A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am an American man in my early 40s. I joined a European dating site 4 or 5 months ago out of curiosity. I've never been married, never related so well to Americans. Always liked Europeans more. I am employed but shy, never so good with women.I met a woman, a musician. She is in her late 30s, divorced for 6 years after an 11-year marriage. Very pretty, very sweet, very smart. She has a degree from a top conservatory in her country. Her English is not great but we can communicate through a translator. We talk about ideas, movies, her work, a little of my work. We began writing every so often and then it became every day. We have been communicating every day via email. I let my subscription run out on the Web site. I find myself thinking about her all the time. My friends think it's a bad direction. They say the difference between her country and the US is more vast than I know, and it is a different mentality. She has little money. They say I am falling in love with an image in my mind, then it is easy to be sweet over the Internet, and that ultimately, she is interested in me for the main reason of coming to the US.She makes no illusion that she is unhappy in her country and that she wants to come to the US. She cannot get good music work over there and she wants the freedom here.In the back of my mind, I can't help wondering if my friends are right. So I am turning to you, wise Cupids, for advice.Here is the problem:She is pretty, smart, charming. Yet she is single. She told me she had many lovers since the divorce but many of these people were married and she broke it off as soon as she learned this. She says men from her country are not ethical and wants an American man who will not beat her. But I wonder: -She is very desirable...how can I be sure she is sincere? -Can you really know someone from the Internet? And by Internet, I mean email. We have never skyped. I suggested it a couple times but she didn't want.-Is it really possible in 6 years she could not find love in her country?-She is very flowery in her praise of me, almost too much. Is that a red flag? -Finally, is there any hope of this working out or am I just being used?Thank you very much.
View related questions:
divorce, money, shy, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016): Hey there, welcome to the female musicians.., im a singer too, and im asian living in germany. My husband passed away. I meet a new guy in dating site too, we meet, we talk, we become gf, bf. im sincere and honest to him, thats for sure. i tell you what. Most of us ( musicians ) we are sensitive, more emotional. people see us just happy outside, but we are sensitive. I dont know your gf, but at least im speaking about me being a musician too. Maybe your gf is just thinking the same as i am thinking about my bf too. Maybe my bf is not sincere to me, maybe my bf is just using me. ( who knows? But i hope not ) the only thing you can do now, is meet her. Look for this SPARK" this feelings connection. Be strong enough to control your self. Watch your feelings, look in the eyes, if you see spark ( both of you ) search for chemistry, its important. We are not getting younger at all, we have to be careful to our emotions, feelings and to our heart. Visit her, be safe, be smart, be strong and good luck ;)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016): Even if this isn't a scam (and it really sounds like it is) there is already a major issue that you have to use a translator to communicate that is pretty nutty! I say this as a european myself who is in a relationship with a man from another european country. I hardly speak his language his english is excellent and we still have many misunderstandings due to language and cultural stuff. When i visit his country with him (we both live in my country) none of his family speak english i have to rely on him 100% which is why i am trying to learn. I cannot possibly imagine having a relationship with someone where we do not share a mutual fluent language,let alone someone who lives in another country,i have never met and needs me to get more access to my country. There are way to many hurdles here whether legit or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (13 February 2016):
Hi there,
Whatever happens, please do *not* travel to visit her, or do anything else rash like that, unless you can confirm that she is who she says she is.
OK now, regarding your questions.
Yes I do think that it's possible to know someone over the internet - like penpals were, earlier. Only, the probability of getting 'catfish'-ed is very high these days. So you have to be careful.
Do *not* give personal information regarding finances or such online. (I know you didn't mention anything like this, but just want to give it some emphasis.)
Whatever you wrote about her not finding love there, etc - it's all possible. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be careful.
I found this video on YouTube about how to spot a catfish online by user GradeAUnderA - https: // www. youtube. com/ watch?v=LagwG7bieEA (remove the spaces to watch and the actual information starts from 3:59). It's a funny video but if you find the language distasteful I can just list some important points that he mentions.
- First thing is that her photo might not be real, but could be stolen from someone else's profile. So what you can do is the following:
- Right-click her photo.
- Click on the option 'Save Image As'
- And save the image.
- Then go to 'Google Images'.
- The place where you can type for things to search, right next to that there is a grey coloured camera icon.
- On simply placing your mouse over it it'll show 'Search by Image'. Click on that.
- Then you can upload that image on the 'Upload an Image' tab and search.
Chances are, if she has taken the images from some popular social media person, then you will find it on Google Images.
If you don't find any hits, proceed to the next step.
- She is not comfortable Skype-ing. That's fine. But ask her to send you a picture of herself holding a page that has your name and today's date written on it by her. That ensures that she hasn't taken the photos from someone else's profile.
Finally, let's assume that you have managed to verify that she looks the same as in her profile photo.
Even then, can you be sure of her motives in getting to know you? Maybe she felt you were simple and kind enough to get to know and that you would help her in getting a green card to the US? I'm sorry I don't want you to feel bad but you really have to be careful.
If you start asking her all these questions and she gets riled up and threatens to end all communication, do not get rattled. If she really wants to know you, truly, then she should understand that these are normal concerns that anyone in your position would have. So if there is any backlash from her side, I wouldn't count that as a good sign.
Whatever you said about her life, it's all possible. And it is also possible that you two have a wonderful romance and get together. But when you are keeping yourself open to this new relationship, you should also be open to all other possibilities - mainly about her not being what she says she is - as well.
Wishing you all the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016): "She is very desirable...how can I be sure she is sincere?"
You can't. All you know about her is what she tells you, and you have no way of verifying if it's the truth or (much more likely) a combination of misrepresentations, exaggerations and outright lies.
"Can you really know someone from the Internet? And by Internet, I mean email. We have never skyped. I suggested it a couple times but she didn't want."
No. And her refusal to skype should be a HUGE red flag. If you don't know what she looks like, then she could be ANYONE (likely to be grossly obese and/or male) sending you images stolen from some unsuspecting person's social media account.
"Is it really possible in 6 years she could not find love in her country?"
It's possible, but it's much more probable that she's handing you a BS sob story to elicit false sympathy.
"She is very flowery in her praise of me, almost too much. Is that a red flag?"
Yes, a HUGE one. She's telling you what you want to hear in order to get what she wants from you.
"Finally, is there any hope of this working out or am I just being used?"
I'd say the chances are roughly .00001% and 99.99999%, respectively and in that order.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 February 2016):
 I think you need to get some internet savvy. Read up on love scams. http://www.419eater.com
Or watch some very fascinating shows here: http://www.mtv.com/shows/catfish-the-tv-show
https://www.fbi.gov/sandiego/press-releases/2013/looking-for-love-beware-of-online-dating-scams
You communicate through a translator and haven't skyped. Red flags abound.
Start doing some research and recognize that you may be a victim of a love scam.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (13 February 2016):
 Hi
Why don't you go and visit her?
You'll know then won't you
What's stopping you?
Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016): Well, Europe is a very vast continent. I live in France now, but I come from a small European country with shitty passports and even shittier life. And I have seen with my own eyes what some of my peers were ready to go through and do in order to build a better life for themselves in another country (some of them went to the US, yes, some of them went to the EU). Most of them got married and had children with other nationals, some of them had children first and then got married. But they all got passports through their spouses. Sorry.
I was lucky. My husband an I moved together to another country to study and the found work. It's a completely different story. But we were extremely motivated to leave and even though I do not justify by any means the kind of behavior I've just described, I know where it comes from.
Be very VERY careful.
I am not saying one cannot find love through dating sites and that all people coming from small and poor countries are fishing for spouses with good passports, but statistically speaking, your chances of finding true love this way are very slim.
You are facing "normal" problems people have when deciding to try internet dating and problems that are linked to your special situation.
Maybe you could test the whole thing before getting hooked. Instead of her coming to see you it's better if you went and saw her (when and if this step is discussed).
It is possible to be single for far longer than six years but she can be also single because she looks for a certain type of men. (including position, money, passport etc.).
And saying that all MEN in her country are unethical is childish. Unless she comes from a severely undemocratic society or a corrupted society or a traditional, patriarchal society (I cannot think of a European country with these issues... Albania? Kosovo? Bosnia?), her position as woman cannot be that bad.
What bothers me is that she wouldn't Skype. What reasons does she give you? Honestly, it could all also be a scam. At some point she may ask for money. And to point out the obvious, how do you know that it's a she, let alone anything else she says to be true. Emailing proves nothing.
And. Yes. She barely knows you and she already adores you. Major red flag. She's either trying to manipulate you or has some mental/emotional issues.
If you want to meet people from Europe, try getting a job here. It will give you an opportunity to meet people as well and who knows then... Travelling is fine, but it doesn't really give you a real picture. If you really feel that you'd be better off in whatever sense, give it a try. We've live din France for over 10 years, my husband and I, and we absolutely love it.
I don't want to sound negative, but everything you say about her sounds rather unconvincing.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016): Please be careful when it comes to online dating. People can lie about their looks, identity and intentions. Listen to your guts. Do you have a good feeling about this relatinship? Ask yourself does it feel real? Does it feel right? Your friends love you and care about you. Have you ever watched the show "my 90 days fiance"? People will do anything for the green card. I agree with what mystiquek said!! Why she doesn't want to skype? I find it a bit suspicious. It is possible that this woman is a genuine and a caring woman who is looking for true love but maybe she is playing an innocent person who is capable of not showing her true self until it's too late. Look after yourself and find someone local who share the same values. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 February 2016):
 You may have to travel there to find out. Think of it as a vacation if you don't come home feeling that she can be your wife. You can get a feel of her and listen to her play her instrument. However if you are just "curious" about that dating site it might be a bother to do all that.
If she doesn't want to skype she may be unattractive or overweight. Or she put on a fake photo. She may even have a noisy kid in the background that she did not want you to know about.
It's possible she can love you. Life can be brutal and nasty in some countries. It's like in a shelter your pick an abused or neglected cat. It can have behaviorial issues, it can also love you very much. It's a risk. You are on the European dating site because you believe you can't find love in your own country.
You may feel her praise of you as phony but it can also be desperation that she wants to live in a better place.
Don't expect her to find a job as a music teacher though. If you have a foreign bride you have to prepare to take care of her forever. The US conservatories have had an influx of Eastern European teachers. Many came because they have family, connection, or teacher-student lineage that stretches all the way back to Tchaikovsky or Bartok. Some came as refugees because of civil war. If her English is not good she will need a few years to get comfortable with the language before she begins to think about jobs.
There are success stories of international dating. You don't have to give up on it, but at the same time the woman does not have to be her if you suspect about the red flags.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (12 February 2016):
 I cannot state this strong enough...Be VERY VERY careful in your feelings and dealings with this woman. There are so many stories of men getting screwed over by "internet romance"!!
I see 2 red flags right from the start...She wants to move to the US and she won't skype with you. WHY won't she skype with you??? What is her reasoning? Don't you find that highly suspicious???? If you don't you should! Make her explain why and don't just let her get away with "Its late, I don't feel good, ect"...Be very wary about this! More than likely she won't skype with you because she doesn't look like what she says and she isn't who she wants you to think she is.
I can understand about wanting to come to the US of course, but thats what they all want..to get over here, and then screw the guy out of alot of money.
I hate to pop your bubble friend..but be careful! Don't let the rose colored glasses of love cloud your reason. Most overseas romances are not what they appear to be. If she starts asking for money...end it. I don't care what her excuses are..END IT!
...............................
|
