A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a same-sex relationship and have been with my partner for almost four years. She is almost 20 years older than me and while I don't feel that the age difference is a problem, it seems her past is holding her back from having a happy relationship with me.She was with her ex for 12 years and they split a few months before we met. It became clear that she was not over her ex and I found a few things that showed she wanted her back. I have been hurt so badly by this, the feeling that I was just a replacement as my partner didn't want to be alone. This feeling is reinforced by the way I seem to be second best, her lowest priority before anyone else.She has known her best friend for 30 years and her personality can be quite controlling, my partner does anything she says and I'm left on my own while they go places together. On her day off, the only day we can spend together, she'll choose to go out with her friend. We never normally go anywhere or do anything and I'm getting really bored. Our sex life is almost non existant, twice a month usually. She always seems to be in a bad mood when she gets home as if she resents me in some way. She always seems more cheerful when other people are around so I feel like I'm making her unhappy in some way. She says she loves me and isn't going off me, I've tried to talk to her about it but maybe I'm beginning to see that I'm never going to be Number 1 in her life. I don't ask to come first all the time, but it would be nice to feel wanted and that she actually enjoys spending time with me.I have thought about leaving even though I love her and will do anything to make this work. But now this is twice as hard as she has had a biopsy taken for suspected cancer and the results are not clear, we find out next month if she is to begin treatment. Is this MY problem and that I'm being too demanding or does it sound like she's not interested in me and I'm only her to replace her ex?Until her test results come back I don't know what to do as I'm so scared I'm going to lose her either way.
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best friend, her ex, her past, sex life Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmm, I doubt she is cheating but thanks for the reply.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSad as it sounds, I don't have any real friends where I live now. I moved away from my friends, family etc when we decided to get a place together so it's difficult for me to just 'meet up for a coffee' with someone. This is why I think maybe I am being too demanding, as I don't have a lot of other people to spend time with. Even if I had a wide social circle, I would still keep a day clear when we had a day off to go out and spend time together. When I asked why she couldn't arrange to see her friend another day, she replied that this was the only day her friend had off. Same here lol so I can't help but think she prefers to spend time with someone else. I'm trying not to assume or overthnk these things. She says "but I'm with you every night" but doesn't understand that staring at the tv is hardly what you'd call quality time.
At this point in time, I don't know what to do to sort this out. Part of me feels that I should start going off and doing my own thing, going out without her, things like that. But I can't help think that that would just create a bigger divide and I should be trying to fix this. Two wrongs don't make it right etc. My confidence is quite low just now, I need to lose some weight and this is getting me down also.
I've stopped smoking (because of her biopsy result) so think it's maybe a good idea if the time I spend away from her should be at the gym, getting fit, losing weight and feeling better. Doing something for me, instead of to spite her.
A certain part of the fear is that if we do split up, the practical things are going to be a nightmare. As I mentioned, I moved here to be with her so I don't really have anything here, I sold all my furniture, left my friends so it's not gonna be easy to just move out and stay with a friend until I find another place to stay. We are joint tenants here but it's very much 'her house' and while I know where I stand legally, I know she would never move out.
If I had known that things would be like this, I don't know if I would have moved here at all.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 January 2011):
 I wish had better advice to give :)
I do like spoilt brat behaviour though... it is sometimes necessary when we are being ignored and we want to send a loud message.
Your problem is not unique... we have many people in similar dysfunctional relationships here on dear cupid. In the end, it comes down to, if the person will not change and make you feel good, then you have to leave..
Go away and spend time with your friends.. a break away will help to clear the air and give you some time to think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSigh... nothing's changed. Ironically we're decorating the house and part of me is wondering if I'll still be here when the paint has dried. I won't show this to her as I am pretty sure how she would react.
Tomorrow is our day off and she is going shopping with her friend as planned. I may hijack their outing as I'm so fed up of being left indoors like a dog. I hate when people bring out this side to me but maybe if I behave like a selfish, awkward spoilt brat, it may go in my favour.
I wish I had the courage to make a decision here but I don't know what to do for the best.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 January 2011):
One more idea... it may work or it may end your relationship. Sometimes we advise people to show their posts to their partner, so that everything is out in the open and they can see how desperate you feel.
She just doesn't seem to realise how unfair she's being or how distressed you are.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 January 2011):
I got up early this morning, guess I waiting for some good news from you..
Sigh.. I'm not used to female-female relationships.. I sure wish you could have stamped your foot, made a scene and started to cry because your night was ruined.. that's what women in male-female relationships do... sigh..
Hope you don't ignore last night.. I think you have every right to point out that you can't have a romantic evening with 3 people involved..
I'm so sorry sweetheart... I can hear how pissed off you feel. Your woman can't see the woods for the trees.. misery likes company and this woman friend would be very glad if she was single.
How much more can you stand? Your young, intelligent and sensible, and I'll assume your desirable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, an update on last night:I arranged to meet her after she was done at work before we went to cinema and - what a surprise - when I called her, she said her friend was with her and she was on her way to where I was. I told her that her friend wasn't to come with us and when they turned up her friend played the sympathy game cos she clearly wasn't invited. I don't know what they had been talking about but her friend was sort of laughing and obviously wanting me kept out of the joke so I walked away. I wish my girlfriend could see that her friend is limiting her from having friendships and relationships beyond her.And yes, I would tend to think that she needed to find someone for herself but she is already with someone! Her partner never goes out and has some health issues that is straining their relationship so she just stays at home. So when it comes to social functions, nights out with work, shopping at weekends, things you would normally take your partner to - my girlfriend has to go in place of the one who doesn't want to go anywhere. I've said already that it's not her place to do that and that they should work on their relationship. I guess my girlfriend feels bad for her friend and doesn't want her going places alone but ultimately it's our relationship that is suffering because of it. I'm not the type of person who would make her 'choose' between me and her friend, there should be room for both of us in her life but I wish she could see that she's spending too much time making sure her friend is happy and neglecting time together with me. A while ago while trying to point this out to her, she made a comment like "She's my friend and she's not going to go away..." - in other words "you'll go before she does" which kinda showed me that this is not gonna be easy.I have been so stressed at work recently so my time off if precious but the only day we have together this week is being spent with her friend. I've said I'm not happy about this and said that I would go back to my hometown as I'm fed up and need a night out - a mild threat to go out to the bars without her, which I know kind of makes her jealous. I don't want to play these sort of games but it seems the only way to get a reaction or for her to pay attention.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 January 2011):
Sorry, missed the four years part. Yes, you have a lot invested, too much to walk away easily.
You deserve better, you and I both know this. And after 4years, she should be over the rebound thing. If this were a woman-man relationship, I would say your partner is lazy, inconsiderate and selfish. That's what it seems like to me.
Hope you have a good dinner. I think a regular routine of a night in or a night out, just the two of you together would be a start. Relationships need privacy, time and romance to help with bonding. Maybe her bad temper and lack of sex drive is to do with worries about cancer.
Try to make a date with her every week. Sometimes go out and sometimes just stay at home and cuddle and kiss. The friend is not invited, and you've every right to tell her she's just spoiled a romantic night if she doesn't get the message.
Sounds like her friend needs a partner of her own. Maybe she likes your partner and wants her as more than a friend?
Forget about the ex... that's dead now. I'm more concerned about her friend and the way your being ignored. You sound like a sensible woman. Try talking and try romance, and if things don't improve, well, you may have some hard choices to make. If your partner's behaviour doesn't improve, I suggest you go out and spend time with friends who will help you feel loved and cared for.... That might spark some jealousy, give her reason to miss you, and warn her that a future without you will be little fun.
I wish you well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply.
Her ex was younger also and while I have tried talking to her about this, about her ex and that I feel like an inconvenience in her life she has said that she doesn't want her ex back and that she's happy with me etc.
When I first met her, I knew about the ex and asked her about it, concerned that I was just a rebound thing but she said that they were falling apart for a long time so I thought maybe she was prepared to move on to someone else. I feel angry that she knew the score back then and I walked in blindly and all that time I was just being used. That's what hurt the most. While I am younger than her, I'm not a silly kid and expecting a rose garden or happy-ever-afters. I know relationships take a lot of work but only worth it if the people involved are gaining something positive.
Her friend doesn't help this either as whenever I try to arrange a night out as a couple or go somewhere at the weekend, her friend just invites herself along and my girlfriend can't or doesn't no how to say no. She mentioned that part of the reason for arguing with her ex is that she badmouthed and tried to 'drive a wedge' between her and this friend. So I can see that this may have been a problem before I came along. We're going to the cinema this evening (hopefully just the two of us) and I plan to talk to her later about what's going on.
I never expected to suddenly become the centre of her life and for her routines or friends to change to fit around me but I sometimes feel more like a flatmate than her girlfriend. If, after four years together, she is still not over her ex then I don't think this will ever work.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 January 2011):
Together for 12 years, only split a couple months before you turned up, have you never heard of rebound....Sorry... but when we are with people for a long time, we expect to stay with them until we die. When a split occurs, we want them back because we want the same life we had before. Most human's don't like change.All of this is more difficult if you are younger than her last partner.When we start dating again, we do so, not because we fall in love with someone else, but because we are lonely or are tired of being the only single person in town. Unfortunately, we still have thoughts and memories about our ex-partner, and it's uncontrollable, the thoughts come no matter what we do. Maybe a certain song, maybe a certain word, sometimes people even dream about their ex-partners.We start to remember them fondly and only remember the good times and not the bad, the new partner finds it difficult to compete.I think age matters a lot in your case. She has friends she has known before you were born, she has routines, and is set in her way. She's being rude though, she should know that a young girl in love in a new relationship expects a hell of a lot more than she is giving to you. I think you should tell her just what you told us here. How you feel ignored, how you are tired of doing without sex, how you are beginning to feel used. Do not stay with her out of pity. If she has cancer, she does not need you, she has friends around who will be there to support you.She is always in a bad mood, she seems to avoid you... sigh.. go talk to her. I think this relationship needs to be ended before you get hurt more than your being hurt already.Again, sorry... maybe if you meet again next year, when she has had time to get over her last relationship, things will progress better.
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