A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my ex several years ago because I just fell out of love with her. She didn't do anything wrong, but we just didnt connect and in the end, my feelings for her changed. She doesn't have any close friends and still considers me her closest (and maybe only) friend. She still sends me gifts on my birthday and Christmas even though I am dating someone else now. I still call her regularly because I am worried about her mental state. She knows that I don't want to get back together with her, though she still hints at that wish with me. She is clearly depressed (even though she downplays it) and I am afraid of what will happen if I cut ties with her. She tells me that I am the love of her life and she has not been able to date other people. I don't love her anymore but I still want to be her friend and I still care about what happens to her. We did not have a bad relationship or breakup. She is a wonderful person, but we just weren't right for each other. I have moved on, but she hasn't. How do I help her to move on without hurting her further or losing her as a friend?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Some people are able to stay friends with exs and its nice if that can happen. But both sides need to have moved on. It sounds as if you feel she hasn't yet. I think you need to be very honest with her regarding a 'friendship'. If you tell her you fear your friendship is not helping her move on and that there is no hope of any rekindling of the relationship etc. Maybe try to be in less contact, wean her off a dependence on you. I think a total 'no contact' arrangement wouldn't suit you. So carefully try to be honest with her and manage a situation whereby you only have minimal, but friendly, contact. Don't be drawn into more - as you will be back where you started.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): If you are that worried about her mental state then you should encourage her to seek counselling. You can't make her go if she doesn't want to, but you can say that you care about her well-being and that this is something she really needs to do for herself. Also you can try to encourage her to get out more and meet new people...again, she may not respond very much, but you can try to give her a little extra push. Otherwise I'm not sure if there's much you can do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): If you're the one who initiated the break up it's normal that the other person has a harder time moving on. however it's been several YEARS and she's still depressed over the break up?
You could suggest she get some counseling. Or maybe you could take her or drag her to a counselor's first appointment. She could be suffering from clinical depression that may require medication.
Don't be co-dependent (that's when you have to be someone's savior all the time and save them from themselves). she needs to move on with her life. sometimes people don't move on because we allow them to use us as their emotional crutches. Get her into counseling, and then I think you should cut back on your contact. Otherwise you may be fueling her glimmer of hope of getting back together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Well..of course you have moved on...between the two of you, she probably was the one who loved you more..her feelings were more invested than yours. So it is easy from your stand point to feel as though she should have just "gotten over it" by now simply because, you have...you were probably over it before you actually ended the relationship with her. Also, you don't just fall out of love with someone all of a sudden esp. after you have been with that person for that long. Also, you being in contact with her isn't helping at all...well at least not her. I know that I am not one of those people who keep in contact with ex's....as a friend..as nothing. I take the necc. time to get over them and never look back once I do...it is easier that way. In all, just stop contacting her please....write her a letter explaining the situation and why you think it's best to cut off contact with her and never look back. I can feel your ex's pain....I know just how hard it is to get over someone you loved with all your being....I just hope you never have to exp. such a heartbreak......
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