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female
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anonymous
writes: I just broke off with my boyfriend about 9 days ago.I broke off because I felt he was taking me for granted and he was treating me badly like constantly putting his golf and everything else before me knowing he would get away with it.He is 6 years younger than me - im 29 but we were having a serious rels for nearly 4 years!He is very mature for his age in a general sense but lately I think rels-wise he seems to be showing signs of non-commitment.Though before I broke off he has been telling me he is "in love" with me and he "loves me lots"etc.We have even spoken about our future together.I know we're meant to be together deep down but in the last year he was working about 10 hours six days a week on his thesis(he was doing a Masters degree in finance) and he was crazy stressed.His thesis finished up a few days after we broke off but he is getting so back into his golf.He only sees me twice a week and he doesnt care.All my friends and my mum tell me that hes pissing me about cos he knows I will put up with it.I have given him so much time to sort out his study and everything and now he wants to throw himself into his stupid golf instead of spending time with his girlfriend who treats him so well.I broke off with him a few months ago for 8 days only and he hadnt called me within those days.I then called him on the 8th day and asked him back.He first said he didnt think so and made me beg for him which i stupidly did.He took me back.From then on he knew he could do anything he wanted to upset me.One time we had a row and I told him I was going home.I turned away from him to head home and he just let me because he KNEW I wasnt going to go home.Get the idea.So I have broken off with him again and it has been around the same amount of time - so far.I am under no circumstances calling him because 1) he's so in the wrong and 2) he would only make me beg for him. I want him to call me and ask me back and promise he will change his ways.But I know he is sitting there and thinking 'Ah she'l call me in bout another week or so...'The worst thing is we dont work together and we live about an hour away from each other.We have not spoken, heard or seen each other in 9 days.I am NOT calling him because he should ask me back.But I do want him to ask me back because I know in my heart we can make it.Everything was nearly perfect with us before he started his stupid Masters degree, then it went downhill from there on. He just stopped caring.Sorry this is so long.Help anyone? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (19 July 2006):
 I can tell that you're resentful of the time he spends on other pursuits and I understand that, but honestly... you're jealous of his ~thesis~?
OK. First, let me defend his actions from a point of view that you don't seem to have considered. Then I'll get to some real advice.
Contrary to what you expected and hoped for, your boyfriend is probably experiencing a rubber-band effect from all the effort he's had to devote to his degree. Right now he's going to have all the fun he feels he missed while he was putting in 70-hour weeks. He probably fantasised for months about golfing while he was hunched over his computer. So in that respect, I think you have to cut him a little slack. I really think he's earnt some down time, even whilst I appreciate that you feel neglected and annoyed by his choice.
Once he's gotten that out of his system, he may well look around and wonder where you are. For all that you say that he's "mature" for his age, he's still a young man and he seems to have spend a lot of his adult life with someone more settled than himself, and in working on academic pursuits. He may feel that he deserves to indulge himself right now, and while that's a bit selfish, I don't personally know anyone who wouldn't act the same way, in his shoes.
As to your ending it with him, if you feel strongly that this was a breakup-able offense, then you don't ring him and ask to be taken back. As you point out, because of your previous history, he may well feel that he has you on a string, and if you break up just to fall down and beg forgiveness, then you've effectively handed him all the power in the relationship on a platter.
Now, if you broke up with him ONLY to make a point (and I think that's a bad idea generally), you're going to have to stick with your decision, even if you regret it. Otherwise you *haven't* made your point, and in fact, you prove to him that you'll accept any sort of behaviour from him and still follow him around like a puppy. A relationship like that is unhealthy to both parties.
What this means is that you carry on without him. You've broken up, right? You initiated it, and presumably, you thought through the consequences of your actions and decided that you were better off alone. So start ringing up some girlfriends, line up some nights out. Tell your boss that you're available for overtime at nights. Enrol in a Turkish-language course at the community college. Renew your gym membership and go every morning. In other words, you learn to have a great life without him.
What you DON'T do is sit around the house, fretting that he hasn't rung yet, and wondering what he's doing right now. If he misses you, he'll be in touch. He knows your phone number.
If he doesn't call, then you know that he doesn't miss you, was happy you broke it off, and you can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that you didn't waste any more of your time with a man who doesn't care about you.
But you've placed the ball squarely in his court with this now. Let him decide what comes next. Remember that if you call him, you're etching in stone the following words: "You can treat me as badly as you want, and I'll take it. I'm your slave."
That's not a message that you want to send. You're not that desperate for him.
Right?
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