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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm single now. My ex and I broke up because of his retroactive jealousy, he was starting to treat me like I was, literally, a bitch, sometimes I felt like he saw me like an animal and not a person. He was so cruel and mean. Funny enough, I lost my virginity to him. He was my first boyfriend. But before him I'd kissed random guys, flirted like crazy, and had a friend with benefits, who at the time was my BEST friend, and after a while we stopped being friends with benefits on mutual agreement. We kissed and once I gave him oral. He never touched me sexually, he never gave me pleasure. Only my ex boyfriend has had that privilege, so I don't understand why he was always so jealous of it.I stopped talking to that friend throughout the 3 and a half year relationship I had with my ex boyfriend. I talked to that friend again, and he's not the same with me anymore, I guess I understand, since well, I basically ditched him for over 3 years for a guy who hated him.Nevertheless, he heard me and I told him that now I was single, I felt lost. I told him I was so confused as to men are. I told him I'm scared that if I go out and have fun with other guys, maybe have casual sex every once in a blue moon, that I'll have the same problems I had with my ex, all over again. I told him I was afraid that I'd be judged, that if during my singlehood I had some causal sexual fun (not like "serial" sleeping around every weekend, just every now and then), a future boyfriend would be just as judgemental and I'd be heartnroken all over again, until finally no one would love me. He told me it was sad that I felt like that, he said real men don't judge women on their pasts and that I should be free and that I have a right to have my fun, but I don't know. I'm so scared because I already lost a man I loved so much and wanted to marry, because he couldn't put up with my past. Should I stay celibate until I meet someone worthy enough to be in a serious relationship/marry? I'm only 21, I feel I'm too young to marry, so do I have to wait many many years to have sex again? also, what happens if I meet someone and fall in love? Should I disclose all my past or keep it really secret? What do I do if a future boyfriend asks about my past? Keep my lips sealed or be an open book? Especially because I want to reconnect witht his friend, and well, there will always be that "history" between us about what happened 6 years ago, if I get a new boyfriend do I have to tell them "Hey let me warn you that 6 years ago I gave my best friend a bj"?I'm so scared that never will ever love me because apparently I'm a whore :(
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best friend, broke up, celibate, flirt, friend with benefits, jealous, lost my virginity, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): yes 21 is the best time and year to know that you are only getting older and need to make real life decisions..first of all i wil like to to congratulate you for thinking this far,because most 21 year old'd do not..this is the best decision and it can change your life for the better..first of all the first thing you need to do is decide if this is REALLY what you want to do? secondly if you do then give your self a time frame..eg wait until marriage,wait until mr right or just to challenege yourself and focus fully on something better such as school or your career..now once you give yourself a time frame lets stay 2year and within that time you meet a guy whom you THINK he is the one..you still stick with your plan do not let him know of your celibacy right away feel free to get to know him/vice versa for at least 3 months if he doesnt ask about sex then continue with him until you reach your 2year goal and from then on if he is still around then feel free...hope i can be of help......:))
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): The problem of retroactive jealousy will never 100% go away but some men & women experience it much more than others.
If you want the simplest rule, the fewer past partners you've got the better.
If you want a more realistic (and more fair) rule of thumb, most guys typically just don't want to feel like they put way more into the relationship before sex than the previous guys did. A guy who sleeps with you after 3 days will more easily deal with the idea that you slept with exes after 3 days, than a guy who waited 3 months and then discovers you've slept with your exes after 3 days.
Guys more readily respect a girl who makes them wait. But if a guy discovers that she didn't make her past partners wait like he had to, then he just feels like a sucker. (The point of the wait was not so much for HIM to have to waited, it's more for him to know that has always been her pattern.)
And it goes without saying that past one night stands aren't going to be popular with guys who want to have a serious relationship with you.
None of this stuff is written in stone for all men by any means. And I don't mean to give you orders about what you can or cannot do. It's your life. I am just trying to give you an idea about trying to deal with the average modern guy and his feelings about a girl's past history.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (27 March 2010):
Miss you are a bit to honest and thoughtful for your own good. Such deep thinking and concerns about life and love. You need not tell any b/f's what you have or havenoy done it is npt there business until you wish to tell them?
You are not a whore! Your single and young do what you like but just be careful in sex and most important in emotions.
Just lighten up and do not be hard on yourself. You sound the sort of girl that guys will be knocking down the doors to get to you - see if I am not right!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): I think you can go out and have fun without having to have sex. It sounds to me that you want to eventually have a loving relationship. And the truth is that a man will respect you so much more if you are not so easily willing to have a sexual encounter with a man. Don’t not have sex because you’re afraid of being a whore. You should take into consideration the emotional attachment that occurs due to sex, STDs, pregnancy, etc. You will be in control of your relationships if you withhold the physical part of it.
Also, people are always judging other people. We are defined by our actions and choices.
So, my votes for yes! Be celibate but have fun, and enjoy being young. I'm 23 and have also recently decided to remain celibate until marriage after being sexually active. I realized that I want to be in a serious relationship, and having sex wasn’t doing anything to help that and really only making things more complicated.
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