A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My relationship history is fighting against with commitment phobia- actually don't know so much "the real relationship" Shamefully. All the begining is "he crashed on me" at the first sight --including the miserable marriage in 20's--Now I am ashamed and feel I am not capable to meintain any relationship. In the begining, Boys push, pursue so hard. Being kind, gentle, give me a "commitment" as a boyfriend, telling me how much he loves me.In the middle, it works well. They still are happy to chase me. I feel happy, independent, fulfll...and ready to open my heart, but still bit hesitate to show my "weak" part of my personality. Strange thing is sex doesn't make any attachment. Only gentle attitude and attention slowly make love and attachment.Once I open my heart--it can be the "last period"--Finally I can say my request, showing some weakness, slowly to build up the real relationship. Of course I expect my boyfriend to do so. Then boyfriend(s) backpedalling, finding fault of my personality, find how much difficult to make furture together etc. They find anyhow I am not "perfect" like they thought.From my point of view, ALL of my past partners have the common, they suffer how much they are far from perfect and have strong sence of guilty. They find these "fault" even I don't notice.Example: One day I was so tired and frustrated after work and then rest in the kitchen bit while.I had a cup of coffee and little bit cried.I didn't shout, I didn't say anything, just cried. My ex-husband found it by chance. I swear I didn't apeal this situation to him. He took my attitude as against him. He(he is an European who thinks wife and husband should both work to help each other.) thinks I am complaining he is not earning much money to support my life. Where this idea come from?? when he found I am crying, I just said to him I had a bad day at office and frustrated then crying a bit but I will be fine soon like everybody. It was happened once in a year.Please don't worry I need my bad emotion out...He shouted to me hours and hours I am dumping him and criticizing him. Finally he started to cry. WHY? Does he need to upset so much??? Necessary to shout?? Did I do before? Why he changes his mood so quickly up to my mood??Because I had a bad day at office? No doubt life is full of up and down.WHY should I dump him because I had a bad day at office? Please, Please do understand I am not a super woman who is not 24 hours, 365 days delight, smart, happy, cheerful, independent. I can be sometimes crying, tired, negative, frustrated, unreasonable,get temper.However, with every partners I had in past have stong feeling to be afraid of my negative emotion so much.I understand when men see women in negative, they of course wouldn't feel happy and bit upset. I also feel when my partner is down, I feel anxious, worried, feeling of bit guilty too. Not always, but sometimes bit hard to give him space to rebuilt. but I always try to believe he has power to rebuilt himself again and if he really needs my help he would ask me. I would please to cooporate to get over the difficulties.Being honest, everytime when I am not in good mood makes the discussion about the relationship, I feel I am pressed by the pressure and there is no freedom and real emotional connection. I am not the perfect! I make mistakes communication, I cannot be smily always to anyone! Some people are difficult to me!Yes, the second common is they look cheerful in the begining, but later I always found they are kind of shy and don't know women so much (I have never had any partner who has sisters) I don't know what to ask. But Is there any suggestion to improve my self-confidence and get out from this vicious circle??
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thanks Ampersand.
I posted this article with sadnees after breaking up with my boyfriend.
He told me I accepted as he was. But he said I once got a temper for stupid reason and cannot bear with this pressure anymore. "we both are living in the different world"
That temper was happened--I said "It is enough. I am so angry" with very angry low voice NOT towards him, it was to the rude waiter in the cafe and surely the waiter couldn't listen my voice because he was away. I was almost crying for being shocked.
I was angry because the waiter said I am a chinese prostitute who was bought by him. ( I am not even chinese but maybe doesn't matter for Europeans since I am Asian) I was so scared if I will get a violent/verbal assult furthermore by this waiter.
He looked also upset that waiter didn't respect me------I really wanted to cry because he looked so ashamed to be with me. Keep silence and didn't talk to me.
I think I am attractive to certain type of guy---- who is introspective, shy, delligent, and have to say bit inmature in the society. They believe the society should treat me as a queen. I hope so too!!! Sure,everybody hopes too!! But it cannot be a real. Someone is nice, someone is not nice, that's the reality.
They treat me, try to entertain me, try to make me feeling good---and always sooooo much scared of my reaction. Till they see my smile, their face is full of fear.
This pressure drives me extreme anxious, emotionally unstable, finally I really have to care people sround me is also nice to me or despite whatever happenes always have to be calm. So hard to control this pressure indeed. I feel really tired and sad. I feel I am not accepted in the realy way as a human. They fell in love with not me, their imagination of me.
In fact after a year past around generally we both started to show our "real" life together.
I am changing, also he is changing, this is so natural. 2years, 2 years I did not even a sigle sponteneous temper. I always tried to make so much effort to swallow temper and translfer to calm expression. Once I had, --he run away, end the relationship.
None is perfect, really none is --including me. I will try to handle it- of course it is not easy though sometimes. As well as anther couples have, we can have argue, small fight or dissapoint each other.
My past partners cannot get over bumps together, they shout, upset blame and run away.
It can be a really small bump--- and they think I reject them. In the past I was even called betrayer since I reacted differently what he expected.
What's about my effort to accept them- they of course have weakness and bumps.
But I cannot get over couple's bumps alone. I have really no idea how to get over- and what is the problem.Sorry for being confused.
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