A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This may be a bit of an odd question, but it's a subject I'd rather not bring up with women I know personally because so many of them are so materialistic.My boyfriend and I are not engaged, but we are getting serious and from comments he has made I think he wants to take things to the next level in the near future. The thing is, I don't actually want him to surprise me with a ring - because I don't want a ring! I'm disgusted by how much value my culture (American) places on a simple piece of metal with rocks in it. It's like the focal point of an engagement for some girls - not the fact that they're planning a future with the love of their lives. It literally makes me sick. Well, here's my chance to say "f*** you" to that mentality. When the time comes, I'd be more than happy to express lifetime commitment to my partner with a simple wedding band.My question is, how do I bring this up? I'd hate for him to go to the trouble of getting me a ring only to have to return it. But I don't want the conversation to come across as being in a rush to get married or demand a commitment, because that's not who I am at all. Is there a way to make this clear while being subtle about it?
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (15 August 2013):
 my point of view is that if he doesn't even know enough about you to know that you don't want an engagement ring, then you have no business getting engaged or making a commitment like that in the first place.
you can just tell him in basic convo. mention one of your friends or someone you know getting a huge rock and how you're appalled. casually let him know indirectly.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): when I read that you don't want a ring I thought that you didn't want to get a proposal, after reading though i realized what you meant, so if you don't want any misunderstanding simply explain to the bf that you'd rather only have a simple wedding ring and that you really would not have him spend money buying you a ring, that it isn't meaningful to you, I myself HATE rings, I never wanted a wedding ring or an engagement ring, my parents for instance only wears theirs for church, I guess I took after them I'd much rather be given a bracelet or something meaningful to wear on occasion as I don't like jewelry
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (14 August 2013):
 I'd just casually bring it up. If you can gear the conversation towards your feelings about materialism, slip it in there.
As a side note, it's great that you have a cause and want to take a personal stand. But don't think your "f**k you" to the materialistic mentality will resonate with everyone who asks about it. I, for one, am all about excess and ridiculously expensive bling. To each her own, you know?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 August 2013):
 It's okay to be disgusted with a culture of excess. Many of us are.
However, using your own relationship as a way to vent that negative feeling is not a good idea. You are only 1/2 of the relationship, and if he wants to show his love by getting you an engagement ring, your political statement and views will most certainly be taken as a rejection of him, and I'm sure you don't want to destroy your relationship over a zealous statement, right?
Like the other aunt said - make it casual if there's an opening and NOT if he's already surprised you with a ring. Do NOT refuse his ring if he gets you one. You said you believe in marriage, so be really careful. Just talk about it as part of normal conversation if the subject presents itself. Mention it offhand instead of telling him outright not to get you a ring, because unfortunately many women will tell guys not to do something, but secretly be demanding in code that he does it.
So don't say "Don't get me a ring", he could be taking it as a subliminal message that you are pressuring him to propose to you. Instead, say "I've always been against engagement rings as symbols of engagement. A simple inexpensive wedding band on the wedding day is all the symbol I need".
Then you might want to respect him if HE attaches significance to an engagement ring. Remember, the giving of jewelry is one of the most emotionally intimate things a guy can do. Don't reject it if he's already gotten you one, or you'll be rejecting HIM.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (14 August 2013):
 See if you can be really casual about it - if you are flicking through TV channels and come across a wedding show (there are always some daft reality wedding shows on) that would be a perfect time to mention 'ugh I hate engagement rings, I hate how materialistic women are and I'd much prefer just to wear a wedding band if it were me'.
Other opportunities would include if any of yours or his friends got engaged you could mention it then, if you ever stop to look in a jewellery shop window....that type of thing.
I wouldnt bring it up, as it does sound a bit weird to be talking about it when you are not planning on getting engaged yet - but if you spot an opportunity where weddings/engagements are in the topic of conversation, then you can drop it in.
One thing I will say though about this whole thing - the engagement ring isnt just about a bit of bling for some women (I know some just want a massive diamond), it symbolises the promise your man has made to you and the commitment to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you.
You dont have to have a precious metal with diamonds, there are tonnes of alternatives to the classic engagement rings that dont cost the earth and can be quite personal to you and your boyfriend. Etsy is a great place to look - loads of unique pieces at good prices from individual craftsmen.
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