A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 26 and recently i was suspicious of my boyfriend. Before I get to much further into it, our relationship has been great up until the past month. We are best friends and do everything together. We play video games, go fishing, take walks and sometimes just talk for hours. But recently He changed to second shift and he didn't come home a few times and didn't call. He has been going to friends houses alot to play video games with the guys, but I felt like he was not acting like his usual self. He usually always comes home or at least calls. I told him it made me feel really uncomfortable and I even asked him straight out if he was seeing anybody else. He swore that he wasn't. He also promised to come home more and to call if he wasn't. He actually had been home with me all week. I don't usually snoop through his stuff but I just had this feeling to look in his phone. I was disgusted and shocked to find a video of a girl from his work doing some nasty things on video cam over Xbox live. I had felt jealous of this girl before and didn't really like that they were friends. He said he didn't think of her in that way at all. I've even hung out with this girl a few times, she seemed really nice and acted like she was my friend. He promised that it was a one time thing and that she just randomly did this in a chat room during a game of online UNO and he happened to be playing too. He said he video taped it and he knew it was wrong, he shouldn't have done it. He said he regrets it and that he is definitely not cheating on me that nothing physical has ever happened between the two of them. I want to believe him but I don't know if I can ever trust him again, or if I should give him a chance to prove that he can be trusted. He said he would do anything to make me trust him again. He said he won't talk to her anymore. (But of course he will have to see her at work.) This is a huge problem. It's not like he can just cut off contact with her. He will see her everyday. (I also know this girl somewhat, and she just got dumped by her boyfriend. I feel like she is trying to get mine and she will stop at nothing.) Any suggestions on what to do? Should I give him a chance? If I do, how do I trust him again? How do I know he is telling the truth about it being a "one time thing"?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): You may never fully trust him again. If you do there is no telling how long it may take. I can tell you this much though, it will be awhile. My boyfriend and I are going through an almost exactly the same situation. What he did was not quite as drastic as all that. He talked to an ex on aim and lied about it. He also got pictures from her (not nude or anything like that) but I felt hurt and betrayed. I still do. He told me he would do anything to get my trust back. He permanently deleted his facebook, myspace, aim, and destroyed his computer stopping any way he could possibly communicate with her. All of this made me feel a little better, but the trust still isn't back. I still worry he could possibly be talking to her somehow even though it is impossible. That's what lying does to you...it's horrible. Is your boyfriend willing to do all this, what is he willing to do to gain your trust back? Once someone lies it makes you question everything they say. Like "what were you really doing?" "why are you home an hour late??" He could have a perfectly good excuse but you can't bring yourself to believe it. Even the stupidest things you question what really happened, if he is telling the truth. In your situation I don't know how you could possibly get the trust back when he still works with this person and sees her all the time. I'm having a hard enough time getting over my boyfriend's mistake and he has no way of even talking to her. I don't know how you are though either, maybe you are more forgiving and trusting that I am, I can't say. I know it won't be easy. If everything I said sounds good to you then by all means you should stay with him, but remember trust is the most important part of a relationship and now you have none. I am still in my relationship in hopes it will go back to the way things were. It still isn't and doesn't seem to be getting better. I don't know that it ever will be back fully. As for if he will ever do it again there is no telling. You would just have to wait and catch him in it again to find out unfortunately. I don't know what to tell you to do. It would be very hypocritical of me to tell you to dump him except that I know how hard it is. I don't know how important this guy is to you either or how capable of forgiveness you are. Just know it is a lot of work and you have to think he's worth it to worry all the time if you do decide to give him a chance. He better be willing to prove himself and listen to any questions you have about his whereabouts or what he's been up to. Most guys say they will do anything but when it comes down to it they can't take it. I hope for your sake he doesn't mess up again. For what it's worth I recommend you move on. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): I am going through something similar. Not quite as drastic but I have lost the trust with my boyfriend a couple weeks ago when he went on aim and talked to an ex and lied to me about it. She sent him pictures (nothing nude by any means) but still I felt betrayed and hurt. Actually I still do. We are working on it right now. He told me it meant nothing, he will never do it again, he doesn't like her. Well the trust is gone so I can tell you that much, you won't trust him anytime soon. I don't know that I could deal with what your boyfriend did to you if I am to be completely honest. Especially when he sees her still. I imagine it will be impossible to trust him again when he still sees her all the time. My boyfriend erased his facebook permanently, deleted everyone from his aim, and he also destroyed his computer for me which was his only means of talking to this person and I am still scared he is finding ways to talk to her. That's what lack of trust does to you... It's a horrible thing. Him doing all that for me does make me feel a little better but I still feel like he could be lying about something. Is your boyfriend willing to do all this to gain back your trust, what is he really willing to do? Once someone lies like that, no matter how small it is, it makes it hard to believe anything they say. You will constantly wonder "is that what he really did?" "why is he an hour late home??" Even when he has a perfectly good excuse, you just can't bring yourself to believe it. I'm not saying you can never gain the trust back. I haven't yet but I'm still in this relationship hoping I can. I'm saying it will take a long time. And he has to be able to listen to your questions. He needs to understand how hard it is to gain your trust back. I don't know what to tell you to do. I don't know how you are but I know I couldn't handle him working with a girl he has seen naked. I don't see how you are going to be able to get past it when he still sees her but I don't know how you are either, maybe you are more trusting than I am. There is no way to know if it was a one time thing or not unless he does it again and you catch him. For what you should do it's all on you and what you feel is right. If everything I described sounds good to you then by all means do it. But as everyone says, trust is one of the most important things to have in a relationship and your's is gone. I hope if you do give him a chance that he doesn't mess up again... Good luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): Well...there is no way of knowing if it was a one time thing, or if it was just a matter of a guy being a guy. But the issue now is trust, as you said. There is no way for him to just regain your trust by saying it'll never happen again. He has to earn your trust and that takes time. I understand how you must feel! And it will take you a while to get over it. He needs to understand that. And trust is earned by actions, not words!!! It is your decision whether to believe nothing ever happened between them, and it really may be the truth. But if you do decide to give him the benefit of the doubt, then you must let go of the anger and fear. Let him take it from there. Either he will regain your trust or prove himself to be untrustworthy and a real jerk! I wish you the best of luck, and hope he is telling you the truth!
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