A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met my boyfriend back in mid January of 2013. We were casually going out and 2 weeks in, something bad happened. Though still informal, I had asked if he was seeing anyone else and what we were. He knew I meant it in a lets be honest point of view, rather than a needy girl who desperately wanted a boyfriend. I am a very private person who is reserved and I believe I always avoided committment because I have trust issues. One Saturday night in February, I knew we weren't going to hangout and I thought it suspicious since we always saw each other everyday. He was texting me saying how guy friend invited him to a hotel party. I said go ahead and he responded how he was going to his grandmothers house instead, as Saturdays he used to visit (this is true). My gut told me he was lying but I played along saying he should go to the party still, etc. I must add his birthday was 2 days later. The next day we hung out at night for his birthday as I was the only one to celebrate with him. Before he walked me to my door, he said he had something to tell me. He admitted he lied and went to the hotel party. The truth was his friend kept it vague and said only he was invited (supposedly why I was not told). It turns out it was a surprise birthday his friends threw for him. I told him I knew he was lying and was really cold after. I did not kiss him goodnight and ignored him the next day, his actual birthday. He was sincerely apologetic and drove over as I was not answering his texts/calls. I will say this guy is very different from the rest and I was not even attracted to him at first. But I still found myself hurting after thinking how nice he was. Yet, after 2 weeks he did that. My parents and friends advise me how he is decent and very well didnt even have to tell me what he did that night! I disagree because if you like someone you should be honest. That's where my problem lies: I can handle the truth and always expected what I give; I know the world is not like that however. He told me he could never base a relationship on a lie and this why he told me (before we made it officia some time later). He repeatedly told me he had no idea it was for him, how he was very sad and emotional over not telling me and how he wished I was there so much to the point he over drank (he is not a huge drinker) so he could be numb over his lie. How he sat by the beach by himself while the party continued and his friends asked what was wrong. I believe him to an extent but still, it hurts. I asked if any particular girls were there (old hook ups) and he said no, just friends of friends and he did nothing at all. In the end, all of them didnt even stay the night in the hotel.Flash forward and it has been over 5 months we are together. He claims ever since that day he solidified his feelings and is completely committed to me (but of course right?! Because I gave him another chance and he technically had one last night of hurrah -.-)! While other minor things have happened, he is a great guy. I found myself unexpectedly falling for him and everyone around me tells me be he is a naive, and slow guy for his age (21). I will say he is pretty innocent.My problem is I keep replaying that night in my head and find myself always picking at things he has done to me that are wrong (including the minor things). My feelings are nothing new and I've said how maybe I'm not ready for a relationship if I am constantly dwelling on the hotel birthday night. I will also admit I have a huge tendency to always look for the negatives or flaws in things or people, so it's may play a role in my picking at an otherwise amazing person.I will add that at one point I lied to him and kept something from him for 10 days before telling him. It was not cheating or anything serious but it involved another guy whom I gave my # to (he was a friend of a friend who was being flirty but I gave it not meaning any potential interest). Nothing inappropriate happened. I still found myself seeing it (at the moment) nowhere near his mistake. I will say there is a HUGE difference: he told me less than a full day after and I told him 10 days after. His was before we were in a relationship and mine was not. I am not denying this. Also, he said he wanted to tell me the truth in person that day because otherwise he knew he would never see me again if said through text/phone. Please help me as I have heard everything but am in need for new words which can finally make me realize to live in the moment. He has expressed me as the love of his life, and his future wife. I truly value anyone's suggestions as I know this is very log. I appreciate it. I should add as of late, things are ok with us. Thank you very much!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2013): He was probably going to go to his grandmothers, but you told him he should go to the hotel party. He probably felt he had your permission, and he went...the rest was a surprise to him. You were only two weeks in to the relationship, and even though it really is a shame, that something has spoilt it for you, two weeks is not long, to start putting you as his first and priority in life... even though it sounds like, he mostly did...even then.He hasn't done anything wrong. You are disappointed it worked out that way, but he just went to a party without you. You have to let it go. But, if you really can't, then you may just have to loose something really fantastic, because you can not live with it eating you up inside for the rest of your life.He apologized, and came clean... forgive him. Absolutely just forgive him. What a gift you can give him. When ever if it comes up in your mind to bug you and upset you remind yourself that you 'have forgiven him' because he is a good guy, and he deserves it. Because in the bigger picture, it does not compare to how great he is in other ways. Give him the loving act of forgiveness.
A
female
reader, maria.niz  +, writes (15 August 2013):
Well, I understand that it is a serious relathionship with this guy, but let me ask you one question (and I know you're gonna hate me for this):Do you think you really love him?Because keeping on remembering that night means that your whole relationship has been created on a regret by your side. He might have changed, I am not saying so, but are you sure that you really want to move on from your past? I mean, if you would really love him, you wouldn't think about what happened, in my opinion. By the way, if you really want to live (and love) in the present, I think that firstly you should truly forgive HIM and YOURSELF. Stop regretting, think about all the good things you're sharing with your boyfriend. You can't erase what happened, but surely you have to understand how to cope with that. If you want to love, then you love freely, unboundly, completely spontaneously. just think about love itself, and then the past will soon disappear.
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