A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I pushed my partner of almost three years away. I have anxiety issues due to the phobia Emetophobia which is basically I am petrified of being sick and others being sick. I went through a bad patch last year and I couldn't be without him. I was terrified to be left alone and he was all I had. I stopped him going out begging him not to go to work if I had bad panic attack or to go out with friends or even his family at Christmas but at the time I was blinded by fear it had taken over me and I wasn't aware of what I was doing till I pulled out of the anxious depressed state. I also am insecure and have been terrified to lose him due to being brought up in an abusive home and feeling let down all of the time and like I don't deserve love. I love him and I hurt him. After 2 years about a few months ago he hurt me physically and emotionally. He tried to walk away out of the house when he got angry but I'd hold onto him begging him not to go as I was too scared to be without him which would result in my being hurt and him running out house and hating himself more. I believe it was all my fault and repented anger had come out on me. I split up with him and I kissed a couple of boys but felt nothing for them which resulted in more confusion and upset. Both of us got back together and lived together it was wonderful though not 100% it was starting to get there but I did something stupid. Both of us came to my mum's for the weekend and he said he was going shopping with his parents. I didn't want to be left alone so I told him he couldn't go but he didn't back down this time and then it resulted in a huge argument in which I ran off and refused to go back. I had a break down and didn't want to be around this place any more. He was terrified I could hear the hurt and fear in his voice and he cried but I was too selfish to listen to his pain and carried on with my break down crying and hiding. He left me in the end and I am back home and a few days ago he broke up with me. I have tried begging and sending him repeated messages knowing I'm pushing him away more. I know that we both have something extremely special and we were the couple people dreamed to be. I am heart broke and can't lose him. I just can't let him go and see him with someone else. I am truly sorry for all I did wrong and honestly recognise my mistakes as does he. I love him and just want him to see that. Please someone tell me what to do?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (1 June 2010):
 I think you would begin to feel better right away if you took positive steps TODAY to begin healing. Call your doctor and get an appointment or a referral. It will set your feet on the right path and hopefully your head and heart will follow right after.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has he's accused me of being Bipolar before and maybe he's right. I don't know what to think any more. I feel like I don't deserve life. I have lost the most precious person I've ever met and I'm torn. I am so desperate to make it up to him and for him to see and you're right. I don't want to stop messaging him as I'm afraid he'll find someone else and I'll lose him for good. I don't know what to do because he means so much to me. I just want him to see the love I have for him and I'm truly sorry and to know he'll be there when I'm better. thank you for your message. I'm at a loss.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 June 2010):
Has he asked you to seek professional help? Did he suggest counseling or medication? Have you pursued getting those?
It seems the root of the relationship issue is your fear and desperation and that is what needs to be addressed in order for anything to work between you.
You sound very desperate and clingy and unhappy and that cannot be a healthy way for you to live. He's not going to be able to fix things for you, not even staying with you when you get panicky is going to keep the anxiety and fear at bay for you forever.
I would leave off the messages and contact for the time being, go get the help you need and then you can tell him that you're taking positive steps to help yourself.
Best wishes.
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