A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid...please help me...I was emotionally and sort of physically abused by my mother when I was a teenager...my mother left my family when I was about 9 years old. I went to live with her again when I was about 14. Before that, except for when I was little had never seen much of her except for vacation-times like summer and christmas. My dad never spoke badly about her and she was always really nice during the vacation times so I thought she was a great person. When I turned 14 and ended up living with her things turned out to be very different. She would talk down to me, call me names, break my things, control my every move, talk bad about me to friends and family members so as to create this false persona of me so that I would have nobody to turn to when I cried for help. She created an environment where she could abuse me and nobody would listen to my cries for help because she would tarnish my image and everybody "trusted" her and simply thought I was the "crazy" "misbehaved" teen (which I wasn't, got straight A's and ended up getting accepted at a top university). I felt like I was in jail. It was awful. I lived a nightmare for my high school years.Eventually I moved out left to college and really never looked back. It was after I left that I realised how horrid she had treated me and the injustices she did. Because while I was living through it I guess I thought it was the norm...Before I had left, I was unaware that "normal" families didn't treat their children this way. It started to hit me somewhere in my early to mid twenties...I started feeling intense insecurities and emotional outrages at the slightest of slights...I started realising that my self esteem was shot and I was incredibly vulnerable...all these feelings of inadequacy just started to surge all of a sudden...and I know it is a result of how I was treated by this woman. She treated me so badly, put me down so consistently...its still painful to think about.Eventually, my self esteem started to feel so shot and I felt so inadequate and alone that I ended up getting involved with two complete loser/abusive guys. I just got out of the last abusive relationship I had...it was so bad that I had to relocate...I ended up moving in with my mom because I had nowhere else to go...(this is 10 years after moving out).The abuse started again and instead of helping me get through my experience and simply help me get back on my feet, and just be a mother, everything started all over again, the mistreatment, the insults, until eventually she almost killed me when she knocked me over the head with a cup, and cracked my head open in which I was rushed to the hospital, and suffered profuse bleeding and several stitches to my head. (I had to get part of my head shaved off). So I left and I am back on my own again. I didn't press charges. I should have but I didn't. I know the wound heals but I can't even begin to express the emotional pain I still go through that on top of being assaulted, it was by someone who was supposed to care for me...I feel so used and misused and abused. My self worth is even more shot. I don't want to crumble because that would be her ultimate dream. She wants to see me fail. Because that would make her feel like she was right about me and justified in treating me the way she did...this I know.I can't imagine a "real" mother doing something like this to their own child. It is sooo hard to see other girls with their moms who seem so sweet and caring and proud of their daughters. They take them shopping and whatever they do. I never had that. As I already expressed, you see what my household was like with that woman. I don't know why my mother hates me. I have never had a mother who cares about me. Its not like she has been dead, she is alive she just doesn't care. And I wish she just didn't care but its like she doesn't care and on top of that she wants to hurt me. And its really hard because I have gotten myself in some really f**ked up situations because I didn't have a caring parent to look out for my best interest. She unfairly robbed me of having self-worth, of simply being happy. And I am just alone. How do I cope with this?? I know some of you will suggest therapy and I have definitely been to therapy and plan on looking into it again in my new town, but besides that and in general, how does anybody cope with something like this?? What do I do?? I could get on meds and anti depressants but it still doesn't erase the wounds that I have. What do I do to heal from this??
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christmas, her ex, in jail, moved out, my ex, self esteem, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Please don't go the drug route. Prescription medication is no more effective in this situation than are pot or alcohol. The benefits are temporary and the better you feel on them the less inclined you'll be to fix the underlying problem.
That problem being the vulnerability to future abuse by her and others. People who are happy in the present generally don't spend much time thinking about the past, whether they've been abused or not.
Consider an assertiveness training or public speaking course. Therapy is not a cure, but a few sessions with an insightful person may be of some help. The downside is it can keep you focussed on the past, it usually isn't free and I believe therapists write down (or record) whatever you tell them. You can ask them about this as you might have some say in the matter. Not sure how that works.
Learn a new skill, do fun things, keep in shape, maintain positive associations. Think about people you hold in high esteem and ask yourself what is it they do that has earned your respect, then emulate them. I don't mean be a clone, but acquire and maybe personalize those positive traits you so admire in them.
Respect for others is earned by others. Self respect is earned by oneself.
I've been in a similar place to where you are. This can be overcome.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): This is a true story of many children's lives, and it's sad that they have to endure this. It is wonderful that many people share their stories so that they can be role models for our faulty society. There are many single mothers or children with no mothers at all in today's world. If you have escaped your mother, that is perfect for now. In the meantime, you might want to try and discuss this with your mother in an email or something like that so she can't beat you. I even kind of have a similar problem, but it's not terrible like yours. You are a light and inspiration. You can win this battle!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): I lived a similar situation and didn't realize until I had my own children how messed up my mother was. When I had my own children, I just assumed that one day they would hate me and run away - not because of anything I had done, but because of my own experiences with my mother. My husband pointed out to me that it's not normal for children to run away. It wasn't a "rite of passage". He also said that he loved his mom, which was foreign to me. Here's how I healed ... I was (and am) the very best mother I can possibly be. I have 2 daughters in their 20s, and guess what ... they adore me. They call everyday and even cry at movies when the mother dies. I remember seeing the Joy Luck Club and not being able to understand why the daughter was sad to see her mother die. I felt like a monster for not being able to experience that emotion.
If you don't have children to love, love other people's children who may be neglected. Unfortunately, there are TONS of children who are raised the way we were. Love those children. Care about them and listen to them. Loving others really does heal us.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (29 April 2010):
 My mother abused me and there is no real point in trying to cope with something through medications etc.
I have realized that I am a better person than she is and ever will be, no matter how nice she wants to treat me now.
I am out of her life and she is out of mine.
I have come to realize that we put too much emphasis on the biological family as being the only family.
Real family is what the heart says is family. Your real home is where your heart makes it and wants it to be.
Family and home is never where you are not happy.
family and home is where you are happy.
Learn from your experiences and be a better person as a result. That is all we can do.
If we do anything aside from that, we are still in the victim status, and cannot move on.
If you want to talk about it, feel free to send me a message.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): Oh, my friend! How I hurt for you! I know what you're feeling. I have a mother who I never really loved. I don't know how to love her, really. She was always selfish and demanding; forever the drama queen. When I was quite young, I remember walking past her bedroom door, which would be slightly ajar, and she would be crying. Full of guilt, I'd ask what was wrong, and I was told to leave her alone. I had an abusive, alcoholic father who made my childhood a living hell. My mother only compounded matters by drowning in her own sorrow and misery. She was quick to criticize and always told me that the world did not revolve around me. Funny, because I was not a demanding child. I simply wanted love and support. I would spend long hours at my friend's homes until I tried to take my life at age 17. Thankfully, I lived. I married early. Someone I distanced myself from my parents, put myself through college and graduate school. My wonderful husband has been father and lover to me, and we have raised three beautiful boys. I have a successful career. Through it all, my mother needs me now more than ever. I find I will address her needs, but the previous poster is right. You must not let anyone tear you down. Stay clear of your parent's emotional dysfunction at all cost. It is not yours. You have paid your dues. Use what you've learned to love yourself unconditionally. Find a good friend to share your life with, and love that person fully. I send you much love, my friend. You are deserving of all life has to offer. Make your life your own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): Counselling will help you a great deal. There are forms of family therapy whereby you don't actually have to be in the room with your family member but can release your feelings towards them and how you feel in a safe space. In the uk it is called family constellations - there is a link here which may be of interest to you. http://www.constellationsolutions.co.uk/#whatisDon't give up on yourself. You are a decent and wonderful human being in your own right - not an extension of someone else. My suggestion for now is to remove yourself from further pain and build your life again. Surround yourself only with positive, nurturing and supportive people that you trust. I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 April 2010):
 I am very sorry to hear of what you went through. There is nothing that can be done about the past .
I can only point you to the direction of God and seek Him.Ask for His strength, grace and healing powers and to take away your pains and hurts.
I will also pray for your well being, your emotional and physical health and the peace in your heart.
Learn to forgive your mom to find closure .Forgiveness will allow God to heal your pains and hurts.
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A
female
reader, sweetspicy +, writes (13 April 2010):
 I'm very sorry that you had to carry an extra load on your back through out your life. It must have been hard for you, just know that it was NEVER your fault. She sounds like she has alot of insecurites and takes them out on you, this doesnt mean that she doesn't love you or care for you. For instance you explianed that she has created this fake persona around her friends and family by being exteamly nice, extreamly caring, and extreamly fake. I dont think it's you that should be in thearapy at all it's not you with the problem, it's her. The only one that can change your mother is her and that's for her to admit that she has a problem then she has to learn how to cope with that problem. Most of the time parents act out like this if they have a drug/alcohol problem but it could be other things such as health issues your not aware of or an emotional problem that she has swept under the rug. When what ever it is starts to bother her she will take it out on you. This kind of behavior isn't good for her to be demonstrating twards you, as your mother she is your teacher. Right now she is teaching you not to face your problems, to act out on others behind closed doors when something bothers you. All in all it's bad karma for you, try and see if you can get state assitance that will prvide housing or see if you can stay with a relative/friend. When she starts calling you names or the first sign of her acting out you need to get up and go out of the house, be it to bounce a ball, bike ride, a walk. When people get angry really angry it's like a rush and it can impair their judgement, you don't want to be there when her judgement is impaired and she isn't thinking clearly because it will end up you in the hospital. You need to be the bigger person you can try to help her wich might cause her to act out on you again or you can send her cards on the holidays with a different return address so she knows your doing okay and that you still care.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (13 April 2010):
 Kiddo, we all are exposed in our culture to the idea that our mothers are some kind of ideal. It's in TV shows and whatever. Nothing in our culture prepares us for the person who is wholly unsuited to being a mother. And yet they're out there, as you've learned -- in spades.
Hon, there's not much anyone here can tell you that will give back what you deserved but were denied. You have been terribly shortchanged. All you can do is recognize that she was horrible and inadequate. And when the day comes that *you* are a mother, to do your very best to not be your mother.
God bless.
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