A
male
age
41-50,
*hil1
writes:Hi, last year I spent a lot of time with a female colleague and her young son while she was separated from her boyfriend. We became really close, but quite suddenly she announced that she was getting back with her boyfriend and they are now expecting their second child. Even after this, we still messaged each other a bit, and its been quite difficult to know how to be around each other, because so much of our relationship was based on flirting and having a laugh together and it feels like so much has changed. I'm also not really sure what she wants from me, one minute its as though nothing has changed and she's messaging me, and being really friendly, then for no apparent reason she goes really cold.Anyway, i've accepted that its not meant to be, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardise her relationship for her sake, and her son (and the unborn one). I'm still finding it hard, but i'm doing my best to move on.I found out today, that some time last year, she made a complaint about me at work, that I wouldn't leave her alone. I feel so cross about it, and I really cannot work out when it was, as most of the time, she actually wouldn't leave me alone! There was no time that she ever gave the impression she felt that way. Fortunately, work didn't pursue it any further, because they know me well, but it was discussed by my managers. Things have been awkward between us at various times, but i've never felt like she was upset or cross with me, and she certainly never asked me to leave her alone. In fact, i've got a whole load of messages from her that suggest the opposite!My question really is, how to handle this now. I know that its kind of irrelevant, and asking her about it won't really change anything, if anything it'll just drag things on even more. But, I feel so upset about it, I feel like it will just keep playing on my mind until I say something. Its also really awkward at work, because when I see her, I feel really cross with her and she's soon going to wonder why. I feel like i'd rather just talk to her about it and get it out in the open than let something simmer away that she actually doesn't know about. Should I say anything, and if so, how? Thanks
View related questions:
at work, flirt, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): Me thinks in general that any mixed messages from a woman should be construed as you being in the friend-zone. So that's the first thing you must accept i.e. that she did not and does not fancy you. Certainly sounds like you have feelings for her, though. Ultimately the best thing to do is to leave the company. Her life has moved on. Yours seemingly has not. I would not suggest that you approach her to talk the matter through. She may not give you the time. She may go straight to her manager. Even if she does talk with you emotions may run high and the conversation could finish abruptly, be inconclusive and re-open old wounds rather than heal them. Sounds like you need closure though. I'd suggest that you raise the subject with your manager again. If they are a good manager then he or she will hear you out. It is in his or her best interests to resolve any such issues for the good of the company. You have to accept that she just did not and does not fancy you. No woman would surely grass you up to her manager if at any stage she was contemplating dating you. I once thought a woman at work fancied me. She was married, too. I asked her out via e-mail. She turned me down very strongly. I then wrote her a letter stating how much I liked her but that I would not talk to her again. The letter was given to her via human resources. I left the company the following year. Hurt so much but professionally was the right thing to do. We never spoke again after my e-mail and certainly she blanked me at each and every opportunity thereafter - even though I would occasionally catch her looking at me. Not surprising she was so cold towards me - she was already having an affair! Good luck, my friend!
|
