A
female
age
26-29,
*ustfakeit
writes:I fell for this guy when I was 15, and we broke up when I was 17. I'm 19 now. When we were together I was so happy, he was my first kiss, first love and on my 17th birthday I gave him my virginity. A couple weeks later he broke up with me. For the first year I laid low and tried to just keep myself happy, but I fell into depression. Over the past year I started to get back out there and I met 2 guys I really like. I started having feelings for them both, so I dropped them both because I felt like it wasn't fair to them. I was devastated for months and that's when I started flirting with tons of guys. I don't cheat on guys or date anymore but I'm always flirting and kissing them. I know I'm turning into a slut because I don't want to be hurt again, but I don't want to be one. I don't know what to do to quit from being a slut.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 July 2014):
 Not to worry, you can unring any bell in this catagory. Just because yo've been taken advantage of doesn't men you have to go down in flames. You may be using that event as a rational for current behavior, but deep down you know it's just an excuse for doing things you don't 'have' to do. Yiou can re-virginate. t's all in your head. Be firm with yourself and walk a new path.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): No idea. I've been trying to figure out how for years! If you crack the code, let us know how you managed to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): The age of 15 is very young for a girl to lose her virginity. You can't convince teenagers they're not grownup enough to drink and be adults. Just because you've grown to adult-size, doesn't mean your emotional development has caught up with it.
Some girls are more mature than others. Losing their virginity happens incidentally, or intentionally. For the most part, it being your first time, and you attached a lot of feeling behind offering yourself in a sexual-way. It is a sacrificial-ritual to some degree. You fantasied a lot about what you wanted from the boy in return. You gave him your innocence.
Although you were physically ready and able, you were not mentally-developed enough to deal with the complexity of sexuality. At least not the worst-case scenario. The boy taking it, and offering you nothing more than a cold-shoulder. He said a lot of nice things, and made you feel he cared for you.
At 15, you could only relate to sexuality in accordance to the "romanticized" media-induced concept. If you love a boy, and you think he loves you. You give him anything he wants. Your inexperienced-mind expected one thing, but the reality was another. Simply put, you weren't ready; or emotionally-developed enough to handle what happened.
You suffered the same remorse and emotional-trauma as a woman taken against her will.
Growing older, you've developed a cynical or jaded attitude towards all boys.
You tease them and deny them what they want to get back at them for what that boy did to you. He crushed your ego, damaged your self-esteem, and stole your innocence. He didn't care how hurt you felt about it. You couldn't find a way to get back at him. You feel helpless and violated.
So you offer guys nothing emotionally, and avoid offering any real sexual-gratification. That makes you feel like you're taking back something stolen from you. You haven't described anything in your post that suggests you're behaving like a slut. Being flirtatious, and teasing boys?
Naughty, but not slutty. It gives you a sense of power over their feelings. Not a good thing to tamper with, I must warn you.
The longstanding self-degradation for giving up your virginity at a young and innocent age, is how you pay for your "moral crime." You still haven't forgiven yourself for being a "bad-girl."
You can kiss and make-out all you like. You don't have to have sex unless you want to, my dear. At your age, you're doing what you should be doing; until you meet someone you feel you've made a meaningful connection with. You have to change your attitude and reasoning behind it, of course.
You're a woman now. You're still mentally punishing yourself; and trying to find someway to blame yourself for four years ago. Attempting to prove to guys you can restrain from sex, even when things get pretty hot and heavy. Creating sexual-tension, with no possibility of sex. It gives you a sense of power. Then you feel guilty for getting them aroused.
It's only the pleasure of knowing you denied them what you know they wanted. It's vengeful.
That's coming from the wrong place. It's because you're more angry at yourself now, than at that boy when you were 15. You just didn't know any better. You were acting on your feelings, and it had a bad outcome. That's all, my dear. You haven't moved forward since. You're stuck in the same place.
You'll outgrow it. You haven't had a chance to let go of the anger and shame. You given yourself life without parole.
That's unjustified. You're not tarnished or damaged, or soiled in anyway. You just got fooled and your heart-broken.
There is nothing to be ashamed of, and letting go of the anger will cleanse you; and bring you peace. It was just a mistake an innocent girl might make. Many have, and many more will. You grow-up, and these things fade into history. You are by no means behaving now, nor have you ever been a slut. Your innocent young heart was exploited; but you'll grow stronger for it. Time to let go of that anger. Seek counseling; if you feel it is now getting out of hand.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 July 2014):
 You're not a slut, and the fact that you're able to tie your rejection from the guy who you gave your virginity to with this whole issue you're dealing with is actually half the battle, so you're on your way!
Here's the thing - your ego took a huge hit, and the guy who broke up with you after getting what he wanted hurt you bad. You have to realize that you can't fill that hole in your heart with anything external, and getting guy's attention is a destructive spiral that will hurt you more and more without fixing the problem. You are medicating with other guys' attentions, and knowing that they're after the same thing as your boyfriend means you'll be up for more pain, and part of you knows that.
Love can be painful. It's a risk, and I think you need to come to grips with the guy who took your virginity and not let his rejection rule you anymore. If you're in depression and can't get out of it, talking to someone may help you. Otherwise, you need to tell yourself that you're no longer that 17 year old. You make your own closure and not continue to find it by flirting and kissing and running away from relationships for fear of getting hurt.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 First off, lets NOT call people sluts. You are afraid of being promiscuous, can we just say that? Slut makes it sound as if sleeping around is bad, and something to be ashamed of. Which it isn't. People who are promiscuous have every right to be who they are, and do what they want, without being shames or get called sluts.
Now, if you don't like the things you do, you just need to stop doing them. Gain self control. But if you DO enjoy it, I don't see why you should stop because of what you think others might think of you, or because you worry about being judged. Do what you feel like, guilt free. Just wear protection, and don't break any hearts, and it's all good.
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