A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together 2 yrs, we have been going through a difficult time in our relationship, fighting a lot, lack of intimacy etc.We had a fight and took a 1 wk break of no contact, we live in different cities. How do I know if he was faithful during our break?We spoke again for the first time to try to rectify things and he seemed distant and cold, not himself. Were in the process of deciding if we should try to work on the relationship or let it go. If he took advantage of the break and was intimate with someone else this for me would eliminate all possibility of working things out. How do I ask him if he was Faithful during our cool off period, without offending him if he was loyal or starting a fight if he wasn't. What if he doesn't admit to anything? Would there be any signs I should look out for.?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks blonde30s and no I don't want to be with someone that's in constant need of breaks every time we argue. I've told him the breaks are damaging and causing trust issues. He said he would reduce to 24 hr cooling off period as opposed to letting days go by.. But nothings changed.. And it really hurts that he continues to do this and thinks it's ok. It's not ok. And i thinks its time I move on.. Really hard to do when you love someone, but seems it's best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBlond 30s a taking a break does not mean break up and free to do as we please. Not for us anyway. My bf prefers to cool off for a few days during a fight as opposed to trying to resolve during a heated argument. However now he's resorted to taking cooling off time to the extreme and avoiding our relationship and issues completely. We made a vow to each other to use cooling off as a time to calm down, reflect, and try to resolve and during this time neither one of us will do anything disrespectful or hurtful to one another during this time. It's just that I'm getting bad feeling about this last cooling off period. Maybe he took things a little further. I don't know..All in all I'm getting really frustrated and resentful of his cooling off periods.. I think hes abusing it. And it's his way of avoiding things. Caring guy, I think you're right....again. Im realizing now I can't be with someone that makes a run for it, the first sign of disagreement. Thanks for your opinion.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 April 2011):
I think the relationships is already over. I really don't see the point of bothering with someone like him, who's first reaction is always to make a run for it. You should not be with someone like this. At all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCaring guy, you are absolutely right that we should be able to work through problems rather than taking breaks. I do not believe in breaks. He always demands it. And they have actually caused more damage than good. And has now provoked trust issues. However my boyfriend avoids conflict of any kind by outright avoiding me. With no contact. He doesn't know how to communicate his feelings and when there is a problem he simply turns his back on me and runs away. Where as I like to face our issues head on and try to resolve. My main complaint with him is he's emotionally unavailable and self absorbed, and doesn't much effort. This provokes many fights and causes him to withdraw further. We do have a 30 day no contact rule. If we get to that we are entitled to date other people. This was only 1 wk. And come to think of it if he is capable of sleeping with someone else in a week, then he has checked out of this relationship long ago, and we should both move on.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 April 2011):
Not to put a fine point to it, but did you actually say to him "we're on a break, but neither of us can sleep with anyone else". Because if that was not made clear, he has done nothing wrong if he has been with someone else. So I hope that was made clear.
Secondly, the idea of a break is to collect thoughts. And your break has now done is make you suspect he was cheating. It's just added a whole new problem to this. There is no way that you can ask him whether he's been faithful without him either coming out and saying "I slept with someone else", or starting another fight and offending him. This really was not the way to handle your problems, and to be honest given that you were on a break, I don't think you really have the right to ask.
You are with this man, you are supposed to trust this man. If there were problems, then they needed to be addressed properly, not through a break which was bound to make things worse. In my experience, breaks usually signal the end of a relationship, and given your first reaction to the break (how do I find out if he was faithful), I would say that what you two had is dead and gone.
You could as, but he might lie. There might be no signs. He might be honest, but you might not have made it clear that there was to be no sleeping with anyone else. This was such a bad way to handle this, and I think all it's done is show you why you two can't be together.
There is no trust, no effort to work this out properly, no intimacy, all fighting. Worse, you're in an LDR so can't work this out face to face properly.
There is a point at which you have to let a relationship go. you are now at that point. You seem to be wanting to find out that he HAS been with someone. You seem to want him to have done that. You're doing anything to make it so. "How do I find out whether he was with someone", "It will eliminate the possibility of working it out", "What if he doesn't admit" "What signs". Why do you assume he has done it at all?
Seriously, just end it and move on. You two have had your time, and you clearly can't work things our together. This break has shown you why you need to end it. Your first reaction wasn't "How can we now work this out", but "How do I know if he was faithful". That should have been dealt with before the break. Now it is too late and has added another layer of distrust to it.
You want to be with this man? Drop this line of attack right now.
If you can't drop it, end it - something that I would recommend anyway. You two aren't working together, and this relationship is a massive failure.
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