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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am so confused regarding my ex (he is early 20's). He has a brain injury which means he doesn't recall things or doesn't realise the impact he has on people when he communicates or acts in a negative way. He doesn't have the tact and developed communication skills of most people and he is very forgetful; denying things that have happened or having no recollection at all. He can be very insensitive to other peoples feelings. He sounds awful but he has alot of positive aspects too. Sometimes I think to myself how much of his symptoms are realAnyway, I guess I want to know what his motives are? He broke up with me just before Christmas. I gather he wanted to get closure with his ex because of the fact that she lied and cheated on him and he was so devoted to her. Although we both tried to avoid this and waited several months before getting involved, I think I was his rebound. He had been so sweet, lovely and sincere toward me talking long term, but we had sex only once (he withdrew halfway through but I don't know why) a bit too soon for my liking and straight after asked me if I loved him. I didn't feel ready to answer so I asked him. He said he wasn't sure of his feelings toward me and then said how amazing his ex was (how's that for tact?) I couldn't believe he had even slept with me knowing he felt like this, given that he said he agreed about only sleeping with people you are in love with. But, I wonder if he was in love with me but didn't want to say it first for fear of me then saying I wasn't. I always got the impression because his ex treated him badly he would be hurtful first (even though I would never hurt him). Anyway, after the sex he started pushing me away, being negative and ignoring me. We just didn't seem to know how to communicate with each other after that (i keep thinking he was only using me for sex but people keep saying to me he wouldn't have slept with you just the once in the entire relationship; they seem to think it was due to feeling guilty about not getting closure with his ex and his unresolved feelings for her that he acted the way he did but that in no way excuses the way he treated me). The last time I went out with him was a disaster, I didn't hear from him for a week and a half and then he came over to break up with me saying the most heartbreaking things but in the next sentence he said he really liked me and wanted us to remain friends and in an instant he turned into the man I had fallen in love with. Some of the things he said he hasn't delivered on. The last time I saw him was Boxing Day which was after we split up. It went OK. The following day he sent me a text asking me to go to the movies with him; I declined. I have been feeling so messed up over him. He didn't wish me a good Christmas and New Years so I really didn't expect to hear from him ever again but yesterday I got a text from him saying he missed seeing me. Given that when we split he said he didn't miss me at all, I'm confused. He then tried to call me on my mobile a few hours later which I couldn't answer and then a few hours later again he caught me at home saying to my sister tell her 'it's an old friend' on the phone. He was really nice and asking if I wanted to come out; I declined again saying I was busy. Then his mobile went off twice and he said 'I've got to go it's work I'll call you back in a minute' but that was yesterday. I keep thinking if he missed me that much, even someone with a brain injury wouldn't forget to call back their friend.I don't want to give up on him as a friend. He always seems surrounded by people but I didn't fully appreciate that he only has one real friend. He has so few friends (I don't think he realises that it is because people don't know how to handle him) that he has been taking his Mum out places. I don't know how to do friends with ex's and how do I know he is not just using me as someone convenient to go out with until someone else comes along?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): Hi, boy I can see why you are confused this man is acting strangely indeed, I don't know what his motives are, but he does not seem to be ready to give you the kind of relationship you are looking for.
It is your decision of course, but if it were me, I would not have any contact with him for months and then if I felt like trying to be friends I would, but it seems to me you both need some time to get over each other and to heal your heart and move on.
The bottom line is he hasn't asked you for a one on one exclusive relationship, and being friends to him is calling you up now and again at the last minute even to see if you want to hang our or even have sex.
I can tell from your post that you aren't happy with this on again off again affair, and if you really want to get on with finding the kind of relationship you truly want then perhaps it is time to let this one go.
Who knows maybe that will cause him to respect you more and come around offering you a relationship and then you can decide if you want to accept him back.
Hope this helps.
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