A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I honestly have no idea what to do. My boyfriend of 8 years (on and off) says he doesn’t feel the spark when we kiss anymore. We are both 21, and when we were 12 we met. He doesn’t feel like he could see us in the future and the pain is killing me inside. He told me this the night before my birthday, and well today is the day after my birthday and he brought it back up and he has no idea what to do with our relationship. He’s not sure if he wants to take a break, break up for real, or keep on dating. We have dated other people. But we always seem to go back to each other. We take classes together. We are best friends. We just haven’t had passion lately. We both are going to the same community college and both are transferring to the same 4-year college together. We both live at home so it’s not like we get That much privacy. We don’t have that many same mutual friends, and we are always together. We love each other. But we don’t know what to do. He is scared he is missing out no his college experience, and me, I just think I can have a good college experience while dating someone and still have my own space. I want to marry him. So I am not sure if giving him space will let him find who he needs to be, then we can get back together or what.. We always say we end up together no matter what. But I don’t know. I don’t know what to do!??!??!? I need help. Also, is there any way to get the spark and passion back into the bedroom and with a kiss? Or is that telling you something?
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 "He doesn't see us in the future together."
I agree with anon... I think you should let him go. When you can't see a future with your partner anymore that's pretty much the beginning of the end in my opinion. If he wants to go out, meet and date new people, there's a good chance that could manifest itself eventually even if he suppresses that feeling now. Would you rather end on a good note, or risk him leaving you out of the blue one day for another girl or having an affair?
I think you've got a better chance of having a future with him if you leave... its a big world out there to explore and tons of people to meet. He may realize just how special you are years down the track... if that doesn't ignite a fire for him, nothing will.
Best of luck to ya :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): In this case I think your only hope for possibly getting a spark back is letting him go. Let him be. He is telling you he wants out. The more you hold him back, the more you resist his urge to be set free, the farther you are getting from your goal (which is to draw him back in.) He wants out? Show him the door. That'll make him scratch his head. Men like to pursue women, they love the chase. So if he is trying to break up with you the last thing you want to do is jump through hoops for him. On the contrary, you need to just take a step back.
Look, you are 21. That is WAY too young to be thinking of marriage I guarantee you. I know heartache sucks and you sound like a sweet loyal girl and he should feel so lucky to have you. But the truth is that, not all, but most men at that age are very hormonal and they are looking left and right and they want to experiment with anything and everything in sight.
Most if not all girls at one point or another have gotten dumped by someone they loved. Even the most beautiful women in the world. Even supermodels. It happens to everybody. Use this pain, anger or whatever you may feel as leverage. You are young, at your prime, in college. Go live it up. Go explore. Workout. Make yourself even more beautiful. Do some traveling. Focus on your career, whatever it is you want to do. Your biggest defense is building yourself up. Be that girl that he will regret losing. So, leave him alone. Let it go before things get ugly. Leave on a good note. He may eventually come around and be eating his heart out. And for all you know you may end up meeting someone you love even more.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 If you try to contain the fire, it can't burn. Let loose and calm down. The more you bind him the more he wants to run away.
"He doesn't see us in the future together." Then, "no matter what we still end up with each other." Maybe you have to be unpredictable just like him. You are available to him when he needs you. He misses the thrill of the chase. As women we are conditioned that marriage is the only way, only right way to go. A large percentage of high school sweetheart marriages don't work nowadays. One of them is always resentful that they were not able to taste the waters, explore more options. If he wants to sow wild oats, realize that this desire is also in you.
If you insist on working this thing with him. Be a little different once in a while. Say one thing you believe in one day, then express something totally opposite next month. Whenever he mentions he wants out, or you aren't compatible, respond with, "Oh, Is that so?" Then leave it at that. When he says, "we will always be together." Respond, "Is that so?" Don't give him the upper hand. Show him you don't care what happens in the future. Don't take everything he says seriously. Guys are known to say one thing one day, then contradict himself tomorrow. The thing is, you feel like you know him so well, but you really don't know him. Train yourself to look at him with fresh eyes, with wonder every day.
This thing is getting too serious. Be more playful with him. Tease him instead of worrying about him.
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