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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: How can I know if my boyfriend's sexual behaviour has been "brainwashed" by porn?We're both fairly young so porn was very available during our teenage years. We're also both inexperienced. So he must've learned everything he knows from porn.I'm asking because I read some facts on some anti porn site that was a bit disturbing. I realize an anti porn site will have a heavily biased opinion, but they had facts and stories about men who got hooked on porn and ceased to get aroused by avergae women and regular sex. They wanted porn look alikes and animalistic sex with no foreplay and pure pleasure. They wanted fantasy to become reality. These were regular men who "turned" into addicts.How do I know if my boyfriend's sexual behaviour has been too influenced by porn? He's a very sweet and loving man, but when we have sex he can get a bit aggressive (aggressive, NOT violent). We've tried anal 'cos he wanted to, and he wants to try deep throating. The sex has never been romantic, except for the cuddling afterwards. He's also said porn stars are hot and have to be hot, but they're fake, plus he loves me so I shouldn't be insecure.Should I be concerned his porn use may transform him and I won't pleasure him anymore? And that he might get unrealistic expectations? I'm scared, because he once said "I LOVE having sex with you, because you are open minded and let me try anything!" (like anal).He doesn't use much porn, and he mostly watches amateur. He knows I get a bit insecure, but he tries to reassure me, even though he's getting tired of my insecurities. So I don't want to bring this topic up because he's too fed up with my insecurities.I don't want a porn debate, please. I just want to know if I should be concerned, and how can I know if he's getting unrealistic expectations from porn? And if he'll want to try rougher fantasies later on?
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female
reader, red1982  +, writes (8 February 2008):
I'm not sure if this is from porn or just a young man being a bit selfish about sex. You say he's inexperienced?? A lot of men want to try everything NOW, NOW, NOW and are a bit over eager.
I think you may you need to teach him a bit about how women work, especially about foreplay and what turns you on. I think a lot of young lads just expect it to be as great for women as it is for them and forget that we need a bit more 'warming up' then they do.
Make sure that your sexual relationship works for both of you (this is for your pleasure too and he should understand that)and that you never do anything that you don't want to do, or that makes yu uncomfortable or causes you pain. Just because he wants you to do it doesn't mean that you have to. If he can't see past his own selfish needs and have some consideration for you then he's not worth sleeping with.
As for your concerns about whether he will want to try roughter fanmtasies later on I couldn't tell you really. Is the porn he is watching mainly about this kind of thing? If it is then it may be what he gets turned on by and he may well want to try some of it out. If he is just watching regular porn then I wouldn't be too worried.
Remember that as well as a physical thing sex is supposed to be about you feeling closer together and more intimate with each other. If it is always one sided then you may want to think about what you are getting out of this relationship. Make some hints about romantic things that you would like him to do for you and hope that he gets the hint.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 February 2008):
 it sounds like you always have sex the way he wants it; do you ever have sex the way YOU want it? Are you asking (nicely of course) for what you need? And do you feel you have the right to say "no" to something you really don't want to do?I worry too about the expectations that porn may set up in people. It's designed to sell mostly to men, so I think the womens pleasure is either often overlooked or faked. I asked those questions to suggest that you empower yourself in regards to your sex life. Sex should be a nice mutual exchange of pleasure, with each partner giving and receiving. Porn often is very one-sided. I'd remind your man of this.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (8 February 2008):
 If he starts to criticize you , then it could be from porn. It does not matter if he watch porn or not as long as he wants to sleep with you.
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