A
male
age
36-40,
*arkv
writes:Below is a very short insight into the world I shared with Peyton. The tone of this insight is rather dark and negative. But as that is the feeling of this time we are going through, even if it’s not together, I thought I would express that even though for the most part, the time we shared was something to be cherished forever.This story starts in 2007.Where I met the most perfect girl in the world, in what could only be described as completely by chance or even fate.Peyton.Peyton was, and still is, everything a guy could ever want. She is blessed with the face of an angel, an amazing smile, a thinking mind and to top it all off, a beautiful personality that is caring and never boring either. We would always see each other on the train. And even though the train time Peyton and I shared together was minimal, it was always memorable and I could not wait till the next time I caught the train again. I would even miss my train, in the hope she was running late so that I could see her on the train that I thought she’d be catching after.In time, we swapped phone numbers, emails and could not stop contacting each other. This in turn led to me wanting, and doing as much as I could, of spending every physical minute with Peyton.Unfortunately, I had a girlfriend. Deb.This relationship wasn't very serious. But it was a relationship nonetheless. In time, the people around me did not like the fact I was with Deb while talking and spending time with Peyton (whom they also knew).Eventually, these people let Deb know what was going on. It was quite public within the community I am in and dealing with it was quite hard. Around the same time, Deb got together with a very close friend of mine, Dan. Dan was himself in a very serious relationship with Quinn (7 years) and broke that off to be with Deb. I eventually found out that Dan was instrumental in letting Deb know of my time with Peyton. This made me very upset. Stupidly, in a feeling that did not even feel like care, but that felt more like revenge. Quinn and I would spend some time together to feel as if we were getting back at Dan. The people in my tight knit community found out about this also and let Peyton know of my actions. And as public as my break up with Deb was, this was just as big. I regretted my actions and tried very hard to get Peyton back. Peyton, along with the people I held with the most utmost respect, forgave me. And without discounting the deceit, this really was just an act of revenge to Dan. With Peyton standing by me through that mistake, our relationship blossomed.Our relationship was the perfect place to be in. It was full of respect for each other, plenty of laughs, experiences to cherish, romance, acceptance from the important people in our lives, the ability to face any problem together, and everything else that comes when two people put in their all to become one. But most importantly, it was full of Love.Late 2009.A new contact pops up on my MSN messenger. Rachel.It is innocent. Conversation and the sharing of stories and experiences that we have gone through. This I know now, is where it should have stopped.To my demise, we become curious enough to want to talk. Knowing what had occurred before with Quinn, I purchased a separate phone to use to keep in contact with Rachel. I would use this every now and than as the medium to converse and share stories. My relationship with Peyton by now is getting more serious. By 2010, our families are closer than ever before, we have not spent a day apart since meeting unless we are in different states or country due to work or holiday, and the community around us is waiting for the day when I go down on one knee.It is bliss!Unbeknown to everyone, I still kept this other phone. With Rachel's contact on it that I would use every now and than. Many times I had tossed the phone, and than, with a lack of a better thought, would contact Rachel again to share conversation and a couple of laughs. Last week, Peyton caught me sleeping with the other phone next to me. She went through it, felt deceived, cheated and was so heartbroken she left me without a second thought.Now, you must understand that this community I mention throughout my story is huge. It is a mixture of family, church members, friends we respect, everyone. Peyton uses Facebook to announce the break up. Which causes it to explode with comments from every part of that community to lend their support to Peyton, and of course show the loathe that they have for me and the act of deception that had taken place.I Love Jazzie with all my heart, all my soul, and with everything else one would use, to feel the strongest of emotions a human being was created to feel.There is no one else I would rather spend the rest of my life with, and the reality, let alone the thought of it being otherwise, is extremely hard to cope with. It made me feel like I was in the darkest place, between heaven and earth, known to man. One where there is only REGRET, no forgiveness, no time to heal, and no hope. Thoughts never thought of, begin to take over me. An out.Thoughts that take something of a parody to the life you once had, which makes one think they cannot gain back.Luckily a small portion of the aforementioned community, shined in a bright light to that dark place. They have been giving me all the advice, thoughts, lessons that they can give, to guide me, to teach me, so that I can learn and change from this experience and become nothing else but a better man.Because of the size of this community, and the public medium Peyton used to announce the break up. All the RIDICULE that people had once erased, or kept in the back of their mind comes out of the woodwork. Which I have come to terms with, as they are definately only showing their support for Peyton. And wanting to make sure that she realizes she is nothing but, perfect. The pain she is suffering from the misuse of trust, deception, and thought of me deceiving her is akin to me having a physical affair. Seeing the Love of my Life hurt like that, along with this feeling of darkness, both of which I have never felt before, has only enforced how important she is to me. You may be thinking at this point, "a leopard never changes it’s spots" or "once a cheater, always a cheater"But I assure you, that it is different this time. Hurting someone you Love, pains you more than hurting yourself. It is a feeling where you would even hurt yourself, so you can take the pain away from them and carry on with it instead.And when the important people that surround you are disappointed instead of being angry with you, you know that you are not feeling embarrassed, or left with a dented ego for being caught. I knew of that feeling the first time around. This time you will feel like dirt. Worse.The dust on the dirt.That you failed to be a man. A good man, that is honest, holds integrity, virtue and protects the Love of His Life from never feeling pain. Not the pain that can be mended with a visit to the doctor or quick dash to the chemist. But the pain of a heart, broken into a million pieces by the one person who was able to make it beat. When you cause that pain, to the Love of your Life, you know you did not act right.You failed.Right now, Peyton is standing firm and strong on being nothing but two separate people. I have realised, that I can't get her back straight away. If at all. And that I will need to REPENT with everybody who has witnessed this sad event, and prove the positive change of honesty, integrity and virtue within me to everyone and Peyton, before I even start to think that she will consider letting me back in her heart.I ask now, has anyone been in a similar situation. Or for advice and guidance.On not really how to change, as that must come from within. But more how do you SHOW the change has occurred, that you have learnt from your mistake and you are now trustworthy. Most of all to the Love of your Life. Especially when you know in yourself, that all the hurt you have caused other people, not the shame you must go through from your action, is one of the driving forces to make sure you change for the better out of this.There is no yard stick as to which this can be recorded on. I know as selfish and foolish as I sound. This feeling of emptiness, loss, and REGRET is something I have never felt before and do not wish on anybody. The feeling of not having that one person you Love the most, not there anymore. Where you want to do everything to amend, but feel as if you can’t do nothing.I know in the meantime, and probably for a long time, I will have to go through all the RIDICULE for my unforgiving act of deception. And will go through all of it, even while I try to REPENT with everyone hurt and disappointed, to show, that through this, I have become the type of man that Peyton is deserving of.But especially to Peyton.I will forever REGRET the feeling of heartbreak I have given to her right now. The way her face appeared in front of me showing the upturned eyebrows, quivering lips, and sad cheek bones that usually highlight her face, but are now hidden to reveal the hurt deep within her teary eyes. The suffering of going through any RIDICULE that she seems fit for me, even while trying to REPENT to her will not compare to that moment in Peyton's life.As she can not just forgive and forget then come back to me. But must also need to witness the change in me as well, before even thinking about a Life with me.This is our story. And I will do everything that I can, to allow it to continue...Thank you for taking the time to read this. Any answers, advice, guidance, anything that you think you can give me. Will be greatly appreciated and not go to waste.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.And now they're gone and you wish you could give them everything.Said, if you ever loved somebody put your hands up.If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.And now they're gone and you wish you could give them everything. - Nelly
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acne, affair, facebook, heartbroken, msn, revenge Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Markv +, writes (3 March 2011):
Markv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Jen and Silly B for your honest replies.
I realise the road ahead is definately a tough one to persue.
Where proving myself an even better man is one that is not easily done.
And even than, gaining the trust back with all the hurt caused would be the toughest mountain to face.
I have made the decision to change myself. And also hedge my bet on doing that, whilst waiting and trying to get her back, on the risk that she may actually move on.
I Love her too much to not do anything. And it's very hard to come to this realisation after only experencing something like this. That if I were to see her with someone else would certainly bring me closer to self destruct.
But I shall choose that path instead of turning away after my mistake, changing for the better, and moving on.
I want to make sure that the positive changes that are now taking place within me, will all be for Peyton to enjoy.
Thank you again for replying.
A
male
reader, Markv +, writes (3 March 2011):
Markv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Cerberus.
Peyton is still calling me to chat and texting.
My friend summed this up in one word.
Torture.
Due to me describing this as all the conversation and texting is the same. It's just the way it starts and ends is different.
No more Hi Honeys or Love You at the end.
But I do know that it may be the first step for healing on her part, and maybe allowing the Love that I know we share to push on through and bring us back together.
Thank you again for the advice and encouragement.
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A
male
reader, Markv +, writes (3 March 2011):
Markv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA female reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011):
Maybe....Soul mates...twin flames...hurt themselves if they hurt the other ...because they are one. :)
Spunky Monkey.
I'm really curious about this reply.
Would you please give me more insight?
Thank you.
=)
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A
female
reader, SillyB  +, writes (3 March 2011):
 You've sugar coated your lies, disloyalty and emotional cheating in a very nice story. In all honestly, it is better if you leave her alone. She deserves someone genuine and honest. You Repenting can do very little to build trust when you've been given a handful of chances. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. She's smart for staying away. You now need to look at yourself and work on yourself. I hope you treat someone better in the future.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (3 March 2011):
 You have already learned from your mistakes, you have already accomplished what pain and self-loathing sought to teach. If you haven't already, you should tell her you are sorry. Try to be her friend again and go from there. You cannot rush anything now, make sure every step you take is without mistakes. Get your mind and your life together first so you are not blinded by anything.
If you want to show her that she can trust you now, do so as a friend and then let her decide whether or not she wants to take you back.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, Markv +, writes (3 March 2011):
Markv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for posting my story up.
To all the readers the reason why REGRET, RIDICULE and REPENT are in capital letters is because the title of this story is:
REGRET, RIDICULE, REPENT
Thank you in advance for any advice.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (3 March 2011):
 Your story saddens me. While I would like to see you get her back, as it sounds like you genuinely and truly do love her, I do have to wonder why you felt the need to keep this Rachel girl a secret from Peyton. Especially having a separate phone all for Rachel that no one, not even your most trusted and loyal partner, knew about. Despite the fact that you meant no harm, and even may have thought of the ever-now-and-then conversations were harmless, you have betrayed Peyton. I don't know what I would do if I caught my fiance with a secret phone that he used only to communicate with another woman. My trust would be broken forever, and I don't know if he could get it back. It's one thing to chat with a woman for laughs and stories, it's entirely another to do those things secretively behind your lover's back. You knew you had something to hide, otherwise you wouldn't have hidden it. If it really weren't threatening to Peyton, you would have told her about it, or you at least wouldn't have gotten a secret phone. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to let Peyton go for now until she can gain trust back for you. It's going to take some time, and I can't even guarantee that she'll forgive you, as trust is a difficult thing to get back once it's lost. It's like dropping a bouncy ball, no matter how high you hold it, once you drop it, it will never bounce back up to it's original height. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, sebaslookingforward  +, writes (3 March 2011):
Man....i dont have enough experience to help you, but i will try you need to get help from people that surround both you and her, talk to them, get them on your side, and (i think youve learned your lesson by now) DO NOT hide anything. tell them the whole story. i bet most people will understand. this involves time, and talking. get support first
i assume you truly regret your actions. if you are not sure whether any of what you did was actually good or bad, ignore my words
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011):
Maybe....Soul mates...twin flames...hurt themselves if they hurt the other ...because they are one. :)
Spunky Monkey.
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