A
female
age
,
*isskitty
writes:I have been married for 18 years and have a serious crush on my (4 months) new co-worker who has also been married for a long time. Both of us have spouses with health problems and would never leave them. My relationship with my husband is pretty much okay and I do love him, but the spark and everything that goes with it has been gone for a couple of years. I get the same idea about his marriage as well.I don't want to have an affair and I know everyone will say that's what it will lead to, but I really would like to have a not-sleeping-with relationship with him. Okay, I know, here it comes...Somebody out there has to understand that this can happen sometimes. I don't take this lightly. My question is, how do I know what he is thinking and how he feels? My observation and intuition tells me he is thinking the same thing, but I need to tread carefully.Please share your thoughts/experiences.
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female
reader, misskitty +, writes (9 September 2010):
misskitty is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Going to work becomes hard, concentrating becomes hard, it affects everything about you and your normal daily life."
This is definitely an accurate observation. I appreciate your very first-hand advice. These kind thoughts and opinions are very helpful to me - thank you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010):
Please consider this whole thing carefully.
I do keep advising people in this situation, because I am there as well myself (Actually falling very hard for a co-worker).
I know what you mean when you say you want to know how he feels, I also know that the only way you will find out is to actually ask him.
I can't do that myself, and so that advice will probably not be any good to you.
I can say though that, if you allow these crush feelings to go on, it will change to infatuation, and the more you get to know him, and 'FEEL' that he feels the same, your feelings will take over your everyday thoughts.
It is dangerous! Going to work becomes hard, concentrating becomes hard, it affects everything about you and your normal daily life.
Also be aware that he may decide to tell you how he feels out of the blue. You need to have decided what you will do about it, think it all through first, and know what you will answer with.On the other hand you could go on waiting for that forever!
I keep telling myself this.
If he has any feelings for you, he will tell you eventually.
In the meantime, try to be casual, try to get on with your work, try to do other things to take your mind off him a bit, it is hard, I know, but this not knowing thing could go on for months, and the longer it goes, the deeper and harder you will fall and it will start to eat you up!
If he is only being friendly because you have things in common, and you tell him how you feel, you will be very hurt, embarassed, and it will be even harder for you to face him at work, and have those 'just friends' feelings.
I wish you look caring for your husband, and I also understand that you need some affection as well.
Please don't tell him how you feel
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A
female
reader, misskitty +, writes (9 September 2010):
misskitty is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to these 3 people (2 female, one male) for your very insightful responses. They are thought provoking and it's clear that you read my concerns carefully. I am very appreciative and will consider very seriously what you have said. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): I understand that men and women can be just friends, because I'm a woman with friends who are men. I, however, am in a happy relationship whereas you describe your relationship as "pretty much okay" and without "spark." On top of that, you lead with the fact that you have a crush on this guy.
All that may make it complicated, but your question was simple: How do I know what he is thinking and how he feels? The answer is simple too: Ask him.
Buuuuuuut you said it yourself - tread carefully. It sounds like you're setting yourself up to be in a difficult position emotionally ,and I fear that in a few months you'll be one of those people posting the scenario we see so often: "I love my husband, but I've fallen in love with this other man at work." Search the boards. It's everywhere.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): I am a man and I know that no man will want to have a not-sleeping-with-you-relationship (isn't that just remaining coworkers). I have had crushes on co-workers but would never seek out a relationship both b/c I am married and b/c of problems it will likely cause at the job. 2 married co-workers having an affair will be a messy situation.
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A
female
reader, shapoopsy +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Sweet Misskitty, Of course you want to have conversations with one who really knows what you're going through, but I fear the potential for an emotional affair is far too great in this situation. Perhaps you could find this companionship in one who does not pose any threat to your relationship with your husband. You are asking about what he's thinking and how he feels, which tells me you are already in danger. If being faithful to your husband is your truest desire, then it might not be in your best interest to pursue anything more than a casual friendship with this person. Maybe you could visit with a neighbor or seek out the friendship of females who share your experience. There are tons of groups out there! Take care, ~Shapoopsy
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