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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm not sure if anyone here has experienced this situation but I figured it couldn't hurt to ask...I'm 22, my boyfriend of five years is 23. I found out last year that he has a panty fetish. I found two pairs which triggered a huge "Oh my gawd your cheatin on me!" fight. At first he denied even having the panties, then admitted that he's had to have panties to be able to masturbate since he was a child. I've found numerous pairs since then. Please don't think I'm a crazy girl digging through my boyfriends things, I really have found every pair on accident, while cleaning, doing laundry, moving, etc. He never told me what he does with them, how many he has or how long he's been doing it since we've been together. He also told me he went out and purchased the pairs I found, which I don't beleive. Now this is not really my problem... I have come to terms with the fact that this is something I have to deal with in order to stay happy in our relationship.What my problem IS is that he has refused to talk to me about this ever since the night I found out. I am not trying to make him feel bad, he thinks there is something wrong with him and is deeply embaressed, I just want to understand. I've even considered buying him his own panties so I won't have to keep finding random ones around the house, I've taken him to lingerie stores to have him pick out ones for me to wear and then give to him. I really feel that for our relationship to continue being wonderful this is something we need to discuss.He has never cheated on me and never will. I think that the panties keep him from cheating on me, actually. He's not gay either. I just need advice on how to make him understand that I want to help him with this. I really see no reason why this can't be something to embrace rather than hide. Maybe I don't understand, having no real fetish myself other than my boyfriend, but it seems like he should be glad I'm trying to understand instead of just telling him he has to stop. The way I see it the panties were there befor me and if I want to throw a fit about it, they'll be there after me, too. Our sex life has gone downhill since this discovery (another thing he won't talk about). It feels like he's so upset about his fetish being known that he's avoiding being intimate with me at all. I really love this guy but I need him to talk to me and I need to have a normal sex life again. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can get him to open up to me about this? I've found nothing upon researching this other than 1. porn 2. generic Freud-isms and 3. advice columns saying the fetishist is a worthless partner and to get out while you can. Is there anyone with a positive view on this? It seems like fetishes are so wide spread there has to be someone out there in a similar situation who can help me. Sorry this was such a long, rambling post. I just wanted to give as much background info as possible. Thank you in advance for any replies!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): Hi there.I myself am a panty fetishist and have sold my panties online through my own website since 2005. In this time I have met some of the most amazing people, both men and women, and I think you should take some comfort in the fact there are a lot of panty fetishists out there. It is VERY common. My gents are educated, respectful wonderful people that I'm honoured to know.I think you are approaching the subject in a fabulous way, many women really don't get the fetish and see it as a threat or something dirty. In reality it really isn't. I know a few places full of real people completely away from the seedy porny world that I can put you in touch with if you require any help or just a normal ear to listen. I'm not sure the regulations on posting links so if you reply I can give you my email addy and you can chat to me, a real person.So many guys have been conditioned to never say a word about their fetish that anyone finding out is just a nightmare. Good on you for being supportive though. It's a great fetish to share by the way so you'll benefit by the mountain when he finally opens up and shares it with you! There's nothing like being worshiped by a panty fetishist :) He's a lucky lucky man to have you.I'd be honoured to point you in a helpful direction, just shout :)xxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies. I was starting to think I was strange for responding the way I have to this instead of flipping out and leaving him. I have tried befor on two occasions to explain to him that what he's doing is normal but he says he doesn't believe me, that he knows it's weird and then won't talk about it further. I'm not sure why he thinks it's soo bad. I would ask if anyone knows of a website or book thats pro fetish maybe stating statistics of people that have a fetish, but I'm worried he might take it the wrong way. It almost seems like he thinks I'm making fun of him even when I'm trying to be as serious as I can. I won't get to discuss this with him for a few months as he's out of town helping a sick relative and I don't really feel it's a conversation to have over the phone but as soon as I can talk to him I'll try to update. Thanks again for the advice and encouragement. To the guy who's trying to tell his boyfriend about his own fetish, I really hope that when you decide to tell him everything goes well. If he really loves you he'll realize that he'll love you no matter what turns you on. I truly hope it all works out for you. The fact that you want to tell him instead of hiding it from him is also a sign that he'd be crazy not to try to accept it and hopefully help you with it if possible. Good luck and thanks to all of you, again!!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2006): My situation is similar but different to your boyfriend's. I have a wierd and complex fetish, and it is something I am struggling to tell to my recent boyfriend. Anyway, in response to your concern regarding his reticence about discussing the issue more openly, even in light of your (truly wonderful) understanding and caring response. I can only suggest that if he has had similar personal experiences to me, he has kept his feelings so private and secret for so long that sharing them is immensely difficult, even to those he trusts intimately. I just want to say that his ongoing secrecy will probably soften, but that after maybe 10 years of hiding and worrying over his very painful emotions, it is extremely hard to open up. I know that I’m slowly getting better though, slowly gaining more confidence and self-acceptance, and I hope that your boyfriend does also. With the support that you seem to be giving, I can't imagine him not opening up sooner or later. My very best wishes to you both, and thanks for your post.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): Hi I am glad to read your question as I think people should be open about this type of thing. It is not dirty at all it is a thing that stays with people from being a child like part of their sexual developement. I have no idea what the influences are but I think it may be connected with some kind of low confidence thing as well as all the sexual feelings that can be quite confusing when going through puberty. There is definitely no connection with anything strange though, even if some narrow minded people do not understand it. It is for this reason that someone may be reluctant to discuss it. It would be difficult I think for some people to even want to try to begin to understand this type of thing as it is one of the worlds typically shunned subjects.
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A
male
reader, David Lewis  +, writes (6 September 2006):
 I think it is more common than is thought, many people have fetishes, yet would prefer to keep them under wraps.
I think you are wonderful for being so understanding about it all. He may feel dirty because of his fetish, which may be why he is unwilling to talk about it.
Maybe you should try to explain that it is quite normal and are willing to become involved. You can see he is sexually excited by this and would like to become part of it because you love him so much.
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