A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everybody.I have been in a relationship for about 2.5 years (with 2 "breaks" in between). In the 1st break he went out with someone else and hid it from me and lied about it. Yes I know I'm dumb to take him back. He showed great improvement when we got back together for a year. Then something else came about: verbal abuse. He always said he was "just joking" but it hurt. He always made fun of my weight even tho I'm not fat, and he would always manipulate and guilt trip me into doing what HE wanted (What plans we made, how I should wear my hair, even sex..if I didnt want to he kept pushing with lines like "I thought u loved me, and u should want to make the other person happy even if u dont want to"). He also lies about little things like where he is and stuff.Anyway I am sick of it. A few days ago I stood up for myself when he wanted sex and I didn't want to. He kept whining and guilttripping me but I didn't give in. He then sat on the bed pouting and giving me the silent treatment. I told him to leave my house and he wouldn't. So I said "If you dont leave I'll make you leave" and got a phonebook to start looking up the police (I was bluffing). He jumped up and grabbed the book and threw it across the room and wipped a pack of gum at the wall in which I was standing 2 feet away from (whether he was aiming for me or not I dont know). He has a bad temper, any little thing that doesn't go his way he blows up.Basically I want to know how to end it once and for all. I don't feel like I love him anymore because I am afraid of him. He once tried to make me get out of his car and walk home on the highway at night cuz he was mad at me. I said no and he threatened to punch me in the face..he didn't but still scary. Anyway he scares me and he thinks counselling is a joke. My family and friends don't know I am still with him as we broke up 2months ago and got back together again and everyone thought it was permanently broken up.When I have tried to end it in the past he cries hysterically and guilttrips me that he will be better. He did stop the verbal abuse--it's just his anger now that scares me. I have such a hard time being firm cuz everytime I feel bad and cave. Basically how do I end this once and for all? I dont know if I can do in person because of his anger, also I don't like seeing people cry and knowing him he probably wouldn't let me leave. I need to know how to stand my ground. Even if he did stop this behaviour everything he's done to me I just don't see him the same way anymore. I feel really upset because he has been my only boyfriend and I really thought it was going to work...it makes me feel like I failed. I just don't get why I feel so bad that i'm going to hurt him when all he has done in the past is hurt me. I don't get why I'm still crying over this yet I don't think i love him anymore?If anyone has suggestions of what please help. Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): You have to leave because a controlling man is plagued by insecurities that he will project on you always.How do you leave him without being induced by guilt to lose your resolve? You tell yourself that if you always give of yourself to the point that you are acting against your own better interests that you will be living his life instead of yours. Obviously, because his controlling nature will dictate what you must always do to stay in his good books and avoid punishment-silent treatment, verbal abuse, etc...You can also do some visualizations of seeing yourself without him and feeling fine in your mind as thought exercises to help you get a move on. You can also tell other people that care about you of your resolve to sever ties with the guy so they can motivate you when you lose your resolve because of his badgering and manipulations.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): I was in exactly the same situation - everything you said I felt too, from being afraid to break up because of his anger to feeling like I failed because it didn't work out and I really thought it would for a long time. Right at the end I started to rebel like you, you have to keep refusing to give in to what he wants. Be strong! I told him in a public place (best for minimising the effects of his anger towards you) that we needed some time apart, without speaking to each other, for me to think about whether I can get past his treatment of me, and for him to think about what he's doing to me. He refused to give me time, I said if he didn't then that would be the end of us because I couldn't keep going like this. So that was the end of us. The next time I bumped into him, he hit me and swore and yelled at me (this was also in a public place and I can't believe none of the swarms of people walking past stopped to help, but that's another story). I went to the police and they recommended pressing charges. I couldn't get a restraining order because in this country he'd have to do it 3 times first, but check if you can in Canada. I emailed him saying that I'd been to the police and they wanted me to take him to court and if he ever came near me again then I would. Haven't heard from him since :) I know this might sound dramatic, but keep it in mind if he does get violent, and try and avoid situations where he could (like public places are best).
You're still crying over this because you've invested 2.5 years of your life in trying to please him, and failing because he wants to keep making you try. Trust me, you will feel so so much better once you're free of his control. It's incredible! And there are some wonderful guys out there for you to get to know. Just think about the warning signs that I'm sure part of you picked up on (but ignored) with your boyfriend, signs of his controlling behaviour, so you won't end up in this horrible situation ever again :)
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A
female
reader, busy04  +, writes (24 July 2009):
 What helps? What helps is you doing what you already know you should do...leave. If you like being unhappy, not loving him anymore, like being threatened, used, manipulated, taken mental advantage of and so on...then stay & be miserable.
But if you want true happiness & peace...leave. You just need to muster up all the strength, courage & willpower you have inside and do it. Make sure that you're really ready to step out, be confident, put your foot down, let him know that you've had enough & you won't deal with him anymore...you deserve better, you can have better! Love isn't & should not make you scared, you shouldn't be afraid of the man you're with, you should feel special & secure.
A relationship is not supposed to be manipulative, you're not supposed to tricked or lured into doing things that make you unhappy or doing things you just don't want to do. And yes you want to make you partner happy, but losing yourself and depriving yourself of love & true happiness on the way, just so they can be satisfied is not healthy. He may be the only boyfriend you've had, but there are other men in the world and there is one out there that will know how to treat you, and won't you use to get his way. You have spent 2.5 years with a controlling, immature, confused & unstable man. A real man doesn't have to try to make you feel guilty because you say no, a real man tries to understand & respect your decisions, not whine and complain when things don't go his way! A real man doesn't talk to you crudely, he will build you up & encourage you, not tear you down.
You've said that you don't love him anymore, and you can't have a true loving relationship without it...so do what needs to be done & stay strong about it. Don't look back, and don't cling to the past, relationships work when both partners are on the same page & put forth the same effort together. It may not have been right this time, but learn from this one so the next time you can be more prepared & more ready for true love.
Wish you the best!
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