A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have just turned 35 and I’m starting to worry that my time is running out to get married and have children. I’ve been in a relationship for 18 months now with the best guy and we are talking about moving in together within the next few months, but he doesn’t seem to be acting like there’s much of a rush for anything else. We’ve discussed marriage and children and they are things he wants too, but it seems to be more of an abstract thing. Like he’ll say things like ‘when the time comes for me to propose...’ etc. I really don’t want to put pressure on him as I want it to be something he wants rather than something he feels forced to do, but at the same time I’m worried that he might not propose for another year or more then there’s all the wedding planning etc. Basically I’m scared I’m running out of time. How do I handle these fears without sounding like I’m trying to force his hand?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2020): Your partner might have issues in his head, such as where he needs to be financially before he proposes. You could say what you've said to us, that you don't want to force his hand, but that you are concerned about how much time there'll be to start a family.
Ask him if there are financial worries, after all, he will be having to earn enough to support both you and the baby, and perhaps more babies! You may need to understand each other better so you can come to a solution that works for both of you. That is what marriage is about, so get some practice in! Good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2020): Making a baby is not that complicated provided that neither of you are using contraception.
However, looking after a new life is a lifelong commitment and often includes the absence of many other objectives as you go along.
However, that said, most parents can hardly remember or give great value to the time before the baby arrived.
This is because it is so life-changing that if you get your priorities in order it is do-able and enjoyable.
Your maternal clock is ticking and this is what alienates so many wealthy people from their poorer counterparts.
The difference is that wealthy people need more of everything prior to having a child.
They need a new house and a car and a driveway.
Poorer people tend to start from the point they are at and try to move forward.
It's all about choices.
I've known career ladies getting pregnant at 39 yrs and completing a family of 3 children before they are 42 yrs.
They just get caught up in the excitement of it and carry on with making the family and then return to their careers.
I've also known poorer ladies get unexpectedly pregnant and dispite a few anxieties about managing they have gone on to create loving family units.
It's best if you and your partner are on the same page about wanting children if you want him to stick by you.
But no matter how hard you try and how much planning you put into it, there really is no certainty that everything will be ok.
Wanting a child and having a child are two very different realities.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2020): I think you need to decide on your own priorities. Is it to have kids (even if that means doing it alone), is it to have a loving relationship, to get married, or something else. Rank them in order. Then see how your current relationship fits.
I also advise to talk to your boyfriend so hes under no illusions as to what you want and by when. You've been together long enough by now to have that awkward conversation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2020): Typo correction:
"They don't always agree, they don't expect to be happy 24/7, they know that passion wavers, and it even sometimes takes a dive."
P.S.
The problem isn't making the guy feel pressured by discussing marriage. You don't get married in competition with a time-line, your biological-clock, or the calendar. If he's over 30, he's cautious. If you're just in a hurry, you may not love him at all! There should be mutual-love, and trust should be well-established...not because you're on a mission, and rushing against a the clock! Love is the only real motivation behind marrying someone. Having a family and sharing life together from hereafter is the goal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2020): Here's an old-fashioned response; but the wisdom is ageless.
Men who get the sex they want, have a live-in girlfriend, and get all the things a wife offers without a proposal will delay or never propose.
Nobody likes straightforward simplistic-answers like that. Keep dilly-dallying around with this guy; and you'll see. Moving-in is only going to postpone any serious consideration of marriage for even longer. Why? The simplest answer is, why go through all that expense and wedding-hoopla when things are just fine as they are? He won't be serious until you're serious. He may have no intention to ever marry you; but he will enjoy all the benefits and advantages of having the best girlfriend ever! Who wouldn't?
You might be fortunate and blessed enough to find the finest person you've ever met. They become a very significant part of your life; so, you are in no hurry to let them go! Hence and therefore, marriage should be a serious and frequent topic. Provided, the love and trust is really there. It's unfair to just take advantage of all the goodies and fringe benefits; and then decide to move-on. That is, once you've become full, bored, or tired of that person.
It's my opinion, and many women might share it, that it seems a vast majority of commitment-phobic man-babies will do just that!
To compensate for that, women go buy homes together, entangle their credit and income with the guy, and push-out babies; trying to create a faux-marriage on the sly. Thinking he won't walk-out on a co-signed debt, and will feel obligated to fulfill his half of the repayment-agreement. Some of these arrangements may work for a bit; but what a legal-mess you'll have, if he decides to uproot and leave! Leaving behind a single-mother with bad-credit, being a remote off-site father for their kid(s), and she's up to her eyebrows in regret! That's the modern-way! You get a divorce nowadays because "you're not happy" or you're just bored with your spouse. You found a sex-buddy who's more fun! That's how you do it in the tech-age! You love your phone and devices (or pets) more than other people!
He will skirt around the issue; because it's hard coming to the realization you will be committed to only one person for life, you will have sex with the same person from now on; and if things don't workout, you can't just leave. You have to go through legal-divorce procedure, if it fails! She will get half of what he has!!! True-love and trust won't let the risks scare you. You have to have maturity, life-experience, be decisive, have stable income(s), and a plan! More importantly...Have a clue what you're getting into!!! Youngsters don't have a clue, and they rush into it just to fail at it. Wanting a pretty dress, a big wedding, and to feel special for a day. Uh...what about what comes later? No life-experience means you're flying by the seat of your pants! You'll end-up a young-mom in her teens or 20's, with a bunch a kids; and he'll go find another wife, and start another family. Once he's all grown-up!
Not speaking through bitterness or cynicism. It's with commonsense, and with a wealth of experience.
Many men just want a perpetual-girlfriend. They aren't rushed about having kids; when they can make babies well into old-age. They are not in a hurry to give-up their freedom; when they are still wrestling with taking-on the major responsibilities that having a family entails. They are struck paralyzed by the what-ifs!
They fear the feeling of being tied-down or trapped. She may be a total wacko, a creature chocked full of ridiculous insecurities; and then there's this common-problem with getting tired of being with the same woman.
Oh, women have their fears to reckon with. You've got your concerns and reservations too! What if he's shooting blanks? What if he already has a wife in some other country? Buried his last ex-girlfriend in a shallow grave in the woods? What if this guy does an about-face, and turns into a total monster? What if he can't provide for his family, and all that responsibility falls on me? What if he turns-out to be a cheater, or has some horrible hidden-secret he never divulged to me? What if he's in the closet?
The subject of where your relationship is going must come-up from time to time; because you don't have all the time in the world. You want children, and I don't recommend pushing-out babies for a baby-man; who doesn't love you enough to make you his wife, and happily/willingly assume the roles of husband and father.
Some things don't change with technology. People just loosen or disregard the proven-rules; to make life easier, or more disposable. They write-off old-school facts as archaic and old-fashioned; because we live in a me-myself-and-I society. "I get what I want, when I want it. I'm entitled! I deserve this and that! What do I get out of the deal? Why do I have to care about their feelings and rights?"
If he doesn't love and trust you enough to want you for the rest of his life; don't trust him to be the daddy of your babies. If he feels pressured to take your relationship seriously; then you and he are probably not on the same page. Talking about it and doing it are two different things! How far apart does talking and doing have to be???
If people disagree, I wish they'd show me all the evidence to prove me wrong. Of course people divorce; that's because they don't really understand the depth of the vows they've made. They are more in a hurry to get married, than knowing the person they're marrying. They let the wrong things motivate them, without considerations of compatibility, how much they love each other, and if they are in it for the long-haul. Will they compromise through disagreements, make being right more important than the truth, or value trust as the foundation of their marriage?
If that's old-fashioned or outdated; then explain why there are elderly-couples still as much in-love as the day they took their vows? The don't always agree, they don't expect to be happy 24/7, they know that passion wavers, and it even sometimes takes a dive. Yet they also know it all comes back when you work together to fix it. You have arguments, but you are supposed to settle your disputes. If you can't talk to each other, you have no business getting married. Go ahead and test that theory! Better yet, read DC regularly!
You can ignore this antiquated-opinion; but God-willing, there's going to be at least one person out there that sees the wisdom in it, and will benefit from it. I'm not so arrogant or conceited as to think I'm always right. I won't respond to posts I have no clue about. I've either lived it, researched it, was taught it; or I've sought the wisdom of the elders, and actually listened to them!
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A
female
reader, RenRansom68 +, writes (7 August 2020):
 I can understand where you are coming from. I feel like my partner should propose to me soon and that we should settle down and have a family. However, I realised that all that time worrying and stressing takes away from the current happiness at the minute with him. Society paints an image whereby if you are not settled by a certain age then there must be something wrong. This is entirely unhealthy and wrong. You and your partner can enjoy your lives together, go travelling and spend time together while you can. If it is bothering you though chat to him, but it seems to me he is committed to you and intends to settle with you. Enjoy your time together, the rest will fall into place :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2020): You are in a pickle.
If you do not discuss it now maybe he will drag his feet, but if you do maybe you'll scare him.
That's binary thinking.
Either...or.
There's plethora of things you could do in between.
18 months is not a long time, not even when you're 35.
In order to deal with fears, you need to know exactly WHAT they are.
If you are afraid that soon you will be too old to have kids, go to a doctor and see where you stand. Maybe you'll learn that time is indeed running out (some women enter menopause early) and if your bf is serious about having kids that is something that he too would want to know. If the doc says that you're fine and still have time, well that's one fear less.
In my book, having kids is the only thing that cannot be done "whenever". Both partners need to be able to do it. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially...
Everything else is negotiable. You can get married now or later or not at all.
You can decide to have joint accounts or not...
But moving in IS the first step.
Maybe you'll see a side of him you cannot deal with. People discover weird and serious things about their partners once they start living together.
I've heard of women who discovered that their bfs were alcoholic after years of dating. Men who found out that their gfs had serious issues with depression and/or anxiety and that they were on meds for it.
So you have time to make a decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2020): Has your guy shown really positive thoughts towards having kids or is he just paying it lip service if you mention it? How do you know he will not just move in with you and then live with you rather than take it further and have a family or get married? Lots of men want to live with but leave the marriage bit out, and he would have no need to marry you if he can live with you anyway.
Eighteen months is nothing, it is far too quick to expect so much. Yes you do have to think about time and how much time you have left but none of that is his problem, it does not mean that he owes you a serious commitment. A lot of guys nowadays just want a casual thing and some would want it forever. Telling him you want children now, or marriage sooner may well scare him off as being all too serious too quick.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (6 August 2020):
 You've only been together 18 months. I would advise chilling and not pushing it yet. Enjoy getting to know each other better for at least another 6-12 months. By all means plan ahead, but don't make your focus on having a family the soul goal, to the point where you think of nothing else.
Enjoy your courtship. You need to build strong foundations to give your child/children security. Don't take short cuts. Also you will need to have built up a good relationship before the child/children arrive as babies put pressure on the strongest of relationships. Make sure you two are very strong together before venturing down that road. You will need each other's support when the new family members start arriving.
Good luck. I hope it all works out for you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (6 August 2020):
 There's only one way to deal with this, you'll have to talk to your boyfriend.
Be honest, tell him your concerns about this and come to a decision together.
Marriage proposals do not have to be solely the man's domain and unless it's important to you for religious reasons, you don't have to be married before you have a baby.
I do understand your concerns and they're not without foundation but there's only one person who can help you with the answers and he's the one you need to talk too.
Try and keep the conversation low key, try to get answers without pinning him down or making him feel cornered because let's be honest this is pretty big stuff and a lot for a person to take in and digest in one go. You may however have to make your peace with the "forcing his hand" thing because you can't have it both ways.
I wish you well and hope this helps ABx
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (6 August 2020):
 Things seem to be going well, you have met a nice, good guy and you are planning on moving in together within the next few months. This in itself is a positive step in the right direction.
You really have got to abolish this thought of you are running out of time, you are only 35 and you have plenty of time.
Enjoy the time you spend together, live for the moment and take each day as it comes.
You have got the excitement of setting up home together soon. Maybe he is waiting for you to both be settled in a home together before he pops the question. By tradition its the man that normally proposes to the woman. But I think in this day and age it does not look too out of place for a woman to ask the man.
I would not be in to much of a rush though, you have to find a perfect time, when the mood and the feeling is right. It won't feel right popping the question with worry on your mind that your running out of time. These thought's will be all over everything and kill the mood.
Just hold out a while, maybe get set up in your new home together, find the perfect moment when the feeling is right, and away you go. That's if he does not beat you to it tho.
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