old (in my situation) I would have to be the one to intervene. This causing problems for me and my husband. Often, it would be an issue for me because I could not understand why he would stoop to my child's age level. Unfortunately, my marriage ended in divorce for this and other reasons. You can't expect the boyfriend to choose you over the child because afterall, that is his child and can't make that child leave. By accepting your boyfriend you will need to find a way to accept his children and I would suggest taking a parenting class. This will give you an insight on how kids handle this. Remember, the child didn't make the decision to add you to their family and kids go through their own changes. As the adult, talk to your boyfriend and seek the parenting class and maybe even family counseling. It would be a great start before things get out of hand.
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (23 June 2006):
 Sorry to say this but being a mum of a 5 year old girl it is easy to see that your boyfriend's son is just literally being a typical 4 year old.
You said you used to get on so he was about 3 and a half at that time, when all children seem to reach 4 or above they go through the really horrible stage it seems, forget the terrible 2's I had the ferocious 3's and even when my daughter turned 4 she was OKish but when she started school all hell let loose as the more they seem to mix with other outside influences they can be total hell for a while.
You are going to have to dig in on this one and yes you could well have overreacted as children at that age are still not in control of their emotions and they look to us as adults to guide them. The one thing you have to keep telling yourself is that it is not personal OK. Repeat it to yourself constantly not personal.
He probably stared at you weirdly in the morning as he thought you were just going to stomp off again and he got the reaction from you previously so he now knows how to get you to react which is only going to work to his advantage if you repeat this behaviour.
I think the best thing you can do is start doing things with the 8 year old when you are around the 4 year old and he will want to join in and also make things fun, kids love grown ups who actually take an interest in what they are doing or just being silly with them and playing with them. A good tickling session with the tickle monster works as well, just daft games.
What sort of things does his son enjoy doing?
Get him active, be mindful that when they are seeing their dad they need to be motivated. If money is tight then a simple picnic in the park with a ball or frisbie or a trip to the seaside is nice and making sandcastles in the sand is fun.
Going for a walk and looking for things on the way or getting some painting things and doing painting in the garden or just playing games or colouring or playing with little cars with him or role playing.
There is so much you can do with this little boy and the 8 year old as well as she must be feeling it too as she will probably feel left out if you walk out when things get tough.
At the end of the day it all depends on how much you love your boyfriend and the fact that you have been with him for a year means that what he has said does say that he feels you did take things out of proportion.
All I am saying is that if you care enough you will want to try and make things work and that can only come from you and also you putting more into the time when the kids are around. You will see the rewards believe me. Does your boyfriend use the naughty step method and low tone warnings first? It does work and having a reward chart and small prizes/treats is a great incentive, not huge couple of quid or something.
I do 3 smiley faces on a sheet of paper and then one star and do this 3 times to get a prize/treat and my daughter loves it but she also knows the naughty step as well, 1 min for each year of her life so she knows it is 5 mins every time and I tell her I will come back when the time is up. A kiss and hug and always a sorry first and then it is forgotten so never bring it up after the punishment is done.
Consistency is the key here and your boyfriend and you need to be agreed on the course of action when his children are with you. It is not a case of constant discipline but there needs to be some rules here as the kids will run riot if they can get away with murder and so a unified front is the best way forward.
I wish you all the luck in the world but don't beat yourself up about this either. It happens even when the children are your own believe me. We are all human and kids don't come with a book of instructions so we learn on the job so to speak.
Let me know if there is any progress in the future eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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