A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need to learn to pick my battles with my bf but I don't know how. When something upsets me, I try to evaluate it, and even when I think it's not a big deal, but am still offended, I feel like saying to myself that it's not worth fighting over just minimizes or trivializes my feeling hurt or offended over something that happens, that I'm just repressing my feelings.I'm embarrassed to give you an example because its' so minor but..here, ok, I went on a trip to spain with my bf and it was amazing and I had a crazy week catching up on work, running around and stuff, traveling, and I had to go up to new york for job interviews and to see my family; I wanted to show my family photos of our trip, and I asked my bf to send me some to share and it just kind of didn't work out (the program was erasing the previously uploaded photos) and I was disappointed and it got me depressed and I was giving him a hard time on the phone. After I ended the call with him, like 10 min later, I felt stupid for being so stubborn especially since he was doing me a favor to begin with, doing something I didn't have time to do, but I'd LIKE to be the person that has the last feeling first, as in, I wish I could appreciate how stupid I'd feel initially, instead of feeling depressed or frustrated to begin with. It's not like I don't realize that I think it's petty to begin with, but like I said, I feel like I just let it go and pretend I'm fine with whatever just happened I'm not being true to my feelings. How do I mature out of being a brat/spoiled?
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (15 January 2012):
 The best thing to do is simply apologize to him when you know you've overreacted to a situation. A heartfelt apology goes a long ways toward healing a bad situation but you have to learn how to cope with disappointments better. There are people who manage minor set backs and there are people who simply cannot. You fall into the latter. Maybe you are a type "A" personality and therefore more headstrong and opinionated and hyper by nature. If so it will probably take some counseling sessions to break the cycle and help you deal with things in a more healthy way. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (15 January 2012):
 I do the same thing. I get super irritated by little things. It really isn't a reflection of my feelings for my boyfriend. I love him more than anything, but sometimes I can't control or help the fact that I am impatient become easily agitated with him. It's often pretty irrational feelings, so realize that repressing irrational feelings that you realize are petty isn't not being true to yourself, it is being mature and not wanting to disrespect your partner.
What works for me is that as soon as the feelings arise, I actually take a few minutes to inwardly debate, "Is this worth it?" Usually, no. But I have had to develop this habit over time and have had to make myself ask myself this question as soon as the situation arises.
I also think about how I am potentially pushing away a pretty great person by constantly being an irritated, argumentative nag. Knowing that makes me often see how I am ruining a great thing and envisioning my life without him scares me. Those thoughts straighten me up quick.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): repressing feelings isn't good in the long run but it's certainly better than lashing out unfairly and often at innocent people. So I do commend you for exercising self-restraint.
but don't just stop at repressing feelings. instead try to do something different so that they don't occur so much or so intensely to begin with. I think repressing feelings is a stop-gap measure to do immediate damage control so you don't ruin relationships. but over the long term it does make you feel more tense and uptight and may lead you to one day snap and explode at someone in an exaggerated way.
therefore, I think that next you have to figure out WHY you find yourself having to constantly repress your feelings? Why are your negative feelings triggered so easily or so often, is there something you can do to change that? For example the example you gave, yes I do agree that it's a minor thing and I can't imagine myself getting anywhere near as upset as you were over that issue. i think life would be very difficult to be triggered to frustration so easily because it means that every day brings turmoil. so it is in your own best interest, not just your bf's, for you to try to change something in the way you perceive and process events around you.
there's probably a better way for you to process your initial thoughts and feelings so that they dont' escalate into such a negative ball of tension and anxiety and depression that requires conscious repressing to prevent lashing out.
maybe you need to learn to be more patient, or less anxious, or to take deep breaths at the first sign of tension, something like that? Maybe practicing yoga or meditation will help to calm you down overall and thus increase your tolerance for frustration which means literally letting things go. repressing feelings and pretending it's not a big deal when it actually is, is NOT the same as truly letting things go, even though it is better than lashing out at innocent people. But just saying that you aren't actually letting things go if you still feel really upset.
either way, repressing feelings isn't the answer, but neither is giving full vent to them either because that just reinforces that pattern of thinking and behaving. I think it would help if you try to learn how to be calmer and change the way you perceive and think about events.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 January 2012):
 I guess the saying goes, you cannot help how you feel. My guess is that you get frustrated really easily and you look for someone to blame, and then the finger is pointed at your boyfriend. So you feel angry with him, even though deep down you know it is not his fault and it is petty.
I guess you cannot help who you are, but there is no point building up these negative feelings either, so if you do not want to off load it on to your boyfriend, maybe talk to your family or someone who can tell you that it is not worth an argument and reassure you. Are you really happy in this relationship? Do you trust him? Do you see a future? Maybe there is something you feel is wrong so instead of trying to sort it you just pick up on the small things.
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