A
female
age
30-35,
*issjaded
writes:He doesn't respect me enough to tell me about things when I told him everything about me and has lied to me. He wouldn't talk about his past, only the good things that happened and they were far and few in between. He knows my past, my present, literally everything I bared for him. Near Christmas, I noticed that he was texting somebody in the late hours of the night and when I asked him about it, he made up the lame excuse that his best friend had a secret even I was not privy to. He wouldn't even let me touch his phone and kept it with him at all times.My curiosity reached breaking point and I saw the messages and it broke my heart. He said that she was just an old school friend and that nothing went on. The messages told me otherwise. He has repeatedly asked for my forgiveness and showed how sorry he was. He said that he kept it from me because he thought I would be jealous. I am not a jealous person, but I felt cheated that he would think so low of me.And like a fool, I said we could wipe the slate clean but no more lies and secrets from now on. I even suggested we end our engagement until we both feel we're ready again. He said that he would do everything to make me trust him again yet he says that I should leave him and find another one whom I can trust.The trouble is, I'm still tortured about it. Are there other secrets? Are they still contacting each other? How long has this been going on? And more importantly, how can I let go and be able to trust him again?Please help.
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female
reader, missjaded +, writes (6 January 2011):
missjaded is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, a hearty big thank you to all those who have taken time to read and/or reply to my woes. It certainly helped to know that there are other people there who would listen when I thought nobody would. Again, I thank you.
As of the moment, he and I decided to give it another go. We have invested too much in this relationship to let it go so easily. I told him it was his final chance, and he knows I meant it. I may love him, but I'm no fool (at least that's what I'd like to think). I think at the end of it all, I still love him and want to trust him again. It's going to take a while, I know, but if my doubts and insecurities never go, and if my instinct tells me so, then I guess I have to bite the bullet.
It hurt to know that the person you trusted the most would be the one to ultimately break your heart. If there is more he is keeping from me, then this relationship has nothing going for it. I cannot keep on loving a man who does not love me enough to respect me. I thought I had Mr Right, right now he's Mr Seemed-OK-at-the-time.
You might think me stupid for wanting to stay, but I think it's time I listened to my heart for once instead of my head. Love has no logic about it, I found that out. I had promised myself never to take back someone who has hurt me; now I pay the price of letting all those walls down. This time, no matter how I rationalise, at the end of the day, the only person I can trust is myself--to make mistakes, to learn, to cry, to laugh, to live.
I may not love him anymore as much as I did but I am determined to live as I want. I decided not to be bound to his whims and words this time and take more care of myself. He told me I should look out for Number One, and I did, when he was my Number One. I want to be selfish now.
Should he be telling the truth at last and worthy of my trust, time will tell. For now, I just want to focus on me and stop endless nights of crying myself to sleep.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): "yet he says that I should leave him and find another one whom I can trust"
Yes, he is right, and he's almost certainly lying to you still.
You just found this out.
You are not married yet.
These are important issues. Married, with children, different story and more difficult to deal with. You would then need to work on a lot more. In this case, move on to someone who will treat you right. In marriages when both partners work on it hard, it takes months to get to the bottom of the truth barrel and find it all out.
Move on, get someone you can trust, he needs to work on his life and get his shit together so he can treat someone right in the future (or not do it and treat someone else bad).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): Dear friend, i have posted myself a text with regards to the same thing. The difference is that i am married with two kids. I had the same issue with the message where i caughed him one day and the message sent by him to her wasnt nice at all. Like your situation, he said it was nothing and stupid. He asked for forgiveness and i gave that to him. though, he said i cannot tell him with whom he should be friends with. And he continued being friends with her. This will never stop i guess and i am never rested since i have never really forgave him. it is not as simple to leave him since i have my kids to think about and actually... i do not have any true evidence that he is cheating on me... more or less is my guessings after that incident. little things he does that makes me wonder. the important thing here is that i am not rested, i have become like a dedective and thats not healty at all!! if you do not trust him after what he did and he does little things that make you wonder... i suggest you leave. making a family with that person will most probably make you unhappy. I know you love him and you believe he loves you too. I feel the same! but things got out of hand here. dont make the same mistake.
wish you all the luck.
if you want to discuss this privatly, do so!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): He doesnt have to tell you about his past,it will come out a bit at a time anyway. The present is more important,and that as it looks isnt looking good. To be be truthful I dont think your future is looking very good either. He has caused the lack of trust, so dont feel bad about it. I expect more to follow with the same shit but better hidden I would end it and wait for a more honest one to come along. He kept it from you hoping you dont find out,not to stop you being jealous.
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A
female
reader, ashmarr  +, writes (5 January 2011):
I've been through this same thing. If they lie about something that important then they are going to lie again to hide it. I would say something had to have went on or he wanted something to go on if he went to such great lengths to keep you from seeing his phone. When a man can lie straight to your face and hurt you that badly then he's bound to do it again and he isnt taking your relationship, let alone engagement seriously at all.. Hope all is well
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A
female
reader, chaoscutiek +, writes (5 January 2011):
Broken trust isn't easily fixed. I have a lot of trust issues with men myself. I've been with three different men that cheated on me, they all said the same thing...."I love you...please find it in your heart to forgive me? It will never happen again...I promiss." They all three lied to me again. I know there are a lot of fish in the sea. But you will find some one who treats you better that will love and respect you and won't hide things behind your back. One day you will find mr right. Good luck
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