A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:long story short, i pressured my gf into sex because i wanted to catch up to my buddies that had all done it. i felt left out so i pressured my long-time gf (2 years) and she gave in, even though i knew she wasn't ready (hence 2 years without any). i felt kind of guilty about it after, but since she didn't say anything i let it go. it was two weeks before i tried to get her to sleep with me again and she said no. when i asked why she said she didn't want to do it again. i got pissed, bc we had already done it what was the big deal in doing it again? we got into a fight and i thought she was going to blame me for pressuring her so i got defensive. but it turns out she's pissed at herself for giving in and she doesn't want to do it again until she feels comfortable.now i feel like shit bc i know it was my fault and i tried telling her that but she just doesn't want 'to make same mistake and give in so easily'(her words). i feel like she might withhold sex from me for a long time. how do i fix this? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): I'm going to play devil's advocate here and give you a male perspective. While I agree with some aspects of the posts by the others you're not some big bad guy for pressuring her into sex. Sure it's an assholes ploy, and it would have been nicer if you didn't but she should have said no if she didn't want to sleep with you and she should have made sure you stopped pressuring her.
She feels guilty about letting it happen, and rightly so. It's her own fault and she made a choice, you didn't force her and if you did then go right down to the police station right now and hand yourself in.
Other than that I wouldn't feel too bad if I were you, she can feel as "forced" as she likes, she shouldn't have let it happen if she didn't want it to happen, especially for the thoroughly stupid and shitty reason you wanted her to. Seriously because you wanted to catch up? What are you, twelve?
There is hope OP but you're going to have to play it more carefully and do it properly this time. You have to earn it and the reasons have to be good this time, you sound like a bit of a douche the way you talk OP, and I can see why the lady posters before me condemn you so fervently.
To be honest OP they can say what they like, you put 2 years of respecting her boundaries into this so you're not an asshole for getting impatient, that's a hell of a dry spell within a relationship I bet none of them had to wait that long in any of theirs and not at your age. There's two people in this relationship not just her, you too have wants and needs and it's not unreasonable for you to go about getting those fulfilled. You just did it wrong.
You basically have to start again and really you have to get rid of this childish, selfish, self important bullshit you're doing, do you think that's sexy or something? No wonder she feels like crap, she slept with a kid.
'to make same mistake and give in so easily' that means she's up for it again but this time you have to work for it the proper way. You have to romance her hard, you have make her feel special and you have to slowly over time build up enough trust, passion and love in her that she will feel comfortable enough to let you shag her again of course you have to call it making love and all those other sweet versions of it.
She's a girl, her first time was shit and a mistake and most girls dream of an epic romantic scenario for their first time and really view 'takng her flower' as some kind of holy grail. So you have to treat it that way and talk about it that way and not "hur dur my buddies all be doing it, me wanty too."
First off you have to decide what's more important to you, regular sex soon or being a relationship with your girlfriend. For now there is no third option of having both. If you want sex and to keep score like your buddies she's not the girl for you, go find an easier girl. If however you want to be with her but also sexually then it's time for a charm offensive, no more pressure, no more talk of sex, no more fights about it, no more being pissed off. See what the ladies before me said about boundaries? Use that line a and versions of that line a lot.
Also, even though it's her fault too, you need to ease that guilt as it's a huge block in your way, so take some more of the blame, tell her it's made you see that you have to "respect her boundaries" and that you're going to make things right so that if she "does you the honour" of being yours sexually again you're going to go about it in a way that she wants etc.
Basically OP you're going to have to work hard and be patient if you want her to feel comfortable enough again what you have to decide is if she's worth it. if not there's plenty of sexually rampant women around go get one of those.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (30 September 2012):
There are something in life which can not be fixed. Only healed. Even though she did not say anything, you should have comforted her and reassured her that nothing bad would happen. You owe that responsibility to her because she did that for you and for the relationship. Perhaps she even thought she would feel ready after sex. The thing is you just don't seem to understand her point of view.
She has every right to feel upset about herself and I don't really blame her. It is the same way that you blame yourself. All you should be doing is comforting her and talking to her about it, instead of getting upset. Go figure, girls have their own minds :P I kinda feel sorry for her, and the relationship. Even if she decides to have sex again, I'm not sure if she would still be emotionally ready. A shame your first time with her wasn't special.
Anyway, continue talking to her and comforting her, maybe things will heal over time.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 Well... at least you're asking a real MANLY question.... as in: "Gosh, she put out for me once.... WHAT IS THE MATTER (WITH HER) THAT SHE WON'T CONTINUE PUTTING OUT FOR ME????"
You'll be lucky if she ever TALKS to you again.... You don't deserve her....
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (30 September 2012):
 When the "felt kind of bad" turns into utterly heartbroken and devastated with guilt, then maybe she would consider it. She thought she could trust you and you coerced her into something she didn't want to do. Then to add further insult to injury, after you robbed her of her first time you are leaning on her again because it's over with anyways. If you push someone into the mud, is it OK to throw dog poo on them because they're dirty anyways?
You didn't respect her boundaries and devastated her, and you are not respecting her boundaries now. You were thinking about yourself when you coerced her the first time, now you're thinking about yourself and how she's somehow "slighted" you when you pressure her again. Basically if someone gives you candy once, does that mean every time they have candy they will give it to you from here on out?
She isn't "witholding" sex from you, she doesn't trust you anymore and you've hurt her. You still don't understand how you've hurt her, and THAT is why she won't. Once you are really and truly sorry, not just saying it to get laid, maybe she'll start to trust you again.
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A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 You can't MAKE her want sex with you again. Did you not learn the first time that this kind of pressure is what's causing the problem. The more impatient you become, the more anxious she will feel and that will only make her pull away from you even more.
Tell her it's okay if she wants to take her time, that you will wait until she feels completely comfortable however long that may be. Of course if you really can't wait then you shouldn't be together. It's not fair for her to feel forced into having sex just to keep you interested.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 September 2012):
 I concur 100% with iAmHereToHelpYou
You have no idea of what you did to her because you are STILL thinking with your dick.
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