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female
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anonymous
writes: I have an unpredicatble partner. He can be loving and caring but also gets angry and threatening.He can be patronising and full of himself. He has a teacherish manner and can be pretty selfish when he wants to be but then he can also be romantic and generous. I've given up trying to work him out. He blames things on me; being in his face, not answering him properly, playing games, keeping on about things. A friend of mine told me that he was inconsistent, that I deserved better and then she changed her mind and said I nag him too much! Perhaps I do (yet if it is the case, I've never had complaints before).I don't feel safe as he threatens to throw me out, says he wants rid of me and then the next morning he can be so nice again.I don't have many friends here, I don't drive, no family and I feel depressed and frightened. How do I leave him? I'm trying to save money but I just want to look forwards to a decent, safe and secure future. I wish he could see how he can be and I'm not even sure he would miss me if I left even though I try to do a lot for him (silly, I know).Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2006): Hun, you are in a dysfunctional, verbally abusive relationship with a guy who likes doling out the crap. It's time for you to leave this situation. It's just going to get nastier and nastier with time. You need to get unstuck, by reclaiming some balance and independance in your own life. If his irritability and lashing out is caused by lack of character and an unwillingness to learn how to change, you have a long, miserable life ahead of you. Meanness in a relationship is an option, a choice for all people but some people still really cut loose with it with little regard for the person, who is on the recieving end. He needs to realize, we don't 'tear down the people we love'..I don't care what the reasons are, his behaviour is out of control. A major factor in this problem is that your bf apparently sees no problem with his behaviours and the more dependent you allow yourself to become on him..the worse it will get. This guy has anger management and communication problems. He needs immediate counselling to learn anger management and patient, respectable communication skills. This may be a good first step to him addressing his own issue. This is his problem-not yours. Men like this often say they are sorry and present you with a plan and commitment to change, but that will not be enough. Guys like this quite often, try to worm their way back in to one's life, without commitment and action to change. I would suggest you don't stick around and find out if he will help himself. Some people never want to change. But you can help yourself. You need some help to learn to overcome the pain and hurt he engendered on you, by his meanness. Your family doctor, church minister, crisis centers all can help you with contacts on how to get out and get on with a safe, secure life. Start with them. But the only way you will ever find the happiness and self-value..is to empower yourself with a job and a place to live on your own. This may seem hard but many people do it, all the time and they all say-it was well worth the tough efforts to reclaiming their lives. There are people out there that can help you..you just have to take that first step to finding them. Get on the phone and do it asap. I wish you luck, dear..be strong and believe in yourself.
Hugs, Irish
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (15 January 2006):
 Your guy is a classic spousal abuser.
He wears a mask of "niceness" for a while, but then his real personality comes to the fore. He gets off on controlling you and scaring you. It makes him feel good when you're sad and frightened. So he gets angry and pedantic, blaming YOU because HE'S angry. (Say *what*? Since when are you responsible for his emotions?) Then when he realises he's gone too far and might lose control over you -- if you move out -- he turns nice again, to lure you back for more victimisation and abuse.
If he's really an A-Class jerk with the gold star, he will have moved in on your really quickly really quickly, swearing undying love when you only just met, before trying to isolate you from family and friends.
Does this sound familiar? It's a very common scenario and I'm here to spoil the ending for you. The violence escalates. He will hit you. He will hurt you. Some women are eventually killed by these guys, but only after years and years of threats and violence. You don't want that, and you don't need him.
PLEASE get out.
Look in your phone book under the government section. You'll usually find a phone number for Domestic Violence, sometimes there'll be a national hotline number that you can ring for advice. If there isn't, ring your local Police station and ask if they have a domestic violence liaison officer (a female police officer who specialises in advising women in your predicament). The person you speak to has a lot of background with women like you, and their partners. She will be able to tell you a way to extricate yourself safely from him.
Leaving an abuser can be tricky, because it threatens his level of control. It could make him get worse, but you have to protect yourself. Make a plan, then leave. Guys like this don't get better; they get worse.
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A
male
reader, flipdrew +, writes (15 January 2006):
 First, an anology: It is said that if you put a frog in boiling water, he will jump out immediately, but if you put one in water and boil it slowly, the frog won't notice the gradual change in temperature and boil to death. It sounds like your water is begining to boil.
Honeslty, anyone can put on a facade for awhile and can be charming when they want to get their way. You see this all the time with "daddy's girls". They will be totally wretched, but whe they want to borrow the car or they want daddy to buy them that $400 prom dress, suddenly they become angels and shower him with kisses......and daddy falls for it.
On almost every episode of COPS, there is a response to a domestic dispute where the wife was beaten, but when the cops get there, the guy is saying "I'm sorry, baby. You know I love you. Come back in the house and we can talk about this. I just get so mad sometimes. I love you, baby. I won't hit you again." and often the cops are returning again within the same episode. I think you are being naive to think he will change and foolish if you believe that he is sincerely a nice guy. Nice guys don't threaten their partners.....ever. end of story. If you don't have family of friends nearby, go back home and ask for help. Even moving out on your own would be better than this situation. People fear change, but you need to take that step. If need be, leave your belongings. Nothing you own is worth your safety, and the discomfort of change is nothing compared to the discomfort of living in a bad situation. I know it sounds cliche, but "Where there's a will, there's a way." Exercise your will and find a way. Talk to a woman's shelter. They specialize in helping women move on and get on their own two feet. They're there for YOU. Use the tools at your disposal.
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A
female
reader, Dawnest +, writes (15 January 2006):
You are in a difficult situation because you love hm a lot and are dependant on him for many things. One half of you wants to walk but the other half is full of fear of the unknown.
Do you have a women's refuge near you. Have a chat to them and find out what you can and can't do. You will find them very helpful and supportive and on the basis of their advice, you can then quietly put your plans into action.
It takes courage to dip your toes into the waters of the unknown but once youmake that bold move,you will find that the joys of freedom will make you a stronger person.
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