A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,So here it goes...a year and 1/2 ago, I met my soul mate...online. I know this sounds very cliche for this era, but it happened. What seemed to be attraction and coincidence, I soon found to be a connection deeper than I had felt before. It became so deep that I could sense my childhood when I was with this person. He is my twin flame, and my fire burned brightly whenever we were together. I became a different person, the person I was always meant to be. Suddenly, I saw my whole life laid out before me, and I was excited to start living it.Here comes the reality check...he and I were both married, with children, living on opposite sides of the country. This made life complicated and put strain on our relationship. He felt stuck in his marriage, and hoped that we could stay together online. Where I could never completely accept that. There were other obstacles too, having to do with emotions and addictions. These issues would always block us from going deeper within each other. The biggest obstacle however, was fear. Despite these challenges, every time we rekindled our relationship, we would fall in deeper, grow closer. To the point where we could no longer handle being apart.We were there, at the jumping off point. Yet neither of us brave enough to take the chance. The stress and pain of it all eventually tore us down. It became too much. We both started to get physically sick from the sadness and stress of not being together. He found out that he was seriously sick, and deactivated his acct for a short while. Yet, he hasn't even messaged me to say goodbye, which is unusual for him For over a year we hardly went a day or 2 without speaking to one another. I haven't spoken to him for a month now, and I really have no sure way to reach him. The pain I've felt of living without him has been unbearable. I believe that our love, will never be over, that I'll carry it with me for the rest of my life. Worse is, now that I'm reflecting on my life (marriage) without him, I cannot see a way to be happy in my marriage.So, what do I do now? How do I let go of him and move on with my life? or should I stay and fight for this soul mate relationship.
View related questions:
move on, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (29 December 2011):
 No one can really give you a clear cut way for you to get over someone you believed was your soulmate. Because the truth of the matter is there will be times that you will still think about him.
But somethings that may be able to help you in this process of letting go and working on your marriage is...
1. Therapy for yourself- and maybe couples counseling to rebuild the love in your marriage. Whether you choose to share this with your husband or not, you need someone that you can talk to about your hurt, sadness, and overall emotion when it comes to that online relationship. You need someone that can provide you with practical solutions. That's where therapy comes in. Then what you may also want to do is work on discussing how your relationship can be better. And in that case, if necessary, you can enlist the services of a couples counselor for that... with the both you present. Discuss your frustrations, what you want more of from him, etc. And listen to what he has to say as well.
2. Cut all ties. Delete your account that you chat on. Even if your intention is/was just to seek friendship, as you can tell, that can quickly change. If you need someone to talk to- talk to your friend, a close relative, etc. But don't allow yourself to be put in that same position again. And what you must understand is you're still in a very vulnerable state.
3. Be appreciative. Look at what you have now... your family, your kids, your life. View your photos with everyone together. Start to appreciate things more. Because a lot of people can't say that they've been blessed to have some of the things you have now. Create a list of affirmations to look at or say to remind you why you'd still want to be in the marriage.
I wish you the very best!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your great insight and honesty into this matter. I really appreciate the different perspectives offered in your answers. Though, it is difficult to hear, some of it I've told myself many times over the last year. However, my feelings and deep connection with this person online, have kept pulling me back into this relationship online. There is so much truth to the fact that this relationship has only been online/phone, and does not provide a clear picture of this man or promise a successful real-life relationship. Also, despite his reasons for pulling away from me, the truth is, he is the one who has left our relationshipOne key point made, was in regards to what each man in my life has offered me. Sure there have been many dreams and strong desires projected by this relationship online. My husband, however, has continuously given me his commitment to our marriage. While, this man I care for so deeply online, has not. Though he has proven himself my soul mate,(by inspiring within me my true self), he has not offered me a true, concrete relationship to fight for. I have realized that holding onto my feelings for him, has kept me from investing myself truly in my marriage, whether it works out or doesn't. The only way I can give myself 100% to my husband is by letting go of this online relationship and breaking off any way of contact with this person in the future.However, saying I should let my feelings go for him, and actually following through with it are two different things. Has anyone had experience losing a soul mate before? I'm not really the type of person that has a difficult time letting go of insignificant relationships. This one, despite being online, has deeply rooted itself in me. So back to part of my original question...can anyone offer advice on HOW I let go (emotionally) of this soul mate relationship? Again, thank you. Reading your answers have helped nudge me in a positive direction.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): Since your relationship was entirely online, I would be very cautious in attributing to it all the wonderful things that you feel it has. Relationships are not the same entirely online as in real life. Online, you have the ability to control what you show to the other person much more than in real life. Online, you can present only one side of yourself - the side you want the other person to see or feel comfortable sharing. In real life, it's much harder to filter your image to the other person. In real life, much more situations bring out other sides of your personalities and your past baggage, and cause conflict and how that conflict gets handled is the true test of a relationship. This is not to say that your online relationship is meaningless. It could very well work out in real life. I'm just saying that you dont' know that this is the case yet. What you have is potential, not the guarantee of the actual thing. You won't know if this relationship will work for real unless you convert it into a real relationship (but you can't do that as long as you're both still married). Unless and until you are both divorced and have come together in a real and open relationship and experienced how it feels with each other in real life, you should take with a grain of salt the qualities you attribute to this relationship and realize that a lot of it could be your projection onto him and his projection onto you.Also, realize that you've been having an affair, which is morally wrong because you're still married. People make mistakes and do bad things, so I'm not going to condemn you for making a mistake. But once called out on it, now it's your responsibility to correct this situation one way or the other. This is a wake up call to examine your life and your marriage. In fact I would say that this is not about the other guy, this is about your marriage and yourself, the cumulative choices and decisions you made that landed you in this difficult position to begin with. If you want to fight for your new relationship, the very first step is to divorce your husband. Yes divorcing your husband carries consequences - that's why it's called fighting for your new relationship. but if you decide to fight for your new relationship then it necessarily means that you are deciding to quit your marriage. The two are mutually exclusive so the first step is to get divorced so you can show the guy you believe is your soul mate that you are dead serious about wanting to be with him. Anything less than divorcing your husband, is not really fighting for your new relationship, it's simply trying to avoid as much discomfort for yourself as you can. There is a difference.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 December 2011):
 I really do sense the pain that you are going through right now. Unfortunately, while you may be soul mates, it would appear that you have met the right person at the wrong time. For whatever reason, it sounds like he has decided to end the pain by moving on. Whatever his motives are (I could guess, but they would be guesses), he has definitely given you an opportunity to realize what you are missing out on and potentially rekindle things with your husband -- who probably feels you are his soul mate.I am not going to condemn you because you are married, but one some level, you probably once shared those same feelings with your husband as you have with your online friend. Except, your husband stood up and decided he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. Your virtual soul mate, really hasn't stood up to that test yet.Finally, it sounds like you haven't met your online friend, person to person. Often times, the truth comes out when you actually are in proximity with the other person. You start to notice little idiosyncrasies that aren't visible when one conducts relationships via email. To some extent, I think you may have built up your penpal into something he feels he cannot live up to. In addition, you are missing certain things in your marriage (most likely intimacy) and you are able to be more intimate with someone else.I think, in time, your feelings will subside -- however, if you try to contact him, or he contacts you, those feelings will not go away and they'll only wind up hurting you more. Why not focus on your husband and kids? Identify what you are missing there and work on that. Your kids and your husband are depending upon you and you owe it to them to try and make it work. I know its not easy, especially as you probably feel like your last hope is drifting away. But I do hope you realize what you'd be losing if you decided to pursue whatever you are looking for in your penpal.Best wishes
...............................
A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (27 December 2011):
Well it's not uncommon for some people to be unhappy in their relationship/marriage. But instead of working on the issues, many do seek companionship, love, and/or sex from outside sources. Therein lies your problem... You chatted online with a man who was married and has kids- and you were in the same predicament. That should've stopped you from pursuing anything further. But now you've grown to really like this guy. So what should you do?Well first I have to ask you how bad do you really want your current relationship to work? Do you believe your issues are fixable? Or is the relationship in such turmoil that you don't see it lasting any longer? If you'd like your marriage and family life to continue, then I suggest you go to couples/marriage counseling and work on your problems. If not, then it's best for you two to just be apart.Sometimes life has a funny way of presenting situations to us. And maybe the non-communication that you have with the man you met online is for the better. If it's meant to be, you'll talk to him again. But just make sure that if you do decide to talk, you both are not in a relationship with someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): It is not clear if you actually met up in person which makes a difference. However, you have put a great deal of emotional input into something that appears to have fallen at the first signs of stress and difficulty. He has drawn himself away from you - so you are the one doing all the agonizing here. In effect, he has walked away. He offered you an 'internet' relationship but had nothing else to offer. I would consider any hope of a real functioning physical relationship almost zero. So you are best advised to move on. Leave your marriage and start again if you have to but don't waste time hoping that this internet love is somehow going to ever be anything more than a dream. Not what you want to hear I'm sure. But good luck.
...............................
|
