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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm attracted to my coworker. My boss (the director of the school I work in) to be more precise. What scares me is that the feeling might be mutual. I don't want this in my life, so I'm doing everything I can not to feed this crush and not to spend time with him unless it is absolutely necessary (on and offline). I never go to drinks after work and I always eat in the "bigger" teachers' lounge, where there is ALWAYS someone and I never end up alone with him. I'm treating him as I treat my other colleagues. I am professional. I never discuss my private life. They all know that I'm married and that I have no kids. But that's about it. I love and respect my husband and I would never do anything I wouldn't like others to do to me. I said that the feeling might be mutual, because he is extra nice to me (not in a predatory way) and does things he doesn't do for other colleagues, small things, like thinking in advance of the things I might need, personally bringing me files, documents, keeping me informed and coming to my classroom just to say hi. I work in a school that is highly specialized and there are not many women in my field. Teachers are men and almost all students too. A couple of women we have, work in administration and I rarely get to see them. My boss used to teach the subject I'm teaching so we have a lot in common work-wise. I took over the "chair" from him. He's kind and nice to everyone and has a warmth about him, but I'm too old to ignore what it looks like when somebody likes me. Students respect him and like him. He's a single dad. These are the only things I know about him and I don't want to learn more, for obvious reasons. Not because I'm afraid to dig up some dirt. On the contrary. He looks like a decent, normal guy. When I said that he was extra nice, I thought at the beginning it was because he was trying to make me feel welcome in a male dominant surroundings with long working hours and not ideal circumstances when it comes to equipment etc. But, not wanting to bury my head in the sand, at some point I had to face the facts that he too was enjoying my company and that I mustn't ignore it and just let chips fall where they may.When a thought pops up in my head about him I just don't let myself go there. But thoughts do pop up and what's worse the feelings too. And before you even ask... My husband is a good man, but he's had problems that he hasn't dealt with and our marriage has suffered. He has almost no (mental/emotional) resilience, so when he's stressed he cannot deal with it and he needs me to either take it out on me or to help him deal with it. If it's the first he always apologizes and wants to do better and sometimes even does. But, after 20 years of our relationship I now know that he will never fully change. I don't think I would be able to either. I'm loyal and I take care of the people I care about. I never sh*t where I eat. Long story short, there has been a crack in the armor and I don't want to widen it.So, I keep telling myself that if I don't actually make space/time for things to grow, they won't; that after a while I (we) will just get used to this and this feeling of attraction will lessen and maybe even go away all together. He never acts inappropriately. I like my job and I would like to stay here for a while before looking for something new. So, what more can I do to nip this in the bud and how do I know if I am failing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2022): I see what this is. It's an excuse to have an affair; because you're not happy with your marriage. All this bunk about how you're being so careful and indifferent; yet picking-up all these signals from this colleague. If you're not up to anything, what's this lengthy post about? If his actions are inappropriate, they should be reported to HR. Not encouraged.
The thing is, what you've described seems quite benign. Nice, but insignificant.
If you have a crush, it's typical that you see what you want to see; and you'll hear what you want to hear through wishful-thinking. If you have problems with your marriage, maybe you should seek marriage-counseling to save it; or consult a lawyer about getting a divorce. "Crushing" is more appropriate for teenagers. We mature-folk have more dignity and experience than that.
First, make the sound decision whether to dissolve your marriage; then you can date whomever you want, and sense mutual-attractions all over the place. Real or imagined!
Deal with your home-life and marriage. Affairs on the job are sleazy; and you'd be jeopardizing your livelihood. It's a myth that men and women can't work side by side, and still maintain professional distance. You practice self-control. Our brains are not located in our genitals.
Most of what you're describing seems enhanced by fantasy; or just the symptoms of loneliness due to neglect.
He's supposed to be polite, it's proper to be helpful; and you should be considerate of your colleagues and co-workers. If he taught the same course, he can (and should) share some of his notes to make the job easier. It could benefit your students.
To me it just seems he's trying to make things pleasant for you, as any decent person would. All the other things you're "sensing" as making moves; seem only to be simple acts of kindness.
If his actions are being interpreted as subtle passes or advances, I could only surmise his intentions/actions are subjective; and reading more into it, may be projections of your own ulterior motives. Men can be nice to women with no strings attached.
Misinterpretations and wishful-thinking can be dangerous, when people let their imaginations get carried-away. You're almost accusing the man of inappropriate behavior; which could be construed as sexual-harassment. It doesn't matter if you don't mind, it's the principle and the lines being crossed. A matter of ethics and proper behavior on the job.
Practice professionalism and restraint. You are not a high school girl! You're a mature, dignified, and well-educated female-professional. Separate your private issues from your professional-life. Do what you can to salvage your marriage, if you love your husband; or start the legal process to get a divorce. It's best not to date where you work. It leads to drama, idle-gossip, distraction among employees, resentment, and unnecessary complications.
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (26 February 2022):
 This is a crush, and crushes don't last forever, often quite short lived.
I would keep these feelings to yourself, just keep doing what you are doing and let these feelings dissipate of their own accord.
You both work is a professional environment, all you can do is carry on in your job the best you can, be friendly and polite to everyone and keep your personal life to yourself, at the end of the day work is work, a place we go to perform a job to the best of our abilities.
I would not take his kindness for anything else, he is doing his job just as your doing. I think that when you have a crush on someone you observe their every move, every time they look at you, or do a random act of kindness you mistake this for something else, like they must be crushing on you as well, which is often far away from reality.
Nothing is ever going to happen here, don't fight the feelings, just let them dissipate of their own accord. If you feel you can't then maybe time to start looking for another job and a fresh start.
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