A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 6 years told me 2 years ago that he never loved me,this is when i discovered he was having an affair. he said so many times that i forced myself on him. Somehow we got out of the situation, but he never apologised to me. I am still with him and things seem ok between us now. But i am failing to forgive him for what he said and other bad things he did to me. How do i let go of the bitterness?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDivorce is the only option i guess, will just have to be strong enough to go through with it. thank you guys
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): you and your husband both have serious issues. Let's say he's correct and truthful that he never loved you and that he only married you because you forced yourself on him. Then it's really not surprising he cheated on you. it was wrong of you to force yourself on him, but also wrong of him to accept it if he couldn't handle being married to you. Maybe you were pushy and selfish to him, but he was weak and spineless and that was wrong of him too.
now you're both still together. This is really not a good thing. I doubt he now suddenly loves you when previously he didn't. I bet he still resents you and that's why he never apologized for his affair, he feels he was justified in it, he probably feels he was "driven" to it out of his misery. So where does that leave you?
you're married to a guy who never wanted to be with you, and probably still doesn't, and yet is too weak and spineless to leave you. Instead he is continuing to string you along by being married to you when he probably still doesn't want to be deep down. It's too bad he didn't have the balls to be honest to you 6 years ago instead of leading you on that he was ok with your pushiness. this is why it's a bad idea to push someone into marriage, by the way.
but now you have to face the reality which is that he never loved you and probably still doesn't, and you still can't forgive him for his affair. I don't see any way out of this mess except by divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much PerhapsNot and chickpea2011. Your advise has really strengthened me and is encouraging. There are times in life when we need to stop pretending and look at reality. I have been pretending to be strong and denying my true feelings. I am not exactly happy about the situation as i say. Its just that divorce is a bit difficult (but not impossible) given certain cultural and religious backgrounds. But given this enlightment from you guys, i am better able to make a decision that will make me happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): you may still be together but things are far from "OK"..rather you just buried them or swept them under the carpet and suppressed your anger (and he suppressed his anger towards you) so you could continue living together and not have to change up your whole lives by getting divorced.
You have not worked through your issues together. that's why you can't seem to forgive him and let go of the bitterness.
I mean, he hasn't even apologized to you!!
He has no idea where you stand, what you're TRULY thinking and feeling towards him and the marriage. and similarly you have no idea of any of these things about him.
you are still living in "limbo" - you didn't get divorced, yet your problems haven't been resolved either. You've simply been living in denial or suppression.
To me, this is the worst possible situation. If you're going to stay married, then work out your problems. If you can't or your partner refuses to, then for goodness sake get divorced so you can have a new beginning not to be trapped with all this toxic feelings and hurt.
If you refuse to divorce, yet you can't or won't honestly work through your issues, then I'm sorry but all you can do is continue to live like this and find some way to cope with your unhappiness, like maybe focus more on your career or friends and just treat your husband like a roommate and dont' expect anything more from him.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (18 September 2011):
 Some people can forgive infidelity when confronted with it and some cannot. You may fall in the latter camp and there is nothing you can do, short of divorce. You claim "things seem ok between us" but how can your marriage be OK if you're still holding grudges and bitterness? It's been two years and you still resentful towards him (and you have every right to be). If you're not happy, why are you putting yourself through this mental hell? Is he really worth it?
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (18 September 2011):
 Why aren't you divorced from him by now? He said he never loved you, so why be with someone who doesn't feel the same way you feel. If he thinks you forced yourself on him, then he should've been able to walk away instead of putting you in this situation. You do deserve an apology, and if he's not willing to give one, how do you know if he's really sorry? Since he seems to be trying to make things better, you just have to put it in the past. Let your reconciliation be your new starting point and give him a fresh slate. You don't have to forget his past, just remember that it's in the past and that if he didn't want things to work, he would've divorced or kept having the affair. But just take it one day at a time and each day, let go of some of the anger and bitterness and remember the reasons you married him in the first place. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (18 September 2011):
 Hi,
I know how you feel. Just ended a 10 years relationship a year ago (cheating). So I know your pain, anger, shock, betrayal, etc. No words need to explain how you feel, because I have experienced myself.
It's takes time to heal, specially when he refuses to apolozie. Bottom line is that you made your choice so you cannot complain. How to heal & move on? You just do it!!! You know what he did, still together, he refuse apologie, you know what kind of man he's. I know it's difficult to let go of the pain, but you made your choice, so you need to forgive him for your own sanity. Not him, but for yourself. I don't blame you for choosing to stay, but you just have to stop feeling this way, because now you made your decision. It's not fair to you, or him. You said things are good now? So, be happy... He still with you, you guys are doing well, so instead of concentrading about the past, the affair, and what he did, think about the future.
I am sorry if i am not being supportive, but I couldn't forgive or deal with my situation so I left, because I didn't want to keep suffering. Punishing myself, and him. I wasn't strong enough, and I don't have a big heart to forgive I guess. But, you made your choice, so you got to be strong, you have to forgive, otherwise what's the point of being together?
Good luck
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