A
female
age
36-40,
*amiew15301
writes:How do I know what is normal in a relationship? Okay, here's my question(s) but first let me say I know I'm probably being over the top and am just looking for some insight while I wait for an appointment to see a counselor to discuss this.My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and I've always been pretty jealous. For some reason things wouldn't add up to me and I started snooping. We have a joint bank account and joint cell phone account, so we've always had each others passwords. He finally changed the password to our cell phone account and said he needed a break from my snooping even though I'd promised to stop. He said it wouldn't be months, he just needed some time. That was 6 months ago. He has our alerts going to his email and he has to be the one to call and make changes on our account now. About a month ago, I tried to log in to the account and managed to get in, only to find that he'd been talking to a girl he used to work with that I was always jealous of. He promised to always tell me when they talked, but he deleted those texts between them and never told me. Now I want to know, what is the right way to handle this situation? Do I leave him if he won't put our account password back to what it was? Or what's the right way to handle this?He says he has no patience for me anymore and criticizes me for being pathetic because I don't make as much money as him, but I feel like I possibly brought on the verbal abuse and name calling by being so suspicious. He also started a new job 8 months ago and hangs out with his coworkers, but hasn't let me meet them. I feel like I'm not ready to move out and move on, but I don't know what "normal" is in a situation like this. If I leave for these reasons, will I regret it later?Thank you to all that respond.
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female
reader, viccra78 +, writes (24 January 2011):
I think that his actions are because of the snooping. While being mean isn't the best way to handle things, neither is snooping. It can be very irritating and so is jealously.
I thing you both need to step back and take a breath and maybe start over with your own separate accounts to things.
A
female
reader, jamiew15301 +, writes (24 January 2011):
jamiew15301 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for responding. I guess part of the reason I let the password bother me so much is that I do wish I had the option to check and see if he was still talking to that girl. I also infuriate myself when I get to thinking that that is a joint account of ours and I have absolutely no access to it. He says the texts between he and that girl were completely harmless, but that he knew if he told me I'd flip out...but then why promise to tell me you'll let me know when you talk to her in the first place? He now says he'll change the pw back, but only if I stop asking questions about it and stop letting it bother me. That feels like a game to me. I'm not looking for an excuse to leave so much as hope from someone telling me I didn't waste 2 years of my life and hopefully some advice on how to make this situation better or what a normal situation like this looks like.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Ok, first off, talk to your counselor about trust issues. Snooping will never make you happy. Why? Because either you find something you really didn't want to find or you find nothing. Now, if you find nothing, you will start to imagine that he deleted everything and so forth. So having trust in a relationship is important.
As for the whole password thing. Well, you are his GF, NOT his mom, so I can't see why you would feel a need to check up on him, hoping to find something amiss maybe? I do find it suspicious that he is changing the PW over and over, but honestly, it might be his petty way of telling you to respect his privacy. (yes, people in a relationship needs a tad of privacy too. - doesn't mean keeping secrets, just respecting each other.)
I think the verbal abuse is ALL HIM, but you are allowing it, why? You didn't "make" him verbally abuse you. Who cares who makes the most money? Specially if you have a job you like!
You need to understand that YOU ARE in charge of how people treat you. Don't let people walk all over you, verbally or physically.
I'm not sure if you are looking for advice or a good excuse to break up with him? I would dump him for talking to the chick behind your back over the whole changing passwords. Seems to me that you two are finished with each other but haven't actually "dumped" each other. I don't think it sounds like a happy or healthy relationship.
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