A
female
age
36-40,
*arah4
writes:Dear cupid, I met with this guy 6 years before, in a plane while i was 17. He is a pilot and I was just finishing my high school and about to start my university life and was heading to my allocated campus. I was with my dad and since we arrived to the airport late almost all the sits of the airplane were taken and since i was little and it was my first time in plane my dad suggested for me to sit in the middle of the pilot crues for me not to be scared and everything. That particular flight was not meant to be for passengers. It was for examining a trainee pilot. It's finally that they allowed passengers who missed the previous flight to fly with the trainee pilots and examiners...just not to make the passengers wait till the next day or week for their flight. Hence there were about 4 pilots in the plane. The student pilot and the examiners. The pilot who sat next to me was also one of the examiner. Then my dad sat around the place of the purser coz all the sits were taken. The pilot next to me treated me very well. He made me feel comfortable throughout the whole flight through his wonderful and funny jokes and everything. Even though it was my very first flight, I enjoyed it. Finally we exchanged phone #s and since then we started communicating through phone. But at that time since all my focus was on my education i couldn't agree to his love requests. He was around 29 @ that time. And after a while our phone communication was disconnected ...coz he lost his phone and my # as well. Me...i dunno i also stopped calling when he stopped calling.But after like 6 years that means this year, i heard a news about some plane crush and i was shocked coz there could be a possibility that he could be in it. I looked for his # from my previous phone books and called him and checked that he was safe. He was so touched by my concern and thanked me many times. He also told me that he was so sad and annoyed that he lost my # and our communication was disconnected and everything. Since then our communication was restored. He keeps on calling me 24/7 and nagging me to meet him just to have a cup of coffee and talk about how things r going in our lives. Then we met. Mind u that it was after 6 years that we saw each other and I'm now 23 and has already earned a Bsc Degree and looking forward to continue with my Masters study, and he's around 36 now and has grown with his career and became a senior pilot. Then we met in person after 6 years. Starting from the day that we saw each other again he keeps on nagging me again and again through phone calls and everything to be his girl friend. He also tells me that he wants me to be his life long partner that he once we become friends he is not gonna leave me for the rest of his life and everything. Me i had a relationship back in campus which lasts only for 2 months coz of the reason that I didn't wanna start sex at that time. After that I haven't been in any other relationship coz i know that the next Question is about having sex.Back to my story, With this pilot,after a lot of nagging moments and his begging and everything i finally agreed to give it a shot and be his girlfriend. But i was not that excited about the r/ship as much as he is...I was just giving him a chance coz i couldn't handle his begging any more. We didn't discuss about sex at first. But now after being together like a month and a a half he starts to pop the Question about doing sex with him. As i mentioned before i'm 23 and still a virgin. He is around 36. Apart from this I don't have an intention of starting sex at all until i reached to a goal that i planned to accomplish...like doing my Masters and Phd. At first I thought that our friendship wouldn't involve sex. But he keeps on nagging me again and again that in any girlfriend-boyfriend relationship there is no such thing as not wanting or not having sex. It is the determining factor bla bla bla. So i'm confused here coz these couple of weeks whenever we meet and through phone calls all what he talks about is to make me start doing it. He even cries in front of me saying that if i don't get everything from my finance from whom can I get it bla bla? Oh the other thing whenever he flies to any country he brings me many expensive gifts without me asking him to do so... like expensive perfumes, clothings, shoes ....I sometimes wonder whether he is manipulating me into doing it...or if he is doing it as i am his girlfriend and from his neat heart. Well one thing that I know now is that I don't wanna start sex with him or anybody else right now. So what can I do....shall i leave him....? Or is he being realistic? Shall i believe what he says? At the same time i don't want to upset him and feel sorry coz of me. On the other hand i wonder if it is true that there is no sexless relationship in this world. (At least until both the partners are ready to do so?) How would i know that he doesn't leave me the next day he gets what he wants? Am i being old fashioned and selfish or is my decision of not having sex right now logically right? Please I need your advise. Help me out please
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 May 2010):
 I dont think you should give him so much credit for not using his strenght and raping you. In that respect every man should be praised for not raping women 24/7. A man can easily control his "needs" this way and NOT have sex. Just because he WANTS sex doesn't make it something "a man needs". He can control his desires just as much as women control their desires. Why should you give him extra respect for his ability to NOT RAPE YOU? That is not something to respect, that is something to expect!
As for how to break up with him, be honest. You feelings aren't mutual, and you aren't in love with him. You want different things at this moment in life, you want to finish yoru education before you decide whether to have sex or not, and he wants a sexual relationship right now. You aren't that interested in the kind of relationship he wans, so your interests are different. I am sure they differ at other areas as well if you think about it. He is so much older than you, he already has a job, he might want to settle down soon?
Anyway, there is no way to do this without hurting him, you just have to face that. Be strong and firm. I suggest tell him to his face, but perhaps make sure you two are not alone in the house when you tell him, if you are afraid that he might not be able to "control his needs" once you break it off. But simply be honest and upfront. He's not what you are looking for right now and you don't have the same feelings for him as he has for you. You don't see this relationship working out.
A
female
reader, Sarah4 +, writes (8 May 2010):
Sarah4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much everyone for taking your time for dropping your comments. All of ‘em were very helpful for me and I really appreciate it. Hence I’ve decided to break up. So the next point is how do I get to break up with him without breaking his heart too much. Obviously, after all it will not be an easy thing to do but how do you suggest me to do so? Through phone? Through email? Or In Person? And what word should I exactly say at first and what should I not say. I’m so concerned this much not to hurt his feelings coz no matter how nagging he was and how much of a beggar and a pusher he had been for convincing me to start sex with him he didn’t make any move beyond my intention. He always tells me that “no matter how I am eager to have sex with you, I don’t wanna do it without your permission and make you blame me and hate me for the rest of your life and lose you.” Even there were incidents that we ended up in a room alone, all by ourselves kissing each other and everything but when he begs me into doing it and I refused to do so he wouldn’t dare to use his strength and power to do it. Instead he tries to suppress his manhood emotions and everything not to do the wrong thing and made me upset and ruin the relationship.I respect him very much for this particular reason and feel that I owe him one even though @ the same time I totally understand that he is hurting himself. So as far as I thought over the whole thing again and again the final solution seems to me that to end the relationship. Because, me I should go for my dream which is doing my masters, phd and everything and him I guess he should find someone who can offer him everything that he wants from a girlfriend without any restriction. so how do I tell him that it’s Over coz….what I can understand from his intentions is that what he still believes is, I would still change my mind and agree with his idea as much as I agreed to be his girlfriend after a lot of nagging and convincing moments. And obviously this time this is not gonna happen and I’m sure that it will be a devastating moment for him. So how should I do it and what things should I say to let him know that this whole thing just has to be over?
Once again many many thanks indeed
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A
female
reader, Madalo 1  +, writes (7 May 2010):
Dont have sex till u have your phd.Let him go,he's not worth it.He'll only confuse you,and he'll make you compromise your goal:you'll have sex with him then you'll end up feeling bad about yourself.I must say,not many women will reach that far being virgins.Congrats...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): With all do respect why are you with this guy if you only got with him because he "nagged" and "begged"??? Sounds like you didnt want to be with him in the first place but more focused on your needs in life. do yourself both a favour and end it, it takes two people to make a relationship work, if you dont want in then simply leave him.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 May 2010):
Red flags all around! This man just wants sex with you. He has little respect for you and I think he is a player! If a man respects you he will NOT nag! This man has been nagging and basically BULLYING you into a relationship with him. He is much older and tries to fool you ito having sex with him, just because he thinks you will believe anything he says!
Let him get tested for STD's, if he is a player (as it sounds like) he could be having sex with many other women at the same time and possibly have a disease. I would not trust this man. Here's why:
-He is much older than you, and he tried to get with you when you were only 17 and he was an adult man, I feel this is crossing the line.
-The only reason you are with him now is because for years and years he has been nagging you into it. You are not in love with him, and I highly doubt he is in love with you!
-If he truly IS in love, and he has been nagging for years to be with you, he would be so happy to be with you finally that he'd kiss the ground you walk on. But instead of making you feel special and wonderful, he is nagging you again! After only a month! He is only demanding this and that.
-If he truly loved you he would have never nagged on you about anything, and if he truly loves you he would respect it when you say no to sex. He is telling you lies about how a relationship needs to be and is trying to MANIPULATE you by crying in front of you.
Let me tell you about sex, although it is normal in a grown up relationship to have sex, it is also normal to WAIT until the time is right in the relationship, and many wish to wait until they are in love, or until they know that they are serious about this relationship and wants to have sex with each other. This man is making sex into a thing that must be done as soon as possible, which means he doesnt think sex is special and only wants you for your body. And most of all, this man doesn't respect that you are not ready yet. Sex must be MUTUALLY agreed upon, and so far he is the only one who wants it and doesn't respect you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): It's not nice when a 29 year old man hits on a 17 year old girl...this is your first clue. It all sounds wrong and wierd frankly..sorry.
People in adult relationships generally do like to have sexual contact, but the choice to refrain is entirely individual and should be totally respected.
I am a little confused about your decision to wait until you have finished your studies to start having sex...how long do you think it takes??!! Is it that you just want to wait or feel he is wrong for you but feel unable to withstand his advances?
If he is right he will wait, but I suspect sadly he won't. Good luck, and be assertive about what you want in life.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (6 May 2010):
 He nagged you into being his girlfriend, and then tells you that being boyfriend/girlfriend requires sex? I think that the only solution here, if you are not ready for sex, is to not be boyfriend/girlfriend. You simply become friends. He is free to meet other women and establish romantic/sexual relationships with them. You can complete your education.
I'm a bit suspicious at how quickly he started saying that he wanted you to be his life partner. That might sound romantic but it is rushing things too fast.
If I were you, based on your desire to finish school and not have sex yet, I would break up with him. Then not listen to the nagging. If he is seriously that in love with you, then he can wait. He can have other sexual and romantic relationships if he can't stand the wait.
Only you can determine for yourself when you want to have sex. If you don't want to have it now, then you can't be his girlfriend, it seems to me. So let him go and he can find someone else.
Good luck with your schooling and the work/study/play/friends balance in your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): Stay virgin pls deary cos he is only trying to manipulate u into given him what he want. If he really love's u he will understand u and also have patience,respect etc. Dont give in, cos u will later regret it.be careful hope this help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): Hi!it quite true that there is no sexless relationship unless you are both young and want to wait. it is different with your situation since he is more matured than you are so he can't live without sex in a relationship. If you do not want to have sex with him because you feel like you are not ready then don't do it, otherwise you will end up regretting it afterwards which can even make you guys separate. Your boyfriend is just being realistic, i think he buys you presents because you are his girlfriend which is very normal in a relationship. I respect your decision of not wanting to have sex now therefore i advise you to break up with him because he is not gonna wait for you untill you are ready without cheating on you . He will end up having sex with other woman and still be with you if he agrees to wait. Is that what you want? mind you he is not a boy, he is a man.good luck!
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